Monday, March 8, 2010
6 weeks, 5 days...Gettin' close to 2 months!
Never, never, never in a million years did I think I would be able to make it this far. I even made it through a nasty episode with bipolar and didn't smoke. That's an accomplishment for sure. My personal best stretch of time that I've ever been able to quit smoking is somewhere between 3 and 4 months. This was back in 1998. I rememeber it because of the place I worked at the time. It was my first job out of beauty school, and this is also the time when I met my husband. So ya, not an easily forgetable time. Anyway, I have no idea what made me go back to it......oh ya, everyone I knew outside of work and parents smoked!! I was doomed before I even started. At 22, I was nowhere near mentally oe emotionally strong enough to truly believe that I had to do this for myself, and that my self was worth it. I couldn't imagine the long term risks in any kind of reality. My Mom always said that I had to learn things the hard way. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't really know that I had to quit until my health started to suffer in obvious and serious ways (to me). Inhaler "hits" numerous times a day, and complications of high blood pressure are what did it for me. If you're blood pressure's too high, you could have a stroke. And if you let high blood pressure go for long enough, you can replace "could" in the previous sentence with "will". If you can't breathe, well, you know what happens. So, those were big enough reasons for me to actually do it this time.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
It's been long enough that I'm losing track of time....quit Jan. 20....
Wow, I've been up to my eyeballs in homework today. And as with any homework, but espeically for school that 100% online, it's A LOT of typing! So, about 2 minutes ago, after typing away for several hours of the day, I shouted downstairs to my husband, ".....I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!!"
OK, you will only find that mildly funny if #1, you know the Pink Floyd song that it references, or #2 you're a Family Guy fan; Stewie also shouts this out after playing a banjo song. And Stewie is only funny if you know the Pink Floyd song......but I digress.
So, what's new? Nothing too exciting to talk about lately. Just doing lots of homework, trying to catch up from my meltdown period when I was almost incapable of bathing because I was so out of it. Now that I've "recovered" from that episode, it almost feels as if it's another person I'm talking about. Chemical imbalances are just bizarre; they can make you think certain ways, do certain things, react to others differently then you would when you are "yourself". Whoever that is, right?
Oh, I do have some good news. I have recently been connected with a mental health facility in my area that works with broke people like myself. I must have made 20 calls to different places. They were all booked, not taking any new patients, didn't work with people from my city, it went on and on. Very discouraging. Even more discouraging when you're in the middle of a meltdown and the sky is falling regardless of these phone calls. But, I've got to hand it to my wonderful mother-in-law, she found me each and every one of those numbers, including the one that finally worked! She really is my second mom, she's great at helping you find your way through just about anything. I'm one of the lucky ones who really like my in-laws. Anyway,I was so relieved and excited when I heard the news that I could "get in" to start some kind of treatment, it was great. I cannot actually see anyone until early April. The appointment I had last week was only pperwork. But the guy at the counter told me not to feel too bad, because all the people I saw in the waiting area weren't getting in until May. Yep, that worked, I didn't feel quite so bad.
On top of this, as a last resort, I contacted the previous doctor I had in Wisconsin to beg and plead with her to give me just one more prescription for the medication I take. When you have a mood or emotional disorder, things can go drastically wrong when you don't have the medicine you need to even out all those chemicals in the noggin, hence the "episode" I recently had. I received the email a few days ago that my merciful former doctor had called in 3 more months worth of medication for me! I just about jumped out of my seat, as I sat in the car, reading the email from my phone. ("....You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes...you might find....you get what you need!") Relief is in sight!
If you or anyone you know may be struggling with bi-polar disorder, I encourage you to check out this link so you can at least know what to look for and what to do about it.
The basics of bi-polar disorder and more...
They say bad things come in three's right? I believe that's true for good things,too. I've had 2, wonder what the third will be......hmmmm.
So, now, I just have to bide my time until that first appointment with a therapist. I do miss therapy, it really does help. I mean, the person who you talk to is trained and PAID to listen to your problems and offer suggestions. Does it get any better? I never understood these people who thought there was something wrong with therapy, I think it's great. But, on the down side, it means that since it's someone I have not seen before, I have to go through the emotional mud as I describe my problems, short-comings, and feelings. Yuck, I hate going to "that place" you know, it a downer, for lack of a better word. But right now, I am optomistic that it'll be a good thing. Can't really get a whole lot worse, right?....Don't answer that, lol.
OK, you will only find that mildly funny if #1, you know the Pink Floyd song that it references, or #2 you're a Family Guy fan; Stewie also shouts this out after playing a banjo song. And Stewie is only funny if you know the Pink Floyd song......but I digress.
So, what's new? Nothing too exciting to talk about lately. Just doing lots of homework, trying to catch up from my meltdown period when I was almost incapable of bathing because I was so out of it. Now that I've "recovered" from that episode, it almost feels as if it's another person I'm talking about. Chemical imbalances are just bizarre; they can make you think certain ways, do certain things, react to others differently then you would when you are "yourself". Whoever that is, right?
Oh, I do have some good news. I have recently been connected with a mental health facility in my area that works with broke people like myself. I must have made 20 calls to different places. They were all booked, not taking any new patients, didn't work with people from my city, it went on and on. Very discouraging. Even more discouraging when you're in the middle of a meltdown and the sky is falling regardless of these phone calls. But, I've got to hand it to my wonderful mother-in-law, she found me each and every one of those numbers, including the one that finally worked! She really is my second mom, she's great at helping you find your way through just about anything. I'm one of the lucky ones who really like my in-laws. Anyway,I was so relieved and excited when I heard the news that I could "get in" to start some kind of treatment, it was great. I cannot actually see anyone until early April. The appointment I had last week was only pperwork. But the guy at the counter told me not to feel too bad, because all the people I saw in the waiting area weren't getting in until May. Yep, that worked, I didn't feel quite so bad.
On top of this, as a last resort, I contacted the previous doctor I had in Wisconsin to beg and plead with her to give me just one more prescription for the medication I take. When you have a mood or emotional disorder, things can go drastically wrong when you don't have the medicine you need to even out all those chemicals in the noggin, hence the "episode" I recently had. I received the email a few days ago that my merciful former doctor had called in 3 more months worth of medication for me! I just about jumped out of my seat, as I sat in the car, reading the email from my phone. ("....You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes...you might find....you get what you need!") Relief is in sight!
If you or anyone you know may be struggling with bi-polar disorder, I encourage you to check out this link so you can at least know what to look for and what to do about it.
The basics of bi-polar disorder and more...
They say bad things come in three's right? I believe that's true for good things,too. I've had 2, wonder what the third will be......hmmmm.
So, now, I just have to bide my time until that first appointment with a therapist. I do miss therapy, it really does help. I mean, the person who you talk to is trained and PAID to listen to your problems and offer suggestions. Does it get any better? I never understood these people who thought there was something wrong with therapy, I think it's great. But, on the down side, it means that since it's someone I have not seen before, I have to go through the emotional mud as I describe my problems, short-comings, and feelings. Yuck, I hate going to "that place" you know, it a downer, for lack of a better word. But right now, I am optomistic that it'll be a good thing. Can't really get a whole lot worse, right?....Don't answer that, lol.
Monday, March 1, 2010
5 weeks, 5 days...Stepping down
Hello, everybody. In a few days, I'll will be "stepping down" to step 2 on the nicotine patch program. Kind of exciting, kind of scary. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to leave my security blanket of full-strength nicotine? I've had 2 relapses during this whole time. The last one, I did not enjoy at all. I was more in a "f-it" kind of mood that day. And it was really not a nice thing at all. I felt the harshness of all the chemicals in full force. I had a headache shortly afterwards. So, while I am still mentally hooked on the physical habit of smoking, I am no longer enticed by the chemical "pay-off" a cigarette would produce. There's just no good reason to do it at all for me. And I just keep thinking, ASTHMA,ASTHMA, ASTHMA, choke, cough, cough,choke. I don't want to go there again. I'm grown, I don't have to, any you can't make me!I'm shouting at the pack of cigarettes in my head, not you, lol.
Anyway, it looks like I am having Good n'Plenty candy for dinner tonight. My husband stopped off at my brother-in-law's house after work, so I got out of dinner duty, yay! I don't know what it is, but since we've moved into this house, I feel the obligation to make dinner, like it's my duty or something. Now, I know it's 2010, and that obligation no longer holds water, but none-the-less, I feel it. Also, I am no good at cooking, even though I try. I can make chicken at least 10 different ways, haha. But cookies? Forget it, they always come out as horrible little fried patties of I don't know what. I still force down a few though, because I know there's chocolate chips in there somewhere, lol. As much as I wish I was naturally talented in the kitchen,and as a homemaker in general, I feel that I do not posses that "homemaker gene". Do you know what I mean? I can clean like nobody's business, but I am far from a whiz in the kitchen.
My mother claims, of course, that she's offered many times to show me how to cook, but I never took her up on it. I think it was probably because she was so busy ordering my sister and I around to make the house look so clean that it appeared as though no one lived there. Now, that quality (cleaning demon) I know I have! Oh, the twisted effects our mothers have on us!
Anyway, it looks like I am having Good n'Plenty candy for dinner tonight. My husband stopped off at my brother-in-law's house after work, so I got out of dinner duty, yay! I don't know what it is, but since we've moved into this house, I feel the obligation to make dinner, like it's my duty or something. Now, I know it's 2010, and that obligation no longer holds water, but none-the-less, I feel it. Also, I am no good at cooking, even though I try. I can make chicken at least 10 different ways, haha. But cookies? Forget it, they always come out as horrible little fried patties of I don't know what. I still force down a few though, because I know there's chocolate chips in there somewhere, lol. As much as I wish I was naturally talented in the kitchen,and as a homemaker in general, I feel that I do not posses that "homemaker gene". Do you know what I mean? I can clean like nobody's business, but I am far from a whiz in the kitchen.
My mother claims, of course, that she's offered many times to show me how to cook, but I never took her up on it. I think it was probably because she was so busy ordering my sister and I around to make the house look so clean that it appeared as though no one lived there. Now, that quality (cleaning demon) I know I have! Oh, the twisted effects our mothers have on us!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
5 weeks and 1 day....The Garage Floor
The garage floor never looked so good. Of course it was dirty from all the winter slush, and water dripping off the cars. But more than this, it is where my husband, who failed to quit smoking, leaves his cigarette butts. He thinks it's somehow "better" that when he's home, he only smokes about 1/2 the cigarette. Long story short......RELAPSE!! Yes, I call it a relapse as a drug addict would call doing the drug they are trying to abstain from. That's exactly what I feel it is.
I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential. Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well. And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do. I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on. It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving. However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette. These other things are what I was craving. Weird, isn't it? What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?! So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre. The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know). So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section. I know I deserve it.
Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking. Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever. I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years. And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear. When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might. It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time. But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with. Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking. So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
So, how do I "just be"? That is the question that I search for the answer to.
I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system. I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".
I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential. Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well. And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do. I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on. It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving. However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette. These other things are what I was craving. Weird, isn't it? What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?! So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre. The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know). So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section. I know I deserve it.
Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking. Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever. I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years. And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear. When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might. It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time. But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with. Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking. So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
So, how do I "just be"? That is the question that I search for the answer to.
I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system. I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".
Friday, February 19, 2010
4 weeks and 2 days...Wow
So, I've been smoke free for 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm 35 officially now. I always said (to myself) that I wanted to quit by this age. I was out today at the outlet mall. My father-in-law was generous enough to take me out to a certain pricey purse store there and I had my pick of the store. What?! Yes, "Go pick one" he says, "and no looking at price tags! Just pick what you want." I pretty much crapped my pants, but I managed to pick out a gorgeous leather powder blue purse with a matching wallet. Wow, talk about being queen for a day! My family never had much money. And what money we did have, was usually spent towards my mother's interests. At least that's the impression I got. So, ya, this was pretty incredible for me.
Anyway, my point when I started writing is this: after a month of not smoking, I'm noticing my sense of smell is getting better all the time. We were in one store, and I could smell the chocolate shoppe that was next door. I felt like a baby who figured out that they could clap their hands, just fascinated.
I'm starting to allow myself to be around smokers now. Family members have been good about not smoking in the car if I'm riding with them, and I appreciate that. However, I'm still with them when they light up after getting out of the car, so I don't really see how that's helping. I know I could walk away, but I don't really mind the smell. I mean, it's not pleasant, and I think to myself, "I used to inhale stuff that smelled like that?". But, it doesn't make me gag or anything. I was telling my husband, that it's not the smell so much that gets me, but the physical and visual presence of a cigarette that makes me uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to work a bit more at getting comfortable with thesight of cigarettes. It'll come with time though.
I am experiencing the most dreaded drawback of all to quitting smoking...weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can feel it. You just know when you've put on a few. I had a difficult time with another person letting me down, which I posted about in an earlier one. I was supposed to get a treadmill handed down to me and I planned to use it for exercise. That unfortunately fell through. This person has flaked out time and time again when my husband has tried to take him up on the offer. I had my hopes up so high for this, that is was almost all I could think about. Maybe this is the day, maybe this weekend, maybe for my birthday, maybe......never. What a jerk! If this guy only knew (or cared) how much I was let down. I mean especially with this Colorado winter, if it's not freezing, the sidewalks are icy. It just sucks. Meanwhile my husband and I are going to save money, little by little until I can get one. And that one will be brand new, so HA!
Anyway, as you may know from earlier posts, I have bipolar disorder. No, I don't get a little hyper, and a touch of the blues. I get obsessive organizing, shopping sprees (when I have the slightest bit of money), a kind of "Super-woman" way about me. The opposite end is what I have been going though for the past week or so. Uncontrollable crying fits, everything and anything accelerates my misery. This is also why I haven't been blogging for the last couple of weeks. I did not want to embarass myself with rantings of how the world hates me, yadda yadda yadda. Until I had more experience handling this disorder, that's exactly what I used to do. I almost lost a good man to it, too. The man who loved me from top to bottom, inside and out, had enough. He couldn't deal with my self-hatred anymore and he couldn't fix it, so he left. Thankfully, only temporarily.
This time around, however, we were both much better prepared. He handled me like a pro. He kept his distance a bit because #1 he couldn't change what was happening, and #2 he didn't want to be in path of my breakdown. I can't blame him, I would do the same thing. He didn't totally abandon me, but he didn't hang around leisurely either. You know, it's gotta be so hard for someone that has no first-hand experience with a mental disorder. I can't say that I would be able to be as patient as he was/is. His patience with me is one of the major reasons I love him so much. No one is more there for me in terms of that than him.
Worse than merely being around someone with a disorder like bi-polar, is actually having to physically live through it yourself. Can you imagine trying to interact with someone, when you're trying to hold back tears that have no cause? It's torture. It's embarassing. Can you imagine crying, and crying, and crying, not being able to stop, as every misfortunate thing happening in your life speeds through your mind? Can you imagine? Most people can't. Family members are no exception. In my experience, it's one of those "You had to be there" type of things. You will never know unless it happens to you. The words that come out of your mouth are not yours, they're your mind's words, taken over by the disorder. I'm tellin' ya, those people that say "It's all in your head", THEY'RE the crazy ones. There is no controlling a chemical imbalance by sheer will. It's simply impossible.
I've been suffering with this disorder for over 20 years. Thankfully, I have educated myself through therapy, counseling, books, and my own research to recognize if a bad period is approaching. However, I'm still learning how to handle myself in the middle of one. Medication is what's supposed to prevent that. And I'll be the first to admitt that I have never been religious about taking it. More often than not, I do. But I have always held great resentment towards the fact that I have to take medicine just to be OK, like everyone else. What makes everyone else have the natural disposition to be happy or "normal", and I'm here feeling and acting like the psychotic version of chicken little? ("The sky is falling, the sky is falling!") But, a few years ago, I just decided to make peace with it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I simply have a chemical imbalance that alters my mentality and makes life unmanageable unless I take medicine to maintain myself. And that medicine not only benefits me, but those who choose to be around me....God bless 'em all!!
So, I'm fairly confident that I have returned from the "dark side", and hope I stay for a good long time.
Anyway, my point when I started writing is this: after a month of not smoking, I'm noticing my sense of smell is getting better all the time. We were in one store, and I could smell the chocolate shoppe that was next door. I felt like a baby who figured out that they could clap their hands, just fascinated.
I'm starting to allow myself to be around smokers now. Family members have been good about not smoking in the car if I'm riding with them, and I appreciate that. However, I'm still with them when they light up after getting out of the car, so I don't really see how that's helping. I know I could walk away, but I don't really mind the smell. I mean, it's not pleasant, and I think to myself, "I used to inhale stuff that smelled like that?". But, it doesn't make me gag or anything. I was telling my husband, that it's not the smell so much that gets me, but the physical and visual presence of a cigarette that makes me uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to work a bit more at getting comfortable with thesight of cigarettes. It'll come with time though.
I am experiencing the most dreaded drawback of all to quitting smoking...weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can feel it. You just know when you've put on a few. I had a difficult time with another person letting me down, which I posted about in an earlier one. I was supposed to get a treadmill handed down to me and I planned to use it for exercise. That unfortunately fell through. This person has flaked out time and time again when my husband has tried to take him up on the offer. I had my hopes up so high for this, that is was almost all I could think about. Maybe this is the day, maybe this weekend, maybe for my birthday, maybe......never. What a jerk! If this guy only knew (or cared) how much I was let down. I mean especially with this Colorado winter, if it's not freezing, the sidewalks are icy. It just sucks. Meanwhile my husband and I are going to save money, little by little until I can get one. And that one will be brand new, so HA!
Anyway, as you may know from earlier posts, I have bipolar disorder. No, I don't get a little hyper, and a touch of the blues. I get obsessive organizing, shopping sprees (when I have the slightest bit of money), a kind of "Super-woman" way about me. The opposite end is what I have been going though for the past week or so. Uncontrollable crying fits, everything and anything accelerates my misery. This is also why I haven't been blogging for the last couple of weeks. I did not want to embarass myself with rantings of how the world hates me, yadda yadda yadda. Until I had more experience handling this disorder, that's exactly what I used to do. I almost lost a good man to it, too. The man who loved me from top to bottom, inside and out, had enough. He couldn't deal with my self-hatred anymore and he couldn't fix it, so he left. Thankfully, only temporarily.
This time around, however, we were both much better prepared. He handled me like a pro. He kept his distance a bit because #1 he couldn't change what was happening, and #2 he didn't want to be in path of my breakdown. I can't blame him, I would do the same thing. He didn't totally abandon me, but he didn't hang around leisurely either. You know, it's gotta be so hard for someone that has no first-hand experience with a mental disorder. I can't say that I would be able to be as patient as he was/is. His patience with me is one of the major reasons I love him so much. No one is more there for me in terms of that than him.
Worse than merely being around someone with a disorder like bi-polar, is actually having to physically live through it yourself. Can you imagine trying to interact with someone, when you're trying to hold back tears that have no cause? It's torture. It's embarassing. Can you imagine crying, and crying, and crying, not being able to stop, as every misfortunate thing happening in your life speeds through your mind? Can you imagine? Most people can't. Family members are no exception. In my experience, it's one of those "You had to be there" type of things. You will never know unless it happens to you. The words that come out of your mouth are not yours, they're your mind's words, taken over by the disorder. I'm tellin' ya, those people that say "It's all in your head", THEY'RE the crazy ones. There is no controlling a chemical imbalance by sheer will. It's simply impossible.
I've been suffering with this disorder for over 20 years. Thankfully, I have educated myself through therapy, counseling, books, and my own research to recognize if a bad period is approaching. However, I'm still learning how to handle myself in the middle of one. Medication is what's supposed to prevent that. And I'll be the first to admitt that I have never been religious about taking it. More often than not, I do. But I have always held great resentment towards the fact that I have to take medicine just to be OK, like everyone else. What makes everyone else have the natural disposition to be happy or "normal", and I'm here feeling and acting like the psychotic version of chicken little? ("The sky is falling, the sky is falling!") But, a few years ago, I just decided to make peace with it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I simply have a chemical imbalance that alters my mentality and makes life unmanageable unless I take medicine to maintain myself. And that medicine not only benefits me, but those who choose to be around me....God bless 'em all!!
So, I'm fairly confident that I have returned from the "dark side", and hope I stay for a good long time.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 19...#2 Smoking...in my dreams.
I've often heard people say that after a time of not smoking, that they'll have a dream that they did. Well, my turn for this was a few days ago. On a side note, I've noticed that the dreams I have had since quitting are much more vivd and seem like they really happened. I don't remember the entirety of the dream, but I remember that in the dream I smoked. When I woke up, I was never more thankful that is was a dream! But before being fully concious enough to realize that I was, in fact, dreaming, I felt so horribly guilty for smoking. I was worried about all the people I let down. But more then that, I was afraid. Afraid that I would never escape an addicition that I had so greatly underestimated. I'm not kidding, this nicotine is a beast, pure and simple.
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
Day 19...Crappy week, but I'm still smoke-free!
I knew I would feel bad after I did it, but I couldn't help myself. I put my husband "on blast", as the youngins say, all over my wall on facebook. My husband and I had a big argument a few days ago about money. Long story short, he made me feel like crap because I am still not contributing anything, financially, to the household. So he made the declaration that because he earns what's coming in, he has authority over everything done with it. BS, right? That's how I felt. How dare he make such a statement after all that I do for him! I pick up the man's socks and underwear, do the laundry, clean the house, take care of the animals we have, I even pack him a dang lunch for work most days! All of the things I do, I do because I love him, I support him, and I respect and appreciate that he is the one working right now. And as long as I cannot find a job, I figure this is my way of showing him that I appreciate him. With that said, I have needs also. I'm not talking romantically here. I'm talking shampoo and conditioner for Pete's sake! Is that too much to ask for?! I didn't think so. So I was frustrated, upset, and hurt, and I chose to tell the facebook world exactly what I thought of him. By the way, I beleive I have hit rock-bottom...I had to get SUAVE!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
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