9 weeks, 1 day...Down the emotional rabbit hole

Yep, I can feel a good one coming on.  The classic signs are appearing, like feeling it's impossible to get enough sleep no matter how much I do.  I'm always tired. But the past couple of days, I have had to force myself out of bed only because of the threat of getting a nasty back ache if I lay around too much. Lots of "to-do" lists running through my head that I feel is just too much, and I end up getting nothing done.  I don't know where to even start, so I don't do anything.  Easily overwhelmed. Practically living on ice cream at this point, don't forget the magic shell.  I know, gross, right?  That's the crazy part, I know it's gross too, but I can't help myself.  It's like when you observe yourself as a separate person in a dream.  Being bipolar is like that sometimes.  Especially when you're in the downward spiral.  Carving lots of junk food, drinking lots of caffinated beverages in stay awake.  Instaed of raiding my change jar for cigarettes, I'm now raiding it for Red Bulls.

I almost think I should call my husband up at work and warn him that I don't know who he'll come home to.  Loving wife who is happy to see him, or miserable bipolar lady that is pissed that he couldn't even take out the garbage last night (for example).  Just the fact that I experience this flip-flopping of emotional states is enough to drive me crazy on its own.  My poor husband, what the hell does he see in me again?  I don't know how many more years he'll put up with it.  I know that if I wasn't afflicted with any emotional disorder and I was in a relationship with someone that was, I don't think I could hang as long as he has.  But, then again, there is other members of my husband's immediate family that are afflicted with different mental issues, so who knows.

Ugh, even typing about this is making it worse, so I'm going to try and concentrate on some homework.  Unfortunately however,we are studying the reproductive unit for Anatomy & Physiology.  While this class is very interesting to me, this unit is particularly hard.  Don't know if anyone has heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but that is what I have.  I won't get into gruesome details but in essence, eggs that are normally supposed to drop, don't, and can for cysts in the ovaries.  Among the many many psychologically damaging side effects involved with this syndrome, the main one is that I cannot naturally conceive.  It can be done, but not without "help" from the doctor.  I have no insurance, neither does my husband.  That pretty much equals no health care to speak of, unless its a semi-emergency.

Health insurance is actually a main reason that I have decided to get an education.  Better job = health benefits.  However, I am 35 now.  Am I still going to want to try and have kids when I'm like 37?  I know it CAN be done, but I have not yet decided if it SHOULD be done, according to my own moral compass.
I'm leaning towards not wanting to be a mother now, because I do not want to impose, yet alone pass on, any of my disorders to my child.  I'm thinking that maybe it's meant to be that I can't have kids naturally.

But then I think of all the drug-addicted babies born every year, all the babies born to mother's who (in my opinion) do not deserve to be blessed with children. And I think, if they get to be mother's, why can't I?

  What's so great about them compared to me and my faults that allow them that privelege?  I don't know, I am thoroughly confused on this topic.  And just thoroughly confused in general right now.

Ugh! I'm a mess, so I will digress and try to get through the next few days without doing anything stupid.  I'm counting the days until I get my appointment at the Mental Health of Aurora facility on the 7th of April. It's not too far off now.