First of all, thank you to everyone who commentd, I do appreciate your input. You all are pretty much in agreement that I am over reacting to my sister's decision to move to Hawaii in pursuit of religious happiness and fulfillment. So, maybe you all are right. Maybe I should just be happy that she is deciding to drop everything and pursue some state of happiness that she is unable to find here. Maybe I should be happy that she chooses to ditch personal relationships to gain a better one with a spiritual element. Yes, maybe, but right now, I am unable to do so. I know that with time, I will make peace with the fact that she is going and has personal motivations that I will never understand. But right now, I'm still not happy about it. Whatever, follow your bliss, tra-la-la-la....and all that crap.
In a similar vein,of getting things off my chest, I found a "blast from the past" on facebook. I found that "man" I mistakenly married when I was a mere 19 years old. I was completely floored to see his picture up there on the screen. Not nearly as handsome as he was when I knew him. Now he looked weathered, his face was all reddened and thinned out. I assume this is a result of years of abusing alcohol, as he was most definetely persuing that path when he got together with me, and I know he had a family history with it also.
At that time, we were both unstable people, and got married after knowing each other only 3 weeks. I later found out that he had only asked me to marry him in order to get paid more once he joined the army. None of which was ever sent back home to me. But I'm sure he had all the drinks that him, his buddies, and the tramps hanging out with them could handle.
Anyway, to make a very long story short, I wrote to him to get off of my chest all the anger and resentment I've been holding onto over the years. I was expecting a very different response then the one I got. I'm going to attempt to post a link so you can read it if you chose.
Baggage handler's response to baggage...
This has been a crazy time for me lately, lots of emotional activity. Sister's moving away, I talk to a guy that gave me lots of baggage, and my father-in-law is in the hospital. A lot to handle, but I'm trying to keep it at the "One day at a time" level. Wish me luck.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Emotional Exhaustion...Put on your glasses, this is a long one!
Oh boy, I am really emotionally drained. I have been going through a lot of turmoil in these past few weeks. First of all, the greatest stressor has been to keep away from cigarettes amidst all this other stuff happening around me. That, by itself, is immensley difficult. But, on top of that, I had a complete emotional/mental breakdown as a result of my bi-polar episode spinning out of control. I don't know why, it simply just happened. That's perhaps the most frustrating thing about having the disorder, is that it's completely out of your control. Anyway, in the middle of that breakdown, I found out that my sister will most likely be moving away......to Hawaii.
I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write. I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement. But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head. But, I can talk about how it will affect me.
Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close. Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening. As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls. But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house. Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family. Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice. Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that. But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.
When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier. I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life. I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding. I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me. How could he be though, he didn't know me. If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I know that it can't be all perfect. Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life. Still sad, none the less.
So, couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that. One word: BORING!! We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though. That teeny town had 5 bars!! Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin. But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet. It was just a really crappy couple of years.
My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado. His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great. At least we would have some family around. Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs! A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be. How cool is that?! I was totally excited. We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis. I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me. I would be an aunt, in practice. I was happy about this news, for sure.
Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood". Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house. This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away. No big deal, still doable. The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma! But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible. They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that. And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol. I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that. Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices. You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.
However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently. They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area. I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too. I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have. Is it the $7 a gallon for milk? Is it humidity and bugs? Is it not knowing anyone and starting over? I know they know one person, but that's it.
My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state? My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want. Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there? I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years? I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.
Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons. I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person). Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three. They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines. You know what I mean? No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations". Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house. My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me. I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen. I'll probably never throw it away. And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.
You can't get that in mail or over the phone.
I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.
I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write. I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement. But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head. But, I can talk about how it will affect me.
Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close. Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening. As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls. But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house. Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family. Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice. Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that. But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.
When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier. I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life. I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding. I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me. How could he be though, he didn't know me. If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I know that it can't be all perfect. Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life. Still sad, none the less.
So, couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that. One word: BORING!! We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though. That teeny town had 5 bars!! Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin. But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet. It was just a really crappy couple of years.
My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado. His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great. At least we would have some family around. Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs! A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be. How cool is that?! I was totally excited. We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis. I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me. I would be an aunt, in practice. I was happy about this news, for sure.
Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood". Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house. This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away. No big deal, still doable. The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma! But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible. They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that. And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol. I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that. Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices. You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.
However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently. They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area. I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too. I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have. Is it the $7 a gallon for milk? Is it humidity and bugs? Is it not knowing anyone and starting over? I know they know one person, but that's it.
My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state? My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want. Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there? I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years? I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.
Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons. I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person). Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three. They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines. You know what I mean? No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations". Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house. My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me. I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen. I'll probably never throw it away. And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.
You can't get that in mail or over the phone.
I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Collages
I started making collages again. However, the one I made last night was in the form of "flair", on facebook.
My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.
Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.
This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...
Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...
No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...
Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!
Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!
My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.
Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.
This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...
Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...
No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...
Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!
Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!
6 weeks, 5 days...Gettin' close to 2 months!
Never, never, never in a million years did I think I would be able to make it this far. I even made it through a nasty episode with bipolar and didn't smoke. That's an accomplishment for sure. My personal best stretch of time that I've ever been able to quit smoking is somewhere between 3 and 4 months. This was back in 1998. I rememeber it because of the place I worked at the time. It was my first job out of beauty school, and this is also the time when I met my husband. So ya, not an easily forgetable time. Anyway, I have no idea what made me go back to it......oh ya, everyone I knew outside of work and parents smoked!! I was doomed before I even started. At 22, I was nowhere near mentally oe emotionally strong enough to truly believe that I had to do this for myself, and that my self was worth it. I couldn't imagine the long term risks in any kind of reality. My Mom always said that I had to learn things the hard way. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't really know that I had to quit until my health started to suffer in obvious and serious ways (to me). Inhaler "hits" numerous times a day, and complications of high blood pressure are what did it for me. If you're blood pressure's too high, you could have a stroke. And if you let high blood pressure go for long enough, you can replace "could" in the previous sentence with "will". If you can't breathe, well, you know what happens. So, those were big enough reasons for me to actually do it this time.
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