I've often heard people say that after a time of not smoking, that they'll have a dream that they did. Well, my turn for this was a few days ago. On a side note, I've noticed that the dreams I have had since quitting are much more vivd and seem like they really happened. I don't remember the entirety of the dream, but I remember that in the dream I smoked. When I woke up, I was never more thankful that is was a dream! But before being fully concious enough to realize that I was, in fact, dreaming, I felt so horribly guilty for smoking. I was worried about all the people I let down. But more then that, I was afraid. Afraid that I would never escape an addicition that I had so greatly underestimated. I'm not kidding, this nicotine is a beast, pure and simple.
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 19...Crappy week, but I'm still smoke-free!
I knew I would feel bad after I did it, but I couldn't help myself. I put my husband "on blast", as the youngins say, all over my wall on facebook. My husband and I had a big argument a few days ago about money. Long story short, he made me feel like crap because I am still not contributing anything, financially, to the household. So he made the declaration that because he earns what's coming in, he has authority over everything done with it. BS, right? That's how I felt. How dare he make such a statement after all that I do for him! I pick up the man's socks and underwear, do the laundry, clean the house, take care of the animals we have, I even pack him a dang lunch for work most days! All of the things I do, I do because I love him, I support him, and I respect and appreciate that he is the one working right now. And as long as I cannot find a job, I figure this is my way of showing him that I appreciate him. With that said, I have needs also. I'm not talking romantically here. I'm talking shampoo and conditioner for Pete's sake! Is that too much to ask for?! I didn't think so. So I was frustrated, upset, and hurt, and I chose to tell the facebook world exactly what I thought of him. By the way, I beleive I have hit rock-bottom...I had to get SUAVE!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
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