Day 4
Still doing pretty good, suprisingly. I am suprised probably because in past attempts, I have failed miserably, like a crack addict at the sight of a big rock in front of me. I think it has been "easier" so far because I have been unintentionally isolating myself from other people. I have not even seen a cigarette until last night, when my husband had the balls to ask me if I wanted to come and talk to him in the garage while he smoked. I said, "Are you f**kin' crazy?! Get the hell away from me with that thing, I don't even want to see it!!" I knew if I had followed him into the garage, I'd probably being having a cigarette right now also. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself for not caving in, when it would have been so easy.
Right now, my dog is sitting on the couch in the room with me, and I have the door wide open. I have to say that this is a good feeling also. My dog would never hang out in the office before because of all the smoke. And I would always insist that the door be shut for the same reason. I know deep down that the smell does trickle through the rest of the house, but that was my of saying it's OK, I have the door shut. So, the door's wide open, kind of like a metaphor for what lies ahead. A wide open door to the unknown. Exciting and terrifying.
People often talk about their cigarettes as being their friend. As ridiculous as this sounds, I have found it to most certainly be true. When you stressed, have a smoke, it'll calm you down. When your happy, have a cigarette with that drink, it'll help you celebrate. When you're bored, have a smoke. It's something to do. And so on, and so on. When I really think about it, cigarettes are more like the back-stabbing bitch you thought was your friend in high school. She'll be all nicey-nice to your face, lending you her shoulder to cry on and confide in. Then, before you know it, she's telling your business to the world and saying what a loser you really are, giggling the whole time, because she knows you'll be back for more.
She (tobacco) shows you "kindness" and "comfort", by making you feel safe, almost freezing time, while you have your time with her. Nothing can get to you, no further drama can effect you at this moment because you are busy smoking. That's definetley one thing I noticed about smoking, it fools you in a way that I never thought of before. In my experience, smoking has been kind of a "time-freezer", or a brain-pauser. Too much is going on? Step outside an have a smoke. Family is stressing you out? Go have a cigarette. Guess what, all that stuff is still there when you go back inside, duh! Again, I find myself associating the circumstances of wanting to smoke with wanting to do drugs.
As you may or may not know, one of my favorite shows is Dog the Bounty Hunter. He is part American Indian, so I just love the way he talks about spirituality and philosiphizes about life in general. Anyway, he said something that stuck with me when he was taking a fugitive in for booking. They were talking about drug use, and he said, "Why do we do drugs? It's not because we're stressed, it's because we like to get high. The only problem with that is when you get stressed and decide to get high, you are actually ADDING another problem, not taking it away. Because you get high, you come down, and then guess what? The stress is still there, AND now you need another hit." The quote is not exact, but that's the gist of it. That really illustrates the relationship that I had with cigarettes. It didn't relieve any stress. By smoking to relieve stress, it only left me dependant on seeking another cigarette. You see what I'm saying here?
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
So, I just watched the movie "Thank You For Smoking". Interesting. I have to say that I agree with the main character's point at the end of the movie. He's sitting before some kind of senate committee and being grilled about the moral responsibility of "big tobacco", while they're discussing putting a poison label on cigarette packs. He basically says that tobacco has the right to have their business exist, with this being America (free enterprise and such). But it's the responsibility of parents and teachers to educate young people about the dangers of smoking.
I wonder if I would have ever picked up my first cigarette if the women of major importance in my life had never smoked. While they did tell me it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it (kind of like "do what I say, not what I do"), but they were adults and had the freedom to do whatever they wanted. This of course, at my young age, equalled coolness, and something that I aspired to be (cool and an adult). So, if that's what they chose to do, with all the freedoms presented with adulthood, what cooler thing in the world was there?
Just had a thought, how sad is it that all the females in my life that I have looked up to have been smokers? That really says a lot, doesn't it? There's my Mom, who quit when I was about 11 or 12. I remember begging her to roll down the window more as she puffed away in the car. Then years later, I remember stealing a drag or two off her cigarette that she let lay in the ashtray burning as she attended to something in the other room (sorry Mom). And then there's Gramma, who eventually died from smoking.
Other women (girls at the time) that I looked up to were Cherie Catencamp. I don't know why I remember her name so well. But she was the first person to ever smoke with me. We used to ride around on our bikes, picking up any salvagable cigarette butts from the streets of the neighborhood (GROSS! Can't believe I did that) and then high-tail it to the school yard to puff away in all our secret glamour. Her older sisters smoked also, and they were just the coolest thing since sliced bread, because one of them went to a Prince concert and got hit on by a bandmember. Haha, the things we used to think were cool, right? Anyway, it wasn't all bad, knowing her. She introduced me to microwaved marshmellows (an evilly delicious treat), and I saw Saturday Night Live for the first time at her house at a sleepover. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to see it so bad, because, you know, the COOL kids watched it all the time.
This all happened in 5th grade, believe it or not. I didn't inhale until middle school, but I'll get to that girl in a bit. 5th grade...the first time I heard "smoker" as an accusation. I felt like an outcast because everyone knew what I was doing. At the same time, of course, this is when my rebellious nature began to develop against anything automatically considered "normal" or "right". At least I was known for something. It's a whole lot better then feeling invisable.
As I attended middle school, I naturally gravitated to the "bad" crowd. They were rebels, who did what they wanted, when they wanted. Which, if you know my mother, is a very attractive in contrast to my home life (sorry Mom). Besides that though, if you don't know already, these "bad" people, and I'm talking about "bad" people in general of all ages, the tattooed, motorcycle riding, booze-chugging bad-asses of the world are the most unassuming, open-minded people I have ever met. At least that has been my experience so far. Their loud way of dressing, their wild hair, and rebelious ways are really just trying to overtly distract you from their insecurities, for the most part. So, it makes sense that this type of person would be more accepting, and easier to be friends with. If you're open to them, they return the favor, is what I'm saying. Anyway, there was this girl, Roxy. I think her real name was Rhonda. But, of course, Roxy is much more bad-ass. Picture Samantha Fox as a middle-schooler. For the youngins, picture if Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears had a baby. She was just the epitomy of cool to me. I never really knew much about her, but everything about her screamed I'm cool, I do what I want, and I love aqua net! And of course, she was never without a cigarette before school, down the block a bit so the teachers would see "the smokers". And I was happy to join her, and thrilled she let me.
The most influencial person in my "smoking career" was a Miss Angie Schultz. This was 8th grade, now. This is the one who taught me how to inhale. Another girl that was, in my opinion, the coolest girl in the school. She always wore the Guess jeans, always had the cute purses, hair-do, one of the most popular girls in school as well. And, of course, I was thrilled that she took a liking to me, and decided to take me "under her wing". We were working on a project for choir, and decided to go over a silly dance routine at her house. On the way there, we stopped at this Country Buffet-type diner that had a cigarette machine. We got a pack without getting caught, and walked over to the baseball field across the street. We sat in the bleachers, and she instructed me on how to inhale without choking. I was like "Holy crap, I'm a REAL smoker now!" I was frickin' giddy with excitement that I could smoke like the rest of the people that I looked up to. And, that's were it all started, in my opinion. Unfortunately, I cannot say I recall any redeeming qualities about this girl. Despite her appearences, her house was much dumpier then the one I was living in. And, bless her heart, she allowed me to huff gasoline with her one time. Super! What a friend, right?
So that's 5th grade through middle school. I'll save high school for another day. But exploring this leads me to wonder, was there ever an option, considering who these influential women in my life where, that I even had the chance to be a non smoker? It almost seems inevitable, especially with my desperation to fit in with who I thought was cool at the time. Almost everyone I frickin' knew growing up, smoked. Hmmm, wonder how many still do?
I guess I'm technically into day 3 now, but I still haven't gone to sleep. I don't know if insomnia is a side effect of the patch or not, but I haven't been sleeping well since I started this whole thing. I'm too afraid to take the patch off until I know for sure that I'm ready for bed. I don't want that craving to catch up with me!
I wonder if I would have ever picked up my first cigarette if the women of major importance in my life had never smoked. While they did tell me it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it (kind of like "do what I say, not what I do"), but they were adults and had the freedom to do whatever they wanted. This of course, at my young age, equalled coolness, and something that I aspired to be (cool and an adult). So, if that's what they chose to do, with all the freedoms presented with adulthood, what cooler thing in the world was there?
Just had a thought, how sad is it that all the females in my life that I have looked up to have been smokers? That really says a lot, doesn't it? There's my Mom, who quit when I was about 11 or 12. I remember begging her to roll down the window more as she puffed away in the car. Then years later, I remember stealing a drag or two off her cigarette that she let lay in the ashtray burning as she attended to something in the other room (sorry Mom). And then there's Gramma, who eventually died from smoking.
Other women (girls at the time) that I looked up to were Cherie Catencamp. I don't know why I remember her name so well. But she was the first person to ever smoke with me. We used to ride around on our bikes, picking up any salvagable cigarette butts from the streets of the neighborhood (GROSS! Can't believe I did that) and then high-tail it to the school yard to puff away in all our secret glamour. Her older sisters smoked also, and they were just the coolest thing since sliced bread, because one of them went to a Prince concert and got hit on by a bandmember. Haha, the things we used to think were cool, right? Anyway, it wasn't all bad, knowing her. She introduced me to microwaved marshmellows (an evilly delicious treat), and I saw Saturday Night Live for the first time at her house at a sleepover. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to see it so bad, because, you know, the COOL kids watched it all the time.
This all happened in 5th grade, believe it or not. I didn't inhale until middle school, but I'll get to that girl in a bit. 5th grade...the first time I heard "smoker" as an accusation. I felt like an outcast because everyone knew what I was doing. At the same time, of course, this is when my rebellious nature began to develop against anything automatically considered "normal" or "right". At least I was known for something. It's a whole lot better then feeling invisable.
As I attended middle school, I naturally gravitated to the "bad" crowd. They were rebels, who did what they wanted, when they wanted. Which, if you know my mother, is a very attractive in contrast to my home life (sorry Mom). Besides that though, if you don't know already, these "bad" people, and I'm talking about "bad" people in general of all ages, the tattooed, motorcycle riding, booze-chugging bad-asses of the world are the most unassuming, open-minded people I have ever met. At least that has been my experience so far. Their loud way of dressing, their wild hair, and rebelious ways are really just trying to overtly distract you from their insecurities, for the most part. So, it makes sense that this type of person would be more accepting, and easier to be friends with. If you're open to them, they return the favor, is what I'm saying. Anyway, there was this girl, Roxy. I think her real name was Rhonda. But, of course, Roxy is much more bad-ass. Picture Samantha Fox as a middle-schooler. For the youngins, picture if Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears had a baby. She was just the epitomy of cool to me. I never really knew much about her, but everything about her screamed I'm cool, I do what I want, and I love aqua net! And of course, she was never without a cigarette before school, down the block a bit so the teachers would see "the smokers". And I was happy to join her, and thrilled she let me.
The most influencial person in my "smoking career" was a Miss Angie Schultz. This was 8th grade, now. This is the one who taught me how to inhale. Another girl that was, in my opinion, the coolest girl in the school. She always wore the Guess jeans, always had the cute purses, hair-do, one of the most popular girls in school as well. And, of course, I was thrilled that she took a liking to me, and decided to take me "under her wing". We were working on a project for choir, and decided to go over a silly dance routine at her house. On the way there, we stopped at this Country Buffet-type diner that had a cigarette machine. We got a pack without getting caught, and walked over to the baseball field across the street. We sat in the bleachers, and she instructed me on how to inhale without choking. I was like "Holy crap, I'm a REAL smoker now!" I was frickin' giddy with excitement that I could smoke like the rest of the people that I looked up to. And, that's were it all started, in my opinion. Unfortunately, I cannot say I recall any redeeming qualities about this girl. Despite her appearences, her house was much dumpier then the one I was living in. And, bless her heart, she allowed me to huff gasoline with her one time. Super! What a friend, right?
So that's 5th grade through middle school. I'll save high school for another day. But exploring this leads me to wonder, was there ever an option, considering who these influential women in my life where, that I even had the chance to be a non smoker? It almost seems inevitable, especially with my desperation to fit in with who I thought was cool at the time. Almost everyone I frickin' knew growing up, smoked. Hmmm, wonder how many still do?
I guess I'm technically into day 3 now, but I still haven't gone to sleep. I don't know if insomnia is a side effect of the patch or not, but I haven't been sleeping well since I started this whole thing. I'm too afraid to take the patch off until I know for sure that I'm ready for bed. I don't want that craving to catch up with me!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
First timer here!
OK, so I'm new to all this blogging stuff. My sister has had one for a while, so I guess she inspired me in a way. This blog is mostly going to be about what I go through as I take the uphill journey to quit smoking. I do tend to ramble when I write sometimes, but that's what blogs are for, right?
Anyway, I am on day 2 without a cigarette. This has to be at least my fifth time at seriously quitting smoking. So far, it has been without incident. A little uneasiness, and restlessness, but I expected that. This isn't my first time at the rodeo. But then again, I haven't left the house either, lol. My husband called from work about an hour ago (he was quitting we me also), to learn that, as he put it, epically failed today. He's been off work for a while, due to a foot injury, and this was his first day back. I think all of the guys at his work smoke. So, he didn't last long before he asked one of the guys for a smoke. He says he'll have to do a "do-over" tomorrow. I hope he really does. Not only for his health, but to give me strength to keep going as well.
As for me, I would love to have a life free of dependance on anything. With this quit, more then the others, I truly realize how much of an actual drug these cigarettes are. I don't think you could know that until you go without. While a cigarette won't immediately kill you, like an overdose could, the addiction is so powerful that until you get a smoke, you will do almost anything to get the money together to go buy some. I've scrounged for change in the car, in pants and coat pockets, in change jars that were there to save for other purposes, all to get a hit of....tobacco?! How ridiculous is that? I find myself, in times of desperation (out of cigarettes) that I would do almost anything in order to get some more. Now I'm not talking about selling sexual favors or anything (lol), but I would manipulate people to come over if I new they had cigarettes, or I knew they had money I could weasle out of them somehow. Sounds like a drug addict to me.
More than this, I am SO SICK of my life being controlled by cigarettes. I can't even begin to calculate the hours spent just sitting there, all alone, smoking. I've missed out on time with the people I love, just so I could inhale that crap. Not to mention the worsening asthma. Yes, I have asthma, and I used to smoke! So retarded, I know. Oh, and there's the high blood pressure that my husband and I were both recently diagnosed with. I don't want to be on the road to stroke-ville anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't keep playing with my health.
For anyone who may read this that doesn't know me, my Grandmother and aunt both died from smoking-related illnesses. I remember, as a young girl, my grandmother hacking her lungs up as she continued to puff away. "Are you OK, Grandma?" I would always ask her. "Oh, I'm fine...cough, hack, cough", she would say back. She eventually quit, but it was too late. She got emphasema, and later died. I miss her terribly, but I don't want to see her anytime soon. What I'm about to write may seem silly, but I believe it to be true. Occassionally, I'll look up to the sky and see a cloud in the shape of a heart. I only see this once in a great while. But, I think it's Grandma saying, "Hi", or "I love you", or "You can do it". I know, kinda strange, right? But that's what my gut tells me, and I believe it.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. More on day 3 tomorrow.
Anyway, I am on day 2 without a cigarette. This has to be at least my fifth time at seriously quitting smoking. So far, it has been without incident. A little uneasiness, and restlessness, but I expected that. This isn't my first time at the rodeo. But then again, I haven't left the house either, lol. My husband called from work about an hour ago (he was quitting we me also), to learn that, as he put it, epically failed today. He's been off work for a while, due to a foot injury, and this was his first day back. I think all of the guys at his work smoke. So, he didn't last long before he asked one of the guys for a smoke. He says he'll have to do a "do-over" tomorrow. I hope he really does. Not only for his health, but to give me strength to keep going as well.
As for me, I would love to have a life free of dependance on anything. With this quit, more then the others, I truly realize how much of an actual drug these cigarettes are. I don't think you could know that until you go without. While a cigarette won't immediately kill you, like an overdose could, the addiction is so powerful that until you get a smoke, you will do almost anything to get the money together to go buy some. I've scrounged for change in the car, in pants and coat pockets, in change jars that were there to save for other purposes, all to get a hit of....tobacco?! How ridiculous is that? I find myself, in times of desperation (out of cigarettes) that I would do almost anything in order to get some more. Now I'm not talking about selling sexual favors or anything (lol), but I would manipulate people to come over if I new they had cigarettes, or I knew they had money I could weasle out of them somehow. Sounds like a drug addict to me.
More than this, I am SO SICK of my life being controlled by cigarettes. I can't even begin to calculate the hours spent just sitting there, all alone, smoking. I've missed out on time with the people I love, just so I could inhale that crap. Not to mention the worsening asthma. Yes, I have asthma, and I used to smoke! So retarded, I know. Oh, and there's the high blood pressure that my husband and I were both recently diagnosed with. I don't want to be on the road to stroke-ville anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't keep playing with my health.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. More on day 3 tomorrow.
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