End of Day 7...It's calling my name.

Tell it to shut up!  Tell it to go away! Tell it I don't need it or want it anymore!
One thing, and one thing only is saving me from lighting up tonight.  My husband's words of encouragement.  Right before he went to bed, he told me he is proud of me.  Now, he always says the casual "I love you"'s, and I know that he means it.  But, to be honest, when you hear the same words over and over agian, be they positive or negative words, they lose their meaning over time.  Not that I beleive my husband loves me any less with each time he says those words, they just lose their impact to a degree.  Anyway, besides saying "I love you", kindness and gratitude does not come easy to my husband. His father is a navy man, and I beleive as a result, emotion and kindness came to equate with weakness in his family.  We all have our own baggage, right?  So, him telling me he was proud of me tonight is replaying in my mind as I tell the cigarette demons to shut the hell up.
Why does this have to be so hard, this quitting stuff? I know it's good for my health.  But in the grand scheme of things, in my own psychology I think, am I really worth it?  It's not like I'm pregnant.  I wouldn't be hurting anyone except myself, right?  Wrong. I know, logically, that's wrong.
Another "Dog-ism" comes to mind (my fav TV show). Your actions not only effect yourself, but the family that cares for you.  Everytime you do something stupid that effect you negatively, you're not only letting yourself down, you let everyone that cares for you down also. You think you would only hurt yourself?  You would hurt your mother, who's been pulling for you to quit smoking for years.  She doesn't want to have her child go out the same way her mother did.  Although, this would be an excellent way to show her that she can't control everything, this is not the way to do so.  You would let your father down.  I don't suppose I'll ever know exactly what my father thinks of me and my decisions, but he's always full of the obligatory parental encouragement.  I wish I knew him better, I would love to crawl around in his head for a week. I wish he would read this and know that this concept applies to him also.  I know it's hard, we all have our battles to fight.  But if I can quit smoking, he can take care of his diabetes the way he should. But I digress.  Then there's my sister, who I know reads this.  She's probably the only one, but I don't care.  I'm not here to gain an audience.  I would like to show my little sister that I'm not as flighty, weak, out of control, as I may appear or have appeared in the past, to be.  I would like to do something that she can be proud of.

I have often felt, that because of mental health isuues I have had in the past (and still deal with today) that our roles as older and younger sister are reversed.  I feel that being bi-polar has taken away any ability to be the leader, the example.  While she did quit smoking many years ago when she bacme pregnant with her first son, I feel that this is an opportunity for me to show that I am capable of something great also.  Something to be looked up to for.  Some may say, woopidy-doo, you quit smoking, big deal.  But, to me it is.  And so far, this is the hardest thing I've ever inflicted upon myself to do.  Seriously, this is freaking hard, people!

....and I know there's a cigarette butt sitting in the garage right now with a few good drags left on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!  This is driving me nuts.  OK, I know smoking does not cure boredom.  Smoking doesn't do anything good.  I don't wanna go back to hitting the inhaler.  I don't want my blood pressure to go up again.  I should really be in bed anyways.  I don't know how this night will end.