Day 4: Crack and Back-Stabbing Bitches

Day 4
Still doing pretty good, suprisingly.  I am suprised probably because in past attempts, I have failed miserably, like a crack addict at the sight of a big rock in front of me.  I think it has been "easier" so far because I have been unintentionally isolating myself from other people.  I have not even seen a cigarette until last night, when my husband had the balls to ask me if I wanted to come and talk to him in the garage while he smoked. I said, "Are you f**kin' crazy?! Get the hell away from me with that thing, I don't even want to see it!!"  I knew if I had followed him into the garage, I'd probably being having a cigarette right now also. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself for not caving in, when it would have been so easy.
Right now, my dog is sitting on the couch in the room with me, and I have the door wide open.  I have to say that this is a good feeling also. My dog would never hang out in the office before because of all the smoke.  And I would always insist that the door be shut for the same reason.  I know deep down that the smell does trickle through the rest of the house, but that was my of saying it's OK, I have the door shut. So, the door's wide open, kind of like a metaphor for what lies ahead.  A wide open door to the unknown.  Exciting and terrifying.
People often talk about their cigarettes as being their friend.  As ridiculous as this sounds, I have found it to most certainly be true.  When you stressed, have a smoke, it'll calm you down.  When your happy, have a cigarette with that drink, it'll help you celebrate. When you're bored, have a smoke.  It's something to do.  And so on, and so on.  When I really think about it, cigarettes are more like the back-stabbing bitch you thought was your friend in high school. She'll be all nicey-nice to your face, lending you her shoulder to cry on and confide in.  Then, before you know it, she's telling your business to the world and saying what a loser you really are, giggling the whole time, because she knows you'll be back for more. 
She (tobacco) shows you "kindness" and "comfort", by making you feel safe, almost freezing time, while you have your time with her.  Nothing can get to you, no further drama can effect you at this moment because you are busy smoking.  That's definetley one thing I noticed about smoking, it fools you in a way that I never thought of before.  In my experience, smoking has been kind of a "time-freezer", or a brain-pauser.  Too much is going on?  Step outside an have a smoke.  Family is stressing you out?  Go have a cigarette.  Guess what, all that stuff is still there when you go back inside, duh!  Again, I find myself associating the circumstances of wanting to smoke with wanting to do drugs. 
As you may or may not know, one of my favorite shows is Dog the Bounty Hunter.  He is part American Indian, so I just love the way he talks about spirituality and philosiphizes about life in general.  Anyway, he said something that stuck with me when he was taking a fugitive in for booking.  They were talking about drug use, and he said, "Why do we do drugs?  It's not because we're stressed, it's because we like to get high. The only problem with that is when you get stressed and decide to get high, you are actually ADDING another problem, not taking it away.  Because you get high, you come down, and then guess what?  The stress is still there, AND now you need another hit." The quote is not exact, but that's the gist of it.  That really illustrates the relationship that I had with cigarettes.  It didn't relieve any stress.  By smoking to relieve stress, it only left me dependant on seeking another cigarette. You see what I'm saying here?