Hello all, I am writing today just because I feel like it. I need to "empty my brain into the keyboard". This practice has proven to be pretty good therapy for me, as I am still awaiting my appointment to talk to a live person about my problems. I have found that music is great therapy as well. Today is classic rock day for me. I've got the stereo on downstairs, and then a little boom box/radio thing by my side in the "office" tuned to the same station. Yep, I like the radio because you never know what you're gonna hear next. For all the times you hear the same tired song, there that one that comes on every once in a while that just takes you back to a particular memory, or just plain old makes you feel good. Plus the fact that we have no working computer speakers at the moment so now aol radio or my itunes library can be played. I mean it could, but it would sound horrible. As I've said many times, just because you could doesn't mean you should. Wow, that saying applies to so many things, doesn't it?
So, unlike yesterday, today is OK. I was really scared that I was about to have a repeat of the episode I had a few weeks ago with my bipolar disorder. However, today it's as if overnight, while I slept, the anxiety and depression just decided to go dormant again for a while. Which is freakin' fine by me! I hate the feeling I get when I'm in the worst part of this disorder. Hate is a strong word, but yes I truly hate being in that state. Feeling pathetically out of control with depression and anxiety is debilitating, exhausting and plain miserable. So, I'm just going to try to appreciate the small amount of peace I have in this moment and see how long it will stretch for me.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
9 weeks, 1 day...Down the emotional rabbit hole
Yep, I can feel a good one coming on. The classic signs are appearing, like feeling it's impossible to get enough sleep no matter how much I do. I'm always tired. But the past couple of days, I have had to force myself out of bed only because of the threat of getting a nasty back ache if I lay around too much. Lots of "to-do" lists running through my head that I feel is just too much, and I end up getting nothing done. I don't know where to even start, so I don't do anything. Easily overwhelmed. Practically living on ice cream at this point, don't forget the magic shell. I know, gross, right? That's the crazy part, I know it's gross too, but I can't help myself. It's like when you observe yourself as a separate person in a dream. Being bipolar is like that sometimes. Especially when you're in the downward spiral. Carving lots of junk food, drinking lots of caffinated beverages in stay awake. Instaed of raiding my change jar for cigarettes, I'm now raiding it for Red Bulls.
I almost think I should call my husband up at work and warn him that I don't know who he'll come home to. Loving wife who is happy to see him, or miserable bipolar lady that is pissed that he couldn't even take out the garbage last night (for example). Just the fact that I experience this flip-flopping of emotional states is enough to drive me crazy on its own. My poor husband, what the hell does he see in me again? I don't know how many more years he'll put up with it. I know that if I wasn't afflicted with any emotional disorder and I was in a relationship with someone that was, I don't think I could hang as long as he has. But, then again, there is other members of my husband's immediate family that are afflicted with different mental issues, so who knows.
Ugh, even typing about this is making it worse, so I'm going to try and concentrate on some homework. Unfortunately however,we are studying the reproductive unit for Anatomy & Physiology. While this class is very interesting to me, this unit is particularly hard. Don't know if anyone has heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but that is what I have. I won't get into gruesome details but in essence, eggs that are normally supposed to drop, don't, and can for cysts in the ovaries. Among the many many psychologically damaging side effects involved with this syndrome, the main one is that I cannot naturally conceive. It can be done, but not without "help" from the doctor. I have no insurance, neither does my husband. That pretty much equals no health care to speak of, unless its a semi-emergency.
Health insurance is actually a main reason that I have decided to get an education. Better job = health benefits. However, I am 35 now. Am I still going to want to try and have kids when I'm like 37? I know it CAN be done, but I have not yet decided if it SHOULD be done, according to my own moral compass.
I'm leaning towards not wanting to be a mother now, because I do not want to impose, yet alone pass on, any of my disorders to my child. I'm thinking that maybe it's meant to be that I can't have kids naturally.
But then I think of all the drug-addicted babies born every year, all the babies born to mother's who (in my opinion) do not deserve to be blessed with children. And I think, if they get to be mother's, why can't I?
I almost think I should call my husband up at work and warn him that I don't know who he'll come home to. Loving wife who is happy to see him, or miserable bipolar lady that is pissed that he couldn't even take out the garbage last night (for example). Just the fact that I experience this flip-flopping of emotional states is enough to drive me crazy on its own. My poor husband, what the hell does he see in me again? I don't know how many more years he'll put up with it. I know that if I wasn't afflicted with any emotional disorder and I was in a relationship with someone that was, I don't think I could hang as long as he has. But, then again, there is other members of my husband's immediate family that are afflicted with different mental issues, so who knows.
Ugh, even typing about this is making it worse, so I'm going to try and concentrate on some homework. Unfortunately however,we are studying the reproductive unit for Anatomy & Physiology. While this class is very interesting to me, this unit is particularly hard. Don't know if anyone has heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but that is what I have. I won't get into gruesome details but in essence, eggs that are normally supposed to drop, don't, and can for cysts in the ovaries. Among the many many psychologically damaging side effects involved with this syndrome, the main one is that I cannot naturally conceive. It can be done, but not without "help" from the doctor. I have no insurance, neither does my husband. That pretty much equals no health care to speak of, unless its a semi-emergency.
Health insurance is actually a main reason that I have decided to get an education. Better job = health benefits. However, I am 35 now. Am I still going to want to try and have kids when I'm like 37? I know it CAN be done, but I have not yet decided if it SHOULD be done, according to my own moral compass.
I'm leaning towards not wanting to be a mother now, because I do not want to impose, yet alone pass on, any of my disorders to my child. I'm thinking that maybe it's meant to be that I can't have kids naturally.
What's so great about them compared to me and my faults that allow them that privelege? I don't know, I am thoroughly confused on this topic. And just thoroughly confused in general right now.
Ugh! I'm a mess, so I will digress and try to get through the next few days without doing anything stupid. I'm counting the days until I get my appointment at the Mental Health of Aurora facility on the 7th of April. It's not too far off now.
Monday, March 22, 2010
8 weeks and 4 days...Throw a dog a bone, would ya?!
For those of you who may be new readers to this blog, the time frame listed in the title is the amount of time since I quit smoking. I am almost at my personal best record of about 3 months in 1998. I don't know what I'll do to reward myself if I surpass that. All I can say is that it will feel pretty awesome!......a new pair of walking shoes would be nice.
Anyway, I am now here at my in-law's house. Kind of babysitting in a way, I suppose. My father-in-law, who will give you the shirt off his back if you ask for it, just went through heart surgery. Out of 8 possible arteries they could have bypassed, he had to have 5 of them rerouted. He was in bad shape, having dizzy spells all the time, and other symptoms of compromised circulation because of his heart. He was also, at one point, a 2 pack a day smoker. He smoked for about 40 years he says. Can you imagine breaking a habit you enjoy, after having done it for 40 years? I smoked for 20 years, and cannot imagine what he must be going through on top of recovering from cardiac surgery.
He was basically told, when he was admitted, that he was no longer a smoker. This is the part that worries me. See, my father-in-law is one of those types of people that absolutely hate to be told what to do, whether or not it is the right thing to do, is irrelevant. So, even though he was in the process of planning to quit smoking before the surgery by taking Zyban, I worry that he'll insist on quitting on his own terms, and try to have "just one more" because that is what he decides, only for the reason of having control over his circumstances. This remains to be seen. So far he is doing great as far as I can tell. He is, of course, noticably weaker and looking older. He is still on an oxygen tank for the time being, but this should be temporary.
Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, I will be the one to chauffer him to his rehabilitation and physical therapy appointments. I do not mind doing this at all, but the reason I have been nominated is because I do not have a job to speak of. Unemployment; a blessing in disguise? I don't know.
I want to be able to contribute to my own household, but on the same note, I feel it is my duty to be there for the person who made me able to have a house at all. You see, my in-laws are gracious enough to believe the analogy that "you can't take it with you" when you die. So they have made it possible for both of their sons to be home owners. Wow, right? This of course, has benefitted me as well, among other things they have done for us. So, in that sense, I am almost glad to be working so I can be there when they need help, which is pretty much never. If I can help them out in any way shape or form I will. My help, in whatever form, is all I have to offer them for the generosity the have shown my husband and I.
Anyway, I am now here at my in-law's house. Kind of babysitting in a way, I suppose. My father-in-law, who will give you the shirt off his back if you ask for it, just went through heart surgery. Out of 8 possible arteries they could have bypassed, he had to have 5 of them rerouted. He was in bad shape, having dizzy spells all the time, and other symptoms of compromised circulation because of his heart. He was also, at one point, a 2 pack a day smoker. He smoked for about 40 years he says. Can you imagine breaking a habit you enjoy, after having done it for 40 years? I smoked for 20 years, and cannot imagine what he must be going through on top of recovering from cardiac surgery.
He was basically told, when he was admitted, that he was no longer a smoker. This is the part that worries me. See, my father-in-law is one of those types of people that absolutely hate to be told what to do, whether or not it is the right thing to do, is irrelevant. So, even though he was in the process of planning to quit smoking before the surgery by taking Zyban, I worry that he'll insist on quitting on his own terms, and try to have "just one more" because that is what he decides, only for the reason of having control over his circumstances. This remains to be seen. So far he is doing great as far as I can tell. He is, of course, noticably weaker and looking older. He is still on an oxygen tank for the time being, but this should be temporary.
Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, I will be the one to chauffer him to his rehabilitation and physical therapy appointments. I do not mind doing this at all, but the reason I have been nominated is because I do not have a job to speak of. Unemployment; a blessing in disguise? I don't know.
I want to be able to contribute to my own household, but on the same note, I feel it is my duty to be there for the person who made me able to have a house at all. You see, my in-laws are gracious enough to believe the analogy that "you can't take it with you" when you die. So they have made it possible for both of their sons to be home owners. Wow, right? This of course, has benefitted me as well, among other things they have done for us. So, in that sense, I am almost glad to be working so I can be there when they need help, which is pretty much never. If I can help them out in any way shape or form I will. My help, in whatever form, is all I have to offer them for the generosity the have shown my husband and I.
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