Emotional Exhaustion...Put on your glasses, this is a long one!

Oh boy, I am really emotionally drained.  I have been going through a lot of turmoil in these past few weeks.  First of all, the greatest stressor has been to keep away from cigarettes amidst all this other stuff happening around me.  That, by itself, is immensley difficult.  But, on top of that, I had a complete emotional/mental breakdown as a result of my bi-polar episode spinning out of control. I don't know why, it simply just happened.  That's perhaps the most frustrating thing about having the disorder, is that it's completely out of your control.  Anyway, in the middle of that breakdown, I found out that my sister will most likely be moving away......to Hawaii. 

I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write.  I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement.  But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head.  But, I can talk about how it will affect me.

Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close.  Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening.  As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls.  But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house.  Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family.  Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice.  Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that.  But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.

When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier.  I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life.  I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding.  I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me.  How could he be though, he didn't know me.  If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything.  I know that it can't be all perfect.  Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life.  Still sad, none the less.

 So,  couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that.  One word: BORING!!  We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though.  That teeny town had 5 bars!!  Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin.  But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet.  It was just a really crappy couple of years.

My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado.  His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great.  At least we would have some family around.  Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs!  A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be.  How cool is that?!  I was totally excited.  We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis.  I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me.  I would be an aunt, in practice.  I was happy about this news, for sure.

Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood".  Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house.  This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away.  No big deal, still doable.  The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma!  But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible.  They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that.  And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol.  I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that.  Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices.  You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.

However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently.  They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area.  I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too.  I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have.  Is it the $7 a gallon for milk?  Is it humidity and bugs?  Is it not knowing anyone and starting over?  I know they know one person, but that's it.

My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state?  My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want.  Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there?  I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years?  I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.

Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons.  I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person).  Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three.  They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines.  You know what I mean?  No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations".  Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house.  My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me.  I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen.  I'll probably never throw it away.  And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.

  You can't get that in mail or over the phone.

I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.