Ok, so I've come down from my manic energy surge this morning. No depression yet....but it's on it's way. Hopefully I can get enough cycles of medication in me before it hits. That would be great. Here's to hoping!
Anyway, I felt the need to write again today. And as my invisible audience, you'll all just have to deal with it.
I am starting to experience the freedom that not smoking is giving me, and I must say I like it. I was on the couch thinking, I really should go make the bed (put new sheets on). And then, guess what? I just got up and did it. Now this may seem quite normal for a non smoker. But for a smoker, everything, every activity is ruled by cigarettes. Normally, I would think about actually putting those clean sheets on the bed with a cigarette, and then actually do it. I needed a cigarette to think about the action of doing just about everything. Dishes need doing? Oh, I'll do them, but I "need" a cigarette first. Hell, I sometimes couldn't even leave a room if I wanted to because I was in the middle of a cigarette. You see what I'm saying here? I made myself a slave, and/or prisoner (take your pick) to something that would eventually kill me. How dumb is that?
So, I just wanted to share my newfound freedom, that I didn't even know was there for the taking. Awesome!
I just heard through the family grapevine, that my father-in-law, the chimney of the family, is now taking "something from the doctor that allows him to smoke while he builds up the gumption to quit". Sounds like Chantix to me. This has not been validated, only a rumor at this point. But, wow, wouldn't that be awesome?! Of course, if it's true, I would have to take just a little credit for inspiring him to do so. Even if it's true, it would never be admitted to, but I can think whatever I want, right? Ha!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day 9....Another "manic Monday" (really Saturday)
Day 9
Strangely hyper today. You know how I said that I promised to take my medicine as I am supposed to? Well, after not doing so for a while, and then taking it as regularly intended, anti-depressants can send your emotional state for a loop before everything evens out. Ah, such a double-edged sword, this manic-depression. I must admit, I love being in the manic part of the disorder. I wish I could feel this way all the freaking time! Anything is possible. What do you need? Oh, I can do it and then some! So fascinating what a few chemicals in the brain can do to you. The down side is that, as been scientifically proven and personally experienced, that a depression ALWAYS follows a manic period. That's the part I'm not looking forward to. So, if my post in the next few days takes on a more somber tone, you know why. Other then that, I'll enjoy this while it lasts! What to do though?
My husband and I have been tossing around the idea of "growing our own". We have a shed in the backyard, that because of the thick plastic sheeting-type roof, is more like a greenhouse. This would be the perfect place for such an operation, we think. I need to get out there and take temperature measurements at different points during the day to see if it's really possible. From what we know so far, you can grow it, up to 6 plants at a time, and then sell it to the dispensaries. No, I do not want it to be known to "friends" that may smoke. I am not stupid, and do not want endless traffic going in and out of the house from selling to "friends". I put friends in quotes, because the people that you associate with to smoke pot, are usually people you are not friends with otherwise. Like a drinking buddy, I guess, just smoking instead, right?
Anyway, I know that there are certain risks involved. As we do not have kids yet, I am more willing to take these risks. I know it is legal in Colorado (with limitations), but not yet federally. I think I would want to conceal the transparency of the current roof of this shed, because I don't want the neighbors to learn what we're up to. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about the neighbors that would be in view of this, accept that they are not very social, as they chose not to come over for our house warming party even to say hi. I don't really care about that, but you never know how uptight people are or what conclusions they will jump to in their head. Besides that, I care less about what they think, but more about the fact that a break-in and theft would be a possibility because of the transparency of the roof of the shed. It would be easily viewable form the upstairs windows of the neighbor's house.
I know that my husband would qualify for a growing license, as he has had several knee surgeries in his life, and still sufferes from pain from a foot injury. As for myself, I am unaware of it being legit for someone with mental health issues. I know it does the trick to mellow me out, but how the rule-makers feel about it, is what really matters in this case. I am a big fan of the edibles. You know, the "special" brownies and such.
This way, I don't have to smoke anything, and I don't have to taunt my asthma. Also, in my experience, you get a much more thorough high, a "body high", as I've heard it's been called; and it lasts a lot longer when you eat it, too. Oddly enough, I do experience a bit of a hangover with the edibles. General lethargy, and feeling kind of run down the next day.
Yep, I used to be a raging pothead. Self-medicating my bi-polar with pot. It did work pretty well, but all that smoking is just no good for you. And I've learned, that you can, in fact, smoke yourself retarded. My short-term memory is definetely shot. So, with my years of experience and wisdom (lol), I've learned that " a little dab will do ya". And with my quitting amoking cigarettes, it's definetley not a good idea to smoke anything, because it would make me want a cigarette afterwords. So, that's not gonna happen.
What I am going to do though, is teach myself how to cook with it. There's all kinds of recipees out there for "bud butter", as well as measurements of the green stuff to put in recipees like brownies and such.
But, before any of that happens, we have to get our license to grow. This costs some money, and requires a doctor's recommendation. My husband has just requested his old medical records to show that he has a legitamite use for it. Then, I believe the next thing is that he has to see a pot-friendly doctor to get the recommendation. Then I think he applies for and pays for the license.
The beauty of all this, is that my husband and I can finally have a hobby in common! We have been searching for such a thing for years. He is an avid (read: addicted!) gamer, and I don't really have anything specific that I enjoy, except school at this point. So, I am actually looking forward to getting closer to this goal of becomming legit, and growing some plants. It would be nice if it's true that you can sell it to the dispensaries. That almost sounds too good to be true, but we'll see.
Anyway, I'm off to go rig up a thermomter is the shed. After that, I don't know. As long as this patch is attached to me, I'll be fine.
Strangely hyper today. You know how I said that I promised to take my medicine as I am supposed to? Well, after not doing so for a while, and then taking it as regularly intended, anti-depressants can send your emotional state for a loop before everything evens out. Ah, such a double-edged sword, this manic-depression. I must admit, I love being in the manic part of the disorder. I wish I could feel this way all the freaking time! Anything is possible. What do you need? Oh, I can do it and then some! So fascinating what a few chemicals in the brain can do to you. The down side is that, as been scientifically proven and personally experienced, that a depression ALWAYS follows a manic period. That's the part I'm not looking forward to. So, if my post in the next few days takes on a more somber tone, you know why. Other then that, I'll enjoy this while it lasts! What to do though?
My husband and I have been tossing around the idea of "growing our own". We have a shed in the backyard, that because of the thick plastic sheeting-type roof, is more like a greenhouse. This would be the perfect place for such an operation, we think. I need to get out there and take temperature measurements at different points during the day to see if it's really possible. From what we know so far, you can grow it, up to 6 plants at a time, and then sell it to the dispensaries. No, I do not want it to be known to "friends" that may smoke. I am not stupid, and do not want endless traffic going in and out of the house from selling to "friends". I put friends in quotes, because the people that you associate with to smoke pot, are usually people you are not friends with otherwise. Like a drinking buddy, I guess, just smoking instead, right?
Anyway, I know that there are certain risks involved. As we do not have kids yet, I am more willing to take these risks. I know it is legal in Colorado (with limitations), but not yet federally. I think I would want to conceal the transparency of the current roof of this shed, because I don't want the neighbors to learn what we're up to. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about the neighbors that would be in view of this, accept that they are not very social, as they chose not to come over for our house warming party even to say hi. I don't really care about that, but you never know how uptight people are or what conclusions they will jump to in their head. Besides that, I care less about what they think, but more about the fact that a break-in and theft would be a possibility because of the transparency of the roof of the shed. It would be easily viewable form the upstairs windows of the neighbor's house.
I know that my husband would qualify for a growing license, as he has had several knee surgeries in his life, and still sufferes from pain from a foot injury. As for myself, I am unaware of it being legit for someone with mental health issues. I know it does the trick to mellow me out, but how the rule-makers feel about it, is what really matters in this case. I am a big fan of the edibles. You know, the "special" brownies and such.
This way, I don't have to smoke anything, and I don't have to taunt my asthma. Also, in my experience, you get a much more thorough high, a "body high", as I've heard it's been called; and it lasts a lot longer when you eat it, too. Oddly enough, I do experience a bit of a hangover with the edibles. General lethargy, and feeling kind of run down the next day.
Yep, I used to be a raging pothead. Self-medicating my bi-polar with pot. It did work pretty well, but all that smoking is just no good for you. And I've learned, that you can, in fact, smoke yourself retarded. My short-term memory is definetely shot. So, with my years of experience and wisdom (lol), I've learned that " a little dab will do ya". And with my quitting amoking cigarettes, it's definetley not a good idea to smoke anything, because it would make me want a cigarette afterwords. So, that's not gonna happen.
What I am going to do though, is teach myself how to cook with it. There's all kinds of recipees out there for "bud butter", as well as measurements of the green stuff to put in recipees like brownies and such.
But, before any of that happens, we have to get our license to grow. This costs some money, and requires a doctor's recommendation. My husband has just requested his old medical records to show that he has a legitamite use for it. Then, I believe the next thing is that he has to see a pot-friendly doctor to get the recommendation. Then I think he applies for and pays for the license.
The beauty of all this, is that my husband and I can finally have a hobby in common! We have been searching for such a thing for years. He is an avid (read: addicted!) gamer, and I don't really have anything specific that I enjoy, except school at this point. So, I am actually looking forward to getting closer to this goal of becomming legit, and growing some plants. It would be nice if it's true that you can sell it to the dispensaries. That almost sounds too good to be true, but we'll see.
Anyway, I'm off to go rig up a thermomter is the shed. After that, I don't know. As long as this patch is attached to me, I'll be fine.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Day 8...Minor relapse :(
Well, I caved, I couldn't resist temptation. I lasted til about 2 in the morning and snuck into the garage to smoke that butt that I knew was sitting there. Aaaaah! The shame! The guilt, the disappointment in myself! I was so wrought with guilt, that I thankfully (I guess), did not enjoy it at all. A regrettable, dumb relapse. I probably took about 4 drags all together. I know exactly what I did wrong....
When I first quit smoking, I had been having serious insomnia. So I decided that I would start taking off the patch at about 10 pm. This really helped.....if I went to bed before midnight. Anything past that put me in the danger zone. And that's what I let happen last night. I took the patch off at aout 10, and then proceeded to stay up way too late. Now, I'm not making excuses, I take full responsibilty for my lapse in judgement. But looking back, these are the reasons I think it happened. Absolutely powerless over nicotine still. Hmmm, is there an NA (nicotine annonymous) group out there? That's like the first step in AA is to admit you're absolutely powerless over your addiction, right? I have definetely learned not to fool myself into a false sense of control, at least not for a good while yet. When that patch comes off, it's like first day withdrawals all over again!
Another possible reason I had a retarded moment of judgement last night, was that,as much as I hate to admit it, I have not been taking my usual meds, as I should. I have never been one to want to have to take anything to just be "normal". So, I periodically still resist that theory to this day. Again, stupid, I know. Bi-polar does not just go away...ever. I have made peace with, although as seen through my actions, not entirely, with that fact that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. So, right here, right now, I am making a new promise to myself. I will take my medication as I am supposed to. What's the worst that could happen? I'm not scared, been there before. I know it is more important now than ever that I keep everything in my life as balanced as possible to allow complete focus on my current battle to quit smoking.
It's not over, I'm still fighting....my oponent just got in a cheap shot last night. Day 8 has been smoke free, and I will continue from there!
When I first quit smoking, I had been having serious insomnia. So I decided that I would start taking off the patch at about 10 pm. This really helped.....if I went to bed before midnight. Anything past that put me in the danger zone. And that's what I let happen last night. I took the patch off at aout 10, and then proceeded to stay up way too late. Now, I'm not making excuses, I take full responsibilty for my lapse in judgement. But looking back, these are the reasons I think it happened. Absolutely powerless over nicotine still. Hmmm, is there an NA (nicotine annonymous) group out there? That's like the first step in AA is to admit you're absolutely powerless over your addiction, right? I have definetely learned not to fool myself into a false sense of control, at least not for a good while yet. When that patch comes off, it's like first day withdrawals all over again!
Another possible reason I had a retarded moment of judgement last night, was that,as much as I hate to admit it, I have not been taking my usual meds, as I should. I have never been one to want to have to take anything to just be "normal". So, I periodically still resist that theory to this day. Again, stupid, I know. Bi-polar does not just go away...ever. I have made peace with, although as seen through my actions, not entirely, with that fact that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. So, right here, right now, I am making a new promise to myself. I will take my medication as I am supposed to. What's the worst that could happen? I'm not scared, been there before. I know it is more important now than ever that I keep everything in my life as balanced as possible to allow complete focus on my current battle to quit smoking.
It's not over, I'm still fighting....my oponent just got in a cheap shot last night. Day 8 has been smoke free, and I will continue from there!
End of Day 7...It's calling my name.
Tell it to shut up! Tell it to go away! Tell it I don't need it or want it anymore!
One thing, and one thing only is saving me from lighting up tonight. My husband's words of encouragement. Right before he went to bed, he told me he is proud of me. Now, he always says the casual "I love you"'s, and I know that he means it. But, to be honest, when you hear the same words over and over agian, be they positive or negative words, they lose their meaning over time. Not that I beleive my husband loves me any less with each time he says those words, they just lose their impact to a degree. Anyway, besides saying "I love you", kindness and gratitude does not come easy to my husband. His father is a navy man, and I beleive as a result, emotion and kindness came to equate with weakness in his family. We all have our own baggage, right? So, him telling me he was proud of me tonight is replaying in my mind as I tell the cigarette demons to shut the hell up.
Why does this have to be so hard, this quitting stuff? I know it's good for my health. But in the grand scheme of things, in my own psychology I think, am I really worth it? It's not like I'm pregnant. I wouldn't be hurting anyone except myself, right? Wrong. I know, logically, that's wrong.
Another "Dog-ism" comes to mind (my fav TV show). Your actions not only effect yourself, but the family that cares for you. Everytime you do something stupid that effect you negatively, you're not only letting yourself down, you let everyone that cares for you down also. You think you would only hurt yourself? You would hurt your mother, who's been pulling for you to quit smoking for years. She doesn't want to have her child go out the same way her mother did. Although, this would be an excellent way to show her that she can't control everything, this is not the way to do so. You would let your father down. I don't suppose I'll ever know exactly what my father thinks of me and my decisions, but he's always full of the obligatory parental encouragement. I wish I knew him better, I would love to crawl around in his head for a week. I wish he would read this and know that this concept applies to him also. I know it's hard, we all have our battles to fight. But if I can quit smoking, he can take care of his diabetes the way he should. But I digress. Then there's my sister, who I know reads this. She's probably the only one, but I don't care. I'm not here to gain an audience. I would like to show my little sister that I'm not as flighty, weak, out of control, as I may appear or have appeared in the past, to be. I would like to do something that she can be proud of.
I have often felt, that because of mental health isuues I have had in the past (and still deal with today) that our roles as older and younger sister are reversed. I feel that being bi-polar has taken away any ability to be the leader, the example. While she did quit smoking many years ago when she bacme pregnant with her first son, I feel that this is an opportunity for me to show that I am capable of something great also. Something to be looked up to for. Some may say, woopidy-doo, you quit smoking, big deal. But, to me it is. And so far, this is the hardest thing I've ever inflicted upon myself to do. Seriously, this is freaking hard, people!
....and I know there's a cigarette butt sitting in the garage right now with a few good drags left on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! This is driving me nuts. OK, I know smoking does not cure boredom. Smoking doesn't do anything good. I don't wanna go back to hitting the inhaler. I don't want my blood pressure to go up again. I should really be in bed anyways. I don't know how this night will end.
One thing, and one thing only is saving me from lighting up tonight. My husband's words of encouragement. Right before he went to bed, he told me he is proud of me. Now, he always says the casual "I love you"'s, and I know that he means it. But, to be honest, when you hear the same words over and over agian, be they positive or negative words, they lose their meaning over time. Not that I beleive my husband loves me any less with each time he says those words, they just lose their impact to a degree. Anyway, besides saying "I love you", kindness and gratitude does not come easy to my husband. His father is a navy man, and I beleive as a result, emotion and kindness came to equate with weakness in his family. We all have our own baggage, right? So, him telling me he was proud of me tonight is replaying in my mind as I tell the cigarette demons to shut the hell up.
Why does this have to be so hard, this quitting stuff? I know it's good for my health. But in the grand scheme of things, in my own psychology I think, am I really worth it? It's not like I'm pregnant. I wouldn't be hurting anyone except myself, right? Wrong. I know, logically, that's wrong.
Another "Dog-ism" comes to mind (my fav TV show). Your actions not only effect yourself, but the family that cares for you. Everytime you do something stupid that effect you negatively, you're not only letting yourself down, you let everyone that cares for you down also. You think you would only hurt yourself? You would hurt your mother, who's been pulling for you to quit smoking for years. She doesn't want to have her child go out the same way her mother did. Although, this would be an excellent way to show her that she can't control everything, this is not the way to do so. You would let your father down. I don't suppose I'll ever know exactly what my father thinks of me and my decisions, but he's always full of the obligatory parental encouragement. I wish I knew him better, I would love to crawl around in his head for a week. I wish he would read this and know that this concept applies to him also. I know it's hard, we all have our battles to fight. But if I can quit smoking, he can take care of his diabetes the way he should. But I digress. Then there's my sister, who I know reads this. She's probably the only one, but I don't care. I'm not here to gain an audience. I would like to show my little sister that I'm not as flighty, weak, out of control, as I may appear or have appeared in the past, to be. I would like to do something that she can be proud of.
I have often felt, that because of mental health isuues I have had in the past (and still deal with today) that our roles as older and younger sister are reversed. I feel that being bi-polar has taken away any ability to be the leader, the example. While she did quit smoking many years ago when she bacme pregnant with her first son, I feel that this is an opportunity for me to show that I am capable of something great also. Something to be looked up to for. Some may say, woopidy-doo, you quit smoking, big deal. But, to me it is. And so far, this is the hardest thing I've ever inflicted upon myself to do. Seriously, this is freaking hard, people!
....and I know there's a cigarette butt sitting in the garage right now with a few good drags left on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! This is driving me nuts. OK, I know smoking does not cure boredom. Smoking doesn't do anything good. I don't wanna go back to hitting the inhaler. I don't want my blood pressure to go up again. I should really be in bed anyways. I don't know how this night will end.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 7 Health benefits beginning...
Well, it's day 7. And I am starting to realize some of the health benefits of not smoking. Before, I thought, this is all a bunch of hooey! I have asthma, high blood pressure, and other issues. I just have them, it's not because of a small innocent little cigarette. Well, I am happy to report that since I have not been smoking, I have not had to use ny inhaler ONCE! Can you freaking belive it? I can't. I am so glad to be relieved of the tight, compressed feeling in my chest that caused me to have to "hit" my inhaler at least twice a day. Not to mention the constant "asthma cough" that never went away. I can now breathe deeply, without coughing. My asthma was getting so bad towards the end of my smoking that I thought I might end up in the emergency room one day soon. I am very happy that this fear is slowly drifting away.
Also, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of months ago. At the time, I thought it was just about the oddest thing in the world. I have no family history that I know of, and had never had high blood pressure before. I came up with the theory that it was probably caused by the change in elevation. I lived in the midwest and CA before moving to the mile high elevation of Colorado. This, I'm finding out, is also not true. My blood pressure was averaging 145/95, to estimate. The highest reading I took on my own was on December 15, it was 158/109. Kinda scary. I was sufferring from excrutiating headaches and dizzy spells regulary. After 7 days of not smoking, my blood pressure is on it's was back to normal. Yesterday I got a reading of 144/120, and today it's down to 138/109. Aaaah, much better!
While this news makes me very happy, the urge to smoke is not gone. I am still struggling with it every single day so far. Especially when my husband has the day off (today) and I know he has some in his coat pocket. But, I have come to far to cave in now. I don't want to go through this again! My husband has been very supportive, still smoking in the garage and keeping it out of my sight. I am thankful for that, it definetely helps.
After cleaning the house from top to bottom yesterday, I need something to do! My back is hurting from sitting in front of the dang TV so much. I can't go for a walk outside because despite the fact that it's freezing right now, the sidewalks are icy and they don't plow in the neighborhoods ever, just the main busy roads. So, we'll see what I can come up with for something to do. I think it'll be crocheting today, we'll see....
Also, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of months ago. At the time, I thought it was just about the oddest thing in the world. I have no family history that I know of, and had never had high blood pressure before. I came up with the theory that it was probably caused by the change in elevation. I lived in the midwest and CA before moving to the mile high elevation of Colorado. This, I'm finding out, is also not true. My blood pressure was averaging 145/95, to estimate. The highest reading I took on my own was on December 15, it was 158/109. Kinda scary. I was sufferring from excrutiating headaches and dizzy spells regulary. After 7 days of not smoking, my blood pressure is on it's was back to normal. Yesterday I got a reading of 144/120, and today it's down to 138/109. Aaaah, much better!
While this news makes me very happy, the urge to smoke is not gone. I am still struggling with it every single day so far. Especially when my husband has the day off (today) and I know he has some in his coat pocket. But, I have come to far to cave in now. I don't want to go through this again! My husband has been very supportive, still smoking in the garage and keeping it out of my sight. I am thankful for that, it definetely helps.
After cleaning the house from top to bottom yesterday, I need something to do! My back is hurting from sitting in front of the dang TV so much. I can't go for a walk outside because despite the fact that it's freezing right now, the sidewalks are icy and they don't plow in the neighborhoods ever, just the main busy roads. So, we'll see what I can come up with for something to do. I think it'll be crocheting today, we'll see....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day 6
Strong urges to smoke today. Don't know why today compared to other days. The boredom is getting to me. I have my dog to thank for my actions today. I had gone to bed early last night, and forgot to let the dog out. She was already lying in her bed when I came up to go to slepp, so I thought she would be OK. WRONG! Often, after "daddy" goes to work (we have no kids, so we refer to ourselves as mommy and daddy when it comes to the dog, lol), she'll wake me up my jumping on and then off, and then on, and then off (get the picture?) the bed until I get up. Last night she was trying to do this at about 4 am. I was not even trying to hear that, so I ignored her. Big mistake. I woke up to find our spare bedroom, covered in doggie doodie! OMG, gross. That'll learn me, won't it? Oh ya.
Anyway, I got up and got a shower and then headed over to the in-laws to borrow their carpet shampooer...thank God there was one to borrow! Got back to the house and started to clean the carpet. Then, I thought while I'm at it, I'll get the office (we used to smoke in there) too. OK, making progress, why not do the hallway too? I'm just going like this all day until just now, about 5pm. Every surface in my house has been cleaned. I even did some windows. The house is freaking sparkling! After all this work, I'm not really looking forward to making dinner. But at least I kept myself busy today. Still no smoking, can't hardly believe it. Woohoo! So, thanks Dotty......I think.
My husband on the other hand, is not doing so good. He's to the point where he's like, "Leave me alone, I am doing this in my own way." OK buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night. To me that means, he is smoking, but won't admit that he's failed at this attempt. He's smokes a lot less then usual when he's at home because I don't smoke. And he's been very supportive in going to the garage to do so. So I am thankful for that at least.
I think I'm gonna go plop on the couch for a bit, I'm pooped....literally!
Anyway, I got up and got a shower and then headed over to the in-laws to borrow their carpet shampooer...thank God there was one to borrow! Got back to the house and started to clean the carpet. Then, I thought while I'm at it, I'll get the office (we used to smoke in there) too. OK, making progress, why not do the hallway too? I'm just going like this all day until just now, about 5pm. Every surface in my house has been cleaned. I even did some windows. The house is freaking sparkling! After all this work, I'm not really looking forward to making dinner. But at least I kept myself busy today. Still no smoking, can't hardly believe it. Woohoo! So, thanks Dotty......I think.
My husband on the other hand, is not doing so good. He's to the point where he's like, "Leave me alone, I am doing this in my own way." OK buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night. To me that means, he is smoking, but won't admit that he's failed at this attempt. He's smokes a lot less then usual when he's at home because I don't smoke. And he's been very supportive in going to the garage to do so. So I am thankful for that at least.
I think I'm gonna go plop on the couch for a bit, I'm pooped....literally!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My first exposure since quitting...
Day 4, I mislabeled my last entry, today is actually day 4 being smoke-free.
Well, I am still craving cigarettes, and I am told that will never go away. I wasn't tempted to the point of smoking, but the urge is still there. What do I expect, though? It's day 4. I just hope the urges get weaker as time goes on.
I was around my first smoker today. The in-laws came over and my father in law smokes like a chimney. Before, I was all too happy to join him, but now I had to keep my distance. We went to a store, all together in the same car. And I could tell he made an effort not to smoke on the way there. I didn't say anything, because he is one of these guys that would deny not smoking for someone else, and then light up. So, I counted my blessings and kept quiet.
All in all, a pretty non-eventful day. But, I am bored out of my mind! I'm in between classes at school. Glad they'll be starting up agian soon. In the past I have used crocheting as a way to keep my hands busy when trying to quit smoking. I think I am resisting getting back into it, on an obsession-like level as my sole distractor from smoking, because it did not work before. And I feel that if I "go there", history is doomed to repeat itself in the form of failure to quit. What's the definition of insanity? Doing something the same way and expecting a different result. So, I don't want to do that. I am having a hard time finding stuff to do. This makes me realize how much of my time was wasted smoking. Just smoking. Just puff-puff-puffing away. Really, what a waste. But now, I need stuff to do.
I've been trying the routine of cooking more, which until recently, I did not do at all. And while, that is fun, being in the kitchen all day is getting monotanus, too. Cleaning? I have to do that whether I choose to smoke or not. I need a new hobby, something different. Hey, a job would be nice! Believe me, I have been trying for a long time with no luck.
OMG, that's so funny, I just paused and looked down at the desk for "my cigarettes" (that no longer exist). Haha, it'll take a while to break that habbit, too I guess. It's just so automatic.
Well, I am still craving cigarettes, and I am told that will never go away. I wasn't tempted to the point of smoking, but the urge is still there. What do I expect, though? It's day 4. I just hope the urges get weaker as time goes on.
I was around my first smoker today. The in-laws came over and my father in law smokes like a chimney. Before, I was all too happy to join him, but now I had to keep my distance. We went to a store, all together in the same car. And I could tell he made an effort not to smoke on the way there. I didn't say anything, because he is one of these guys that would deny not smoking for someone else, and then light up. So, I counted my blessings and kept quiet.
All in all, a pretty non-eventful day. But, I am bored out of my mind! I'm in between classes at school. Glad they'll be starting up agian soon. In the past I have used crocheting as a way to keep my hands busy when trying to quit smoking. I think I am resisting getting back into it, on an obsession-like level as my sole distractor from smoking, because it did not work before. And I feel that if I "go there", history is doomed to repeat itself in the form of failure to quit. What's the definition of insanity? Doing something the same way and expecting a different result. So, I don't want to do that. I am having a hard time finding stuff to do. This makes me realize how much of my time was wasted smoking. Just smoking. Just puff-puff-puffing away. Really, what a waste. But now, I need stuff to do.
I've been trying the routine of cooking more, which until recently, I did not do at all. And while, that is fun, being in the kitchen all day is getting monotanus, too. Cleaning? I have to do that whether I choose to smoke or not. I need a new hobby, something different. Hey, a job would be nice! Believe me, I have been trying for a long time with no luck.
OMG, that's so funny, I just paused and looked down at the desk for "my cigarettes" (that no longer exist). Haha, it'll take a while to break that habbit, too I guess. It's just so automatic.
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