5 weeks and 1 day....The Garage Floor

The garage floor never looked so good. Of course it was dirty from all the winter slush, and water dripping off the cars.  But more than this, it is where my husband, who failed to quit smoking, leaves his cigarette butts.  He thinks it's somehow "better" that when he's home, he only smokes about 1/2 the cigarette.  Long story short......RELAPSE!!  Yes, I call it a relapse as a drug addict would call doing the drug they are trying to abstain from.  That's exactly what I feel it is.
    I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential.  Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well.  And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do.  I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on.  It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving.  However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette.  These other things are what I was craving.  Weird, isn't it?  What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?!  So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
    This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre.  The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know).  So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section.  I know I deserve it.
    Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking.  Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever.  I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years.  And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear.  When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might.  It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time.  But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with.  Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking.  So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
   So, how do I "just be"?  That is the question that I search for the answer to. 

    I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system.  I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".