So, I've been smoke free for 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm 35 officially now. I always said (to myself) that I wanted to quit by this age. I was out today at the outlet mall. My father-in-law was generous enough to take me out to a certain pricey purse store there and I had my pick of the store. What?! Yes, "Go pick one" he says, "and no looking at price tags! Just pick what you want." I pretty much crapped my pants, but I managed to pick out a gorgeous leather powder blue purse with a matching wallet. Wow, talk about being queen for a day! My family never had much money. And what money we did have, was usually spent towards my mother's interests. At least that's the impression I got. So, ya, this was pretty incredible for me.
Anyway, my point when I started writing is this: after a month of not smoking, I'm noticing my sense of smell is getting better all the time. We were in one store, and I could smell the chocolate shoppe that was next door. I felt like a baby who figured out that they could clap their hands, just fascinated.
I'm starting to allow myself to be around smokers now. Family members have been good about not smoking in the car if I'm riding with them, and I appreciate that. However, I'm still with them when they light up after getting out of the car, so I don't really see how that's helping. I know I could walk away, but I don't really mind the smell. I mean, it's not pleasant, and I think to myself, "I used to inhale stuff that smelled like that?". But, it doesn't make me gag or anything. I was telling my husband, that it's not the smell so much that gets me, but the physical and visual presence of a cigarette that makes me uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to work a bit more at getting comfortable with thesight of cigarettes. It'll come with time though.
I am experiencing the most dreaded drawback of all to quitting smoking...weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can feel it. You just know when you've put on a few. I had a difficult time with another person letting me down, which I posted about in an earlier one. I was supposed to get a treadmill handed down to me and I planned to use it for exercise. That unfortunately fell through. This person has flaked out time and time again when my husband has tried to take him up on the offer. I had my hopes up so high for this, that is was almost all I could think about. Maybe this is the day, maybe this weekend, maybe for my birthday, maybe......never. What a jerk! If this guy only knew (or cared) how much I was let down. I mean especially with this Colorado winter, if it's not freezing, the sidewalks are icy. It just sucks. Meanwhile my husband and I are going to save money, little by little until I can get one. And that one will be brand new, so HA!
Anyway, as you may know from earlier posts, I have bipolar disorder. No, I don't get a little hyper, and a touch of the blues. I get obsessive organizing, shopping sprees (when I have the slightest bit of money), a kind of "Super-woman" way about me. The opposite end is what I have been going though for the past week or so. Uncontrollable crying fits, everything and anything accelerates my misery. This is also why I haven't been blogging for the last couple of weeks. I did not want to embarass myself with rantings of how the world hates me, yadda yadda yadda. Until I had more experience handling this disorder, that's exactly what I used to do. I almost lost a good man to it, too. The man who loved me from top to bottom, inside and out, had enough. He couldn't deal with my self-hatred anymore and he couldn't fix it, so he left. Thankfully, only temporarily.
This time around, however, we were both much better prepared. He handled me like a pro. He kept his distance a bit because #1 he couldn't change what was happening, and #2 he didn't want to be in path of my breakdown. I can't blame him, I would do the same thing. He didn't totally abandon me, but he didn't hang around leisurely either. You know, it's gotta be so hard for someone that has no first-hand experience with a mental disorder. I can't say that I would be able to be as patient as he was/is. His patience with me is one of the major reasons I love him so much. No one is more there for me in terms of that than him.
Worse than merely being around someone with a disorder like bi-polar, is actually having to physically live through it yourself. Can you imagine trying to interact with someone, when you're trying to hold back tears that have no cause? It's torture. It's embarassing. Can you imagine crying, and crying, and crying, not being able to stop, as every misfortunate thing happening in your life speeds through your mind? Can you imagine? Most people can't. Family members are no exception. In my experience, it's one of those "You had to be there" type of things. You will never know unless it happens to you. The words that come out of your mouth are not yours, they're your mind's words, taken over by the disorder. I'm tellin' ya, those people that say "It's all in your head", THEY'RE the crazy ones. There is no controlling a chemical imbalance by sheer will. It's simply impossible.
I've been suffering with this disorder for over 20 years. Thankfully, I have educated myself through therapy, counseling, books, and my own research to recognize if a bad period is approaching. However, I'm still learning how to handle myself in the middle of one. Medication is what's supposed to prevent that. And I'll be the first to admitt that I have never been religious about taking it. More often than not, I do. But I have always held great resentment towards the fact that I have to take medicine just to be OK, like everyone else. What makes everyone else have the natural disposition to be happy or "normal", and I'm here feeling and acting like the psychotic version of chicken little? ("The sky is falling, the sky is falling!") But, a few years ago, I just decided to make peace with it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I simply have a chemical imbalance that alters my mentality and makes life unmanageable unless I take medicine to maintain myself. And that medicine not only benefits me, but those who choose to be around me....God bless 'em all!!
So, I'm fairly confident that I have returned from the "dark side", and hope I stay for a good long time.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 19...#2 Smoking...in my dreams.
I've often heard people say that after a time of not smoking, that they'll have a dream that they did. Well, my turn for this was a few days ago. On a side note, I've noticed that the dreams I have had since quitting are much more vivd and seem like they really happened. I don't remember the entirety of the dream, but I remember that in the dream I smoked. When I woke up, I was never more thankful that is was a dream! But before being fully concious enough to realize that I was, in fact, dreaming, I felt so horribly guilty for smoking. I was worried about all the people I let down. But more then that, I was afraid. Afraid that I would never escape an addicition that I had so greatly underestimated. I'm not kidding, this nicotine is a beast, pure and simple.
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
Day 19...Crappy week, but I'm still smoke-free!
I knew I would feel bad after I did it, but I couldn't help myself. I put my husband "on blast", as the youngins say, all over my wall on facebook. My husband and I had a big argument a few days ago about money. Long story short, he made me feel like crap because I am still not contributing anything, financially, to the household. So he made the declaration that because he earns what's coming in, he has authority over everything done with it. BS, right? That's how I felt. How dare he make such a statement after all that I do for him! I pick up the man's socks and underwear, do the laundry, clean the house, take care of the animals we have, I even pack him a dang lunch for work most days! All of the things I do, I do because I love him, I support him, and I respect and appreciate that he is the one working right now. And as long as I cannot find a job, I figure this is my way of showing him that I appreciate him. With that said, I have needs also. I'm not talking romantically here. I'm talking shampoo and conditioner for Pete's sake! Is that too much to ask for?! I didn't think so. So I was frustrated, upset, and hurt, and I chose to tell the facebook world exactly what I thought of him. By the way, I beleive I have hit rock-bottom...I had to get SUAVE!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 15...#2
Wow, first day back to school since my last class ended. As I said before, this is another hurdle I will have to face as I keep going in my smoke-free life. Really want to have a smoke after completing something. In this case, completing my first class. I must remember, cigarettes are not a celebration or a reward. All they do is take, take, take. They take you away from others as you isolate yourself to smoke. They take your breath away with every puff you take. They slowly take your looks town the tube with every puff as well.
I asked my mother once what cancer was like. She was the one who took care of my Grandmother towards the end of her battle with lung cancer. She said that it was like someone slowly taking your breath away. I didn't coprehend this concept until the last part of my smoking days. I have asthma, and smoking was certainly in the process of doing this to me.
Today, after 2 weeks of not smoking, I walked to the dog park, which is down the street from my house. I wouldn't have even thought of attempting this before because #1, cold weather/air makes my asthma act up and I would be hacking all the way. #2, the road that the park is on is shaped kind of like a 'U', so you're looking at climbing some hills going there and back. I didn't think I could do this without getting out of breath.
Well, guess what? I did it. And better yet, I could breathe! No coughing, no pausing, no inhaler afterwards. Pretty awesome. They say you don't know what you have til it's gone. I say, you don't know what you had until it's gone...and then get it back again. Yes, my muscles are sore, buts that's a light price to pay for breathing like I used to.
I asked my mother once what cancer was like. She was the one who took care of my Grandmother towards the end of her battle with lung cancer. She said that it was like someone slowly taking your breath away. I didn't coprehend this concept until the last part of my smoking days. I have asthma, and smoking was certainly in the process of doing this to me.
Today, after 2 weeks of not smoking, I walked to the dog park, which is down the street from my house. I wouldn't have even thought of attempting this before because #1, cold weather/air makes my asthma act up and I would be hacking all the way. #2, the road that the park is on is shaped kind of like a 'U', so you're looking at climbing some hills going there and back. I didn't think I could do this without getting out of breath.
Well, guess what? I did it. And better yet, I could breathe! No coughing, no pausing, no inhaler afterwards. Pretty awesome. They say you don't know what you have til it's gone. I say, you don't know what you had until it's gone...and then get it back again. Yes, my muscles are sore, buts that's a light price to pay for breathing like I used to.
Day 15...Back to school
So, today's day 15. Made it past the 2 week mark, yay me!
Tonight's my first night back to school as classes start up again. This will be a new challenge, as I used to smoke my way through class (I take online classes), and I would really chimney it up while doing homework.
My biggest challenge with this, is that I won't have that cigarette time for the mental break I need during big projects or tasks, like homework. I have to find something else to do to break up the monotony of things that take a long time. Right now I can't think of anything except for walking around the block. But I'm not gonna do that after dark. I live in a pretty good neighborhood, but a couple of blocks away you might run into trouble. So, that's not happening.
I'm back on the crocheting bandwagon again, got a lot done today. I'm making a blanket for my dad...who lives in California...it can get chilly at night! His birthday is coming up and I have no money. This is all I can think to give. At the very least, he'll use it for padding on his desk chair, or maybe mom will confiscate it and use it for a dog blanket. Whatever.
Tonight's my first night back to school as classes start up again. This will be a new challenge, as I used to smoke my way through class (I take online classes), and I would really chimney it up while doing homework.
My biggest challenge with this, is that I won't have that cigarette time for the mental break I need during big projects or tasks, like homework. I have to find something else to do to break up the monotony of things that take a long time. Right now I can't think of anything except for walking around the block. But I'm not gonna do that after dark. I live in a pretty good neighborhood, but a couple of blocks away you might run into trouble. So, that's not happening.
I'm back on the crocheting bandwagon again, got a lot done today. I'm making a blanket for my dad...who lives in California...it can get chilly at night! His birthday is coming up and I have no money. This is all I can think to give. At the very least, he'll use it for padding on his desk chair, or maybe mom will confiscate it and use it for a dog blanket. Whatever.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wow, Day 13 already?
So, I just checked the calendar, it is actually day 13!! Almost 2 weeks. My first day without cigarettes was January 20. Today is February 1. Counted it on my fingers a few times to be sure I wasn't dreaming. Yep, it's day 13. Crazytown!
So, I've been getting lots of encouragement from family and my facebook "friends", which has been very helpful. But, I need to find some kind of reward for myself. Something that doesn't cost a lot of money either, would be good.
For the past few days, I've been getting these "all of a sudden" urges to smoke. They are the kind that come when I do normal tasks that have always, until this point, been followed with a smoke. Eating breakfast this morning, for example. My brain was telling me, OK, time for a smoke now. It's so weird that these urges are "talking" to me, and that I can recognize them for what they are. I have to literally say to myself in my head, "Wait a second, you don't do that anymore!". And then after a minute or 2 it passes.
I think I am realizing just how much mental strength it takes to not let yourself take even one drag. If only I could have just one. But, like crack... and Pringles, for that matter, that is not the case. Once you pop, you can't stop (lol). So, I must remind myself that just one drag would inevitably lead to me going right back to where I was a mere 13 days ago.
I once had a co-worker years ago at Sears teleservice center in Madison, WI. She was a much older woman, with grandkids and all that. She was what you would call a hard-ass type of woman, a very hard worker, not afraid to get dirty, etc. I can't remember her name...maybe Virginia? Anyways, I asked her once what made her stay quit after years of smoking and then quitting. She said that quitting was so miserable for her, that she never wanted to go through that experience again. I, at that point (age 22 I think) was smoking like a chimney, with no health or other consequences in sight yet. I couldn't possibly comprehend what she was saying...until now.
I'm glad I remebered her words, even if the reason I did was that the concept she spoke of was so foreign to me at that time. Quitting something you love, something you and others identify you with, is miserable. Despite the health consequences, it was something I enjoyed doing very much...to an extent. Smoking gave me instant friends, as well as disguising itself as a friend. It let me be myself, by myself. The veil of smoke protected me, as I hung out in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people. Definetely a crutch.
The hardest part about this whole thing, is just learning to BE. Without any aid, crutch, veil, disguise, or mask.
One thought that has been on my mind lately, is if I'm ever going to be able to have my beloved margarita again. I know I will, but I miss them. How long will it be? I don't know. Maybe I'll attempt one after I am through with the patches. It'll be summer by then, perfect time for a big salty one! So, I guess I can look forward to that.
My in-laws neighbor's downfall was alcohol. She was doing great, and formed a new addiction to blow-pops to satisfy the oral craving. However, a few months in, she went to a concert, got toasted, and smoked. It was downhill from there. She started bumming smokes every now and then, and little by little, slipped back into her old habbits. She is now a smoker, once again. She also started to gain weight. Weight gain was her license, in her mind to go back to it.
I haven't really noticed any weight gain yet. I'm hoping it doesn't come. That would really suck. Especially as I will be entering a job in the medical field. I will be a medical office administrator when I'm done with school. This is one of the many reasons to quit smoking. How could you possibly be a smoker (and overweight) being in a field that is built on health? I would just feel like a fraud if I couldn't get a handle on these things.
While on the subject of health...........screw it, I'm gonna talk about it. (Back story: whenever something really good might happen, if I talk about it, it usually falls through somehow. ) But, this particular thing is taking so long, I don't think it will happen anyway. So, whatever. My husband's co-worker's wife has an old treadmill that she was willing to give to me, for nothing. She always has the latest and greatest, and just got a new one. So, I got my husband to talk his co-worker into letting me have the old one. I want a treadmill so bad I can taste it! I want a treadmill, because that's always been my excercise of choice. Go ooutside, you say? Um ya, notta fan of icy sidewalks, thanks anyway. I am not a gym or a DVD kind of person. A Wii fit would be a dream, but...ya it's a dream. Anyways, this mystery treadmill has yet to show up here. This co-worker also tends to be extremely flakey. He's been invited over 3 times, and has yet to show up, even after saying he's coming. So, I like him, but I don't beleive a word out of his mouth until I see action. Same goes for this treadmill. He's supposed to talk to his neighbor to borrow a truck to get it over here. I told my husband, "Let's just borrow your brother's truck and go get it ourselves!" But no, I'm supposed to be patient and forget about it, because he "has a plan". This has been going on since before Christmas. So, I'm holding out hope that something will magically happen in time for my birthday (February 18), then I give up!! I'll scrape my pennies together myself so I can buy it my damn self. Why do people get you excited, just to let you down? Frustration!!
I love these blog thingees! It's so helpful to just empty your brain into the keyboard!
Update: My father-in-law confirmed that he is, in fact, taking a Chantix-like medication to help him quit smoking. YAY! I'm so happy he's doing this! If he can do it, anyone can!
So, I've been getting lots of encouragement from family and my facebook "friends", which has been very helpful. But, I need to find some kind of reward for myself. Something that doesn't cost a lot of money either, would be good.
For the past few days, I've been getting these "all of a sudden" urges to smoke. They are the kind that come when I do normal tasks that have always, until this point, been followed with a smoke. Eating breakfast this morning, for example. My brain was telling me, OK, time for a smoke now. It's so weird that these urges are "talking" to me, and that I can recognize them for what they are. I have to literally say to myself in my head, "Wait a second, you don't do that anymore!". And then after a minute or 2 it passes.
I think I am realizing just how much mental strength it takes to not let yourself take even one drag. If only I could have just one. But, like crack... and Pringles, for that matter, that is not the case. Once you pop, you can't stop (lol). So, I must remind myself that just one drag would inevitably lead to me going right back to where I was a mere 13 days ago.
I once had a co-worker years ago at Sears teleservice center in Madison, WI. She was a much older woman, with grandkids and all that. She was what you would call a hard-ass type of woman, a very hard worker, not afraid to get dirty, etc. I can't remember her name...maybe Virginia? Anyways, I asked her once what made her stay quit after years of smoking and then quitting. She said that quitting was so miserable for her, that she never wanted to go through that experience again. I, at that point (age 22 I think) was smoking like a chimney, with no health or other consequences in sight yet. I couldn't possibly comprehend what she was saying...until now.
I'm glad I remebered her words, even if the reason I did was that the concept she spoke of was so foreign to me at that time. Quitting something you love, something you and others identify you with, is miserable. Despite the health consequences, it was something I enjoyed doing very much...to an extent. Smoking gave me instant friends, as well as disguising itself as a friend. It let me be myself, by myself. The veil of smoke protected me, as I hung out in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people. Definetely a crutch.
The hardest part about this whole thing, is just learning to BE. Without any aid, crutch, veil, disguise, or mask.
One thought that has been on my mind lately, is if I'm ever going to be able to have my beloved margarita again. I know I will, but I miss them. How long will it be? I don't know. Maybe I'll attempt one after I am through with the patches. It'll be summer by then, perfect time for a big salty one! So, I guess I can look forward to that.
My in-laws neighbor's downfall was alcohol. She was doing great, and formed a new addiction to blow-pops to satisfy the oral craving. However, a few months in, she went to a concert, got toasted, and smoked. It was downhill from there. She started bumming smokes every now and then, and little by little, slipped back into her old habbits. She is now a smoker, once again. She also started to gain weight. Weight gain was her license, in her mind to go back to it.
I haven't really noticed any weight gain yet. I'm hoping it doesn't come. That would really suck. Especially as I will be entering a job in the medical field. I will be a medical office administrator when I'm done with school. This is one of the many reasons to quit smoking. How could you possibly be a smoker (and overweight) being in a field that is built on health? I would just feel like a fraud if I couldn't get a handle on these things.
While on the subject of health...........screw it, I'm gonna talk about it. (Back story: whenever something really good might happen, if I talk about it, it usually falls through somehow. ) But, this particular thing is taking so long, I don't think it will happen anyway. So, whatever. My husband's co-worker's wife has an old treadmill that she was willing to give to me, for nothing. She always has the latest and greatest, and just got a new one. So, I got my husband to talk his co-worker into letting me have the old one. I want a treadmill so bad I can taste it! I want a treadmill, because that's always been my excercise of choice. Go ooutside, you say? Um ya, notta fan of icy sidewalks, thanks anyway. I am not a gym or a DVD kind of person. A Wii fit would be a dream, but...ya it's a dream. Anyways, this mystery treadmill has yet to show up here. This co-worker also tends to be extremely flakey. He's been invited over 3 times, and has yet to show up, even after saying he's coming. So, I like him, but I don't beleive a word out of his mouth until I see action. Same goes for this treadmill. He's supposed to talk to his neighbor to borrow a truck to get it over here. I told my husband, "Let's just borrow your brother's truck and go get it ourselves!" But no, I'm supposed to be patient and forget about it, because he "has a plan". This has been going on since before Christmas. So, I'm holding out hope that something will magically happen in time for my birthday (February 18), then I give up!! I'll scrape my pennies together myself so I can buy it my damn self. Why do people get you excited, just to let you down? Frustration!!
I love these blog thingees! It's so helpful to just empty your brain into the keyboard!
Update: My father-in-law confirmed that he is, in fact, taking a Chantix-like medication to help him quit smoking. YAY! I'm so happy he's doing this! If he can do it, anyone can!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day 9, Part 2
Ok, so I've come down from my manic energy surge this morning. No depression yet....but it's on it's way. Hopefully I can get enough cycles of medication in me before it hits. That would be great. Here's to hoping!
Anyway, I felt the need to write again today. And as my invisible audience, you'll all just have to deal with it.
I am starting to experience the freedom that not smoking is giving me, and I must say I like it. I was on the couch thinking, I really should go make the bed (put new sheets on). And then, guess what? I just got up and did it. Now this may seem quite normal for a non smoker. But for a smoker, everything, every activity is ruled by cigarettes. Normally, I would think about actually putting those clean sheets on the bed with a cigarette, and then actually do it. I needed a cigarette to think about the action of doing just about everything. Dishes need doing? Oh, I'll do them, but I "need" a cigarette first. Hell, I sometimes couldn't even leave a room if I wanted to because I was in the middle of a cigarette. You see what I'm saying here? I made myself a slave, and/or prisoner (take your pick) to something that would eventually kill me. How dumb is that?
So, I just wanted to share my newfound freedom, that I didn't even know was there for the taking. Awesome!
I just heard through the family grapevine, that my father-in-law, the chimney of the family, is now taking "something from the doctor that allows him to smoke while he builds up the gumption to quit". Sounds like Chantix to me. This has not been validated, only a rumor at this point. But, wow, wouldn't that be awesome?! Of course, if it's true, I would have to take just a little credit for inspiring him to do so. Even if it's true, it would never be admitted to, but I can think whatever I want, right? Ha!
Anyway, I felt the need to write again today. And as my invisible audience, you'll all just have to deal with it.
I am starting to experience the freedom that not smoking is giving me, and I must say I like it. I was on the couch thinking, I really should go make the bed (put new sheets on). And then, guess what? I just got up and did it. Now this may seem quite normal for a non smoker. But for a smoker, everything, every activity is ruled by cigarettes. Normally, I would think about actually putting those clean sheets on the bed with a cigarette, and then actually do it. I needed a cigarette to think about the action of doing just about everything. Dishes need doing? Oh, I'll do them, but I "need" a cigarette first. Hell, I sometimes couldn't even leave a room if I wanted to because I was in the middle of a cigarette. You see what I'm saying here? I made myself a slave, and/or prisoner (take your pick) to something that would eventually kill me. How dumb is that?
So, I just wanted to share my newfound freedom, that I didn't even know was there for the taking. Awesome!
I just heard through the family grapevine, that my father-in-law, the chimney of the family, is now taking "something from the doctor that allows him to smoke while he builds up the gumption to quit". Sounds like Chantix to me. This has not been validated, only a rumor at this point. But, wow, wouldn't that be awesome?! Of course, if it's true, I would have to take just a little credit for inspiring him to do so. Even if it's true, it would never be admitted to, but I can think whatever I want, right? Ha!
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