Day 8...Minor relapse :(

Well, I caved, I couldn't resist temptation.  I lasted til about 2 in the morning and snuck into the garage to smoke that butt that I knew was sitting there.  Aaaaah! The shame!  The guilt, the disappointment in myself!  I was so wrought with guilt, that I thankfully (I guess), did not enjoy it at all.  A regrettable, dumb relapse.  I probably took about 4 drags all together.  I know exactly what I did wrong....
When I first quit smoking, I had been having serious insomnia.  So I decided that I would start taking off the patch at about 10 pm.  This really helped.....if I went to bed before midnight.  Anything past that put me in the danger zone.  And that's what I let happen last night.  I took the patch off at aout 10, and then proceeded to stay up way too late. Now, I'm not making excuses, I take full responsibilty for my lapse in judgement.  But looking back, these are the reasons I think it happened.  Absolutely powerless over nicotine still.  Hmmm, is there an NA (nicotine annonymous) group out there?  That's like the first step in AA is to admit you're absolutely powerless over your addiction, right?  I have definetely learned not to fool myself into a false sense of control, at least not for a good while yet.  When that patch comes off, it's like first day withdrawals all over again!
Another possible reason I had a retarded moment of judgement last night, was that,as much as I hate to admit it, I have not been taking my usual meds, as I should. I have never been one to want to have to take anything to just be "normal".  So, I periodically still resist that theory to this day.  Again, stupid, I know.  Bi-polar does not just go away...ever. I have made peace with, although as seen through my actions, not entirely, with that fact that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life.  So, right here, right now, I am making a new promise to myself.  I will take my medication as I am supposed to.  What's the worst that could happen?  I'm not scared, been there before.  I know it is more important now than ever that I keep everything in my life as balanced as possible to allow complete focus on my current battle to quit smoking.
It's not over, I'm still fighting....my oponent just got in a cheap shot last night.  Day 8 has been smoke free, and I will continue from there!