9 weeks, 1 day...Down the emotional rabbit hole

Yep, I can feel a good one coming on.  The classic signs are appearing, like feeling it's impossible to get enough sleep no matter how much I do.  I'm always tired. But the past couple of days, I have had to force myself out of bed only because of the threat of getting a nasty back ache if I lay around too much. Lots of "to-do" lists running through my head that I feel is just too much, and I end up getting nothing done.  I don't know where to even start, so I don't do anything.  Easily overwhelmed. Practically living on ice cream at this point, don't forget the magic shell.  I know, gross, right?  That's the crazy part, I know it's gross too, but I can't help myself.  It's like when you observe yourself as a separate person in a dream.  Being bipolar is like that sometimes.  Especially when you're in the downward spiral.  Carving lots of junk food, drinking lots of caffinated beverages in stay awake.  Instaed of raiding my change jar for cigarettes, I'm now raiding it for Red Bulls.

I almost think I should call my husband up at work and warn him that I don't know who he'll come home to.  Loving wife who is happy to see him, or miserable bipolar lady that is pissed that he couldn't even take out the garbage last night (for example).  Just the fact that I experience this flip-flopping of emotional states is enough to drive me crazy on its own.  My poor husband, what the hell does he see in me again?  I don't know how many more years he'll put up with it.  I know that if I wasn't afflicted with any emotional disorder and I was in a relationship with someone that was, I don't think I could hang as long as he has.  But, then again, there is other members of my husband's immediate family that are afflicted with different mental issues, so who knows.

Ugh, even typing about this is making it worse, so I'm going to try and concentrate on some homework.  Unfortunately however,we are studying the reproductive unit for Anatomy & Physiology.  While this class is very interesting to me, this unit is particularly hard.  Don't know if anyone has heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but that is what I have.  I won't get into gruesome details but in essence, eggs that are normally supposed to drop, don't, and can for cysts in the ovaries.  Among the many many psychologically damaging side effects involved with this syndrome, the main one is that I cannot naturally conceive.  It can be done, but not without "help" from the doctor.  I have no insurance, neither does my husband.  That pretty much equals no health care to speak of, unless its a semi-emergency.

Health insurance is actually a main reason that I have decided to get an education.  Better job = health benefits.  However, I am 35 now.  Am I still going to want to try and have kids when I'm like 37?  I know it CAN be done, but I have not yet decided if it SHOULD be done, according to my own moral compass.
I'm leaning towards not wanting to be a mother now, because I do not want to impose, yet alone pass on, any of my disorders to my child.  I'm thinking that maybe it's meant to be that I can't have kids naturally.

But then I think of all the drug-addicted babies born every year, all the babies born to mother's who (in my opinion) do not deserve to be blessed with children. And I think, if they get to be mother's, why can't I?

  What's so great about them compared to me and my faults that allow them that privelege?  I don't know, I am thoroughly confused on this topic.  And just thoroughly confused in general right now.

Ugh! I'm a mess, so I will digress and try to get through the next few days without doing anything stupid.  I'm counting the days until I get my appointment at the Mental Health of Aurora facility on the 7th of April. It's not too far off now.

8 weeks and 4 days...Throw a dog a bone, would ya?!

For those of you who may be new readers to this blog, the time frame listed in the title is the amount of time since I quit smoking.  I am almost at my personal best record of about 3 months in 1998.  I don't know what I'll do to reward myself if I surpass that.  All I can say is that it will feel pretty awesome!......a new pair of walking shoes would be nice.

Anyway, I am now here at my in-law's house.  Kind of babysitting in a way, I suppose.  My father-in-law, who will give you the shirt off his back if you ask for it, just went through heart surgery.  Out of 8 possible arteries they could have bypassed, he had to have 5 of them rerouted.  He was in bad shape, having dizzy spells all the time, and other symptoms of compromised circulation because of his heart.  He was also, at one point, a 2 pack a day smoker.  He smoked for about 40 years he says.  Can you imagine breaking a habit you enjoy, after having done it for 40 years?  I smoked for 20 years, and cannot imagine what he must be going through on top of recovering from cardiac surgery.

He was basically told, when he was admitted, that he was no longer a smoker.  This is the part that worries me.  See, my father-in-law is one of those types of people that absolutely hate to be told what to do, whether or not it is the right thing to do, is irrelevant.  So, even though he was in the process of planning to quit smoking before the surgery by taking Zyban, I worry that he'll insist on quitting on his own terms, and try to have "just one more" because that is what he decides, only for the reason of having control over his circumstances. This remains to be seen.  So far he is doing great as far as I can tell.  He is, of course, noticably weaker and looking older.  He is still on an oxygen tank for the time being, but this should be temporary.

Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, I will be the one to chauffer him to his rehabilitation and physical therapy appointments.  I do not mind doing this at all, but the reason I have been nominated is because I do not have a job to speak of.  Unemployment; a blessing in disguise?  I don't know.
I want to be able to contribute to my own household, but on the same note, I feel it is my duty to be there for the person who made me able to have a house at all.  You see, my in-laws are gracious enough to believe the analogy that "you can't take it with you" when you die.  So they have made it possible for both of their sons to be home owners.  Wow, right? This of course, has benefitted me as well, among other things they have done for us.  So, in that sense, I am almost glad to be working so I can be there when they need help, which is pretty much never.  If I can help them out in any way shape or form I will.  My help, in whatever form, is all I have to offer them for the generosity the have shown my husband and I.

Baggage drop-off

I am posting this because the link in my previous post di not work.  This is basically an interaction I had between an ex who gave me lots of baggage.  I despised him for years, and thought that deep down when it came down to the wire, that all men would behave towards me in the way I was treated by this guy.

Fortunately, I am happily married t a man that has seen me through more "issues" than I care to mention at the moment, and has put guys like this ex to shame.  Anyways,read on...

Copied from Facebook...
Amanda Yeske Tubo March 12 at 2:31pm


Kevin,



Well, here you are, right in front of me on my screen. If you only had a clue of the emotions that are going through me right now.


Honestly. I'd be suprised if you have more than a vague remembrance of me....you know....your first "wife".


I've been in the habbit lately of getting things of my chest to everyone I have been holding back on, and guess where you are on that list? Numero uno, buddy....for YEARS!


The very last time I physically saw you, I was still living in WI. I was the manager, at the time, of the Cost Cutters in Middleton and you came in. You were with some woman, whom I wondered if you even told you were previously married...probably not. You guys came up in a minivan and a few kids, so I assumed that this was your current wife and those were your kids. I was the one up front who actually cut the woman's hair that you came in with.


Were you such an unbelievable lush when we were together that you didn't even recognize me later on at the hair salon? Or were you hoping I wouldn't remember you? Oh boy have I tried to block the memory of that time, but it's burned into my barin. The way I fell for your charm, the way you begged to "be together" the first night we hooked up. The way you asked me to marry you in the parking lot of an army recruiter's office (in order to get paid more once you joined). Oh ya, I remember all of it.

I remember living with you at your parents house for a while and then being asked to leave. You probably finally admitted to your parents the real reason you asked me to marry you, and then had them do your dirty work for you. Classy.

I remember the farm house in Stoughton, and leaving my job to make a life with you there. Then I remember going for a beer run in the Firebird (which is still on my credit report, by the way), which I was rarely "allowed" to drive, and coming back to that farm house to find find you and some gullable tramp behind a locked bedroom door. Yep, I remember all of it.

I hope that you've at least attempted to grow up since then, and develop some form of remorse for what you did to me. However, I believe in karma, and I know that what goes around comes around.

I can also say that I forgive you for that time, only because without those experiences I wouldn't be where I am now. Which is happily married to an honest man who is there for me when I need him the most.

Peace & Karma to you,

Amanda

His response...

Kevin  March 12 at 2:48pm Report

Wow!!! Finally an chance for a sincere apology . Thank you for writing me. That was my wife and she went through the same hell you did with me , but for 8 years. Yes , I told her long before we saw you that I was married to you. I also told her when we left that day that Amanda Yeske cut her hair. She was not bothered.

Amanda , as you know , I was for a long time a very selfish , self centered BASTARD . I was not happy being Kevin Rundle and I took it out on you and others. For that I am sorry. I have grown up since then. I have had four children. My kids deserve and have received an honest , hardworking , caring father . I know know how much my " ways " hurt those around me.

Believe it or not I still have our wedding pictures. I cared about you Amanda , but I wasn't capable of Love because I didn't even love myself. I will always remember you and that day . It's not something I'm trying to forget. All the decisions I've made have helped me to be the Man I am today.

Congratulations on your marriage & thank you for this. It's helped me grow even more.



Kevin


Amanda Yeske Tubo March 12 at 5:30pm

Well I've been waiting many years to say my piece to you. So I guess this has been good for both of us.

Peace,

Amanda

Sent via Facebook Mobile Kevin Rundle March 12 at 6:00pm Report

Yup , take care
 
 
Scandalous bastard, wasn't he? Although I do appreciate his apology, I do secretly hope that his second marriage was at least slightly as miserable for him as he made my first one.  There is definetely something to be said for closure.  I feel a heck of a lot better that I have no doubt in my mind that he is fully aware of how I felt about what I went through as a result of choosing to be with him.
 
A note to other girls in similar situations...learn from my mistakes.  Listen to your gut, and don't be swayed by another because of the reward of what promises lay ahead. You knw just as much about the future as he ever will...nothing.  In the famous words of Flavor Flav (I think)..."Don't believe the hype!"

Hmmm...really?

First of all, thank you to everyone who commentd, I do appreciate your input.  You all are pretty much in agreement that I am over reacting to my sister's decision to move to Hawaii in pursuit of religious happiness and fulfillment.  So, maybe you all are right.  Maybe I should just be happy that she is deciding to drop everything and pursue some state of happiness that she is unable to find here.  Maybe I should be happy that she chooses to ditch personal relationships to gain a better one with a spiritual element.  Yes, maybe, but right now, I am unable to do so.  I know that with time, I will make peace with the fact that she is going and has personal motivations that I will never understand. But right now, I'm still not happy about it. Whatever, follow your bliss, tra-la-la-la....and all that crap.

In a similar vein,of getting things off my chest, I found a "blast from the past" on facebook.  I found that "man" I mistakenly married when I was a mere 19 years old.  I was completely floored to see his picture up there on the screen.  Not nearly as handsome as he was when I knew him.  Now he looked weathered, his face was all reddened and thinned out.  I assume this is a result of years of abusing alcohol, as he was most definetely persuing that path when he got together with me, and I know he had a family history with it also. 
At that time, we were both unstable people, and got married after knowing each other only 3 weeks.  I later found out that he had only asked me to marry him in order to get paid more once he joined the army.  None of which was ever sent back home to me. But I'm sure he had all the drinks that him, his buddies, and the tramps hanging out with them could handle.
Anyway, to make a very long story short, I wrote to him to get off of my chest all the anger and resentment I've been holding onto over the years. I was expecting a very different response then the one I got.  I'm going to attempt to post a link so you can read it if you chose.
Baggage handler's response to baggage...

This has been a crazy time for me lately, lots of emotional activity.  Sister's moving away, I talk to a guy that gave me lots of baggage, and my father-in-law is in the hospital.  A lot to handle, but I'm trying to keep it at the "One day at a time" level.  Wish me luck.

Emotional Exhaustion...Put on your glasses, this is a long one!

Oh boy, I am really emotionally drained.  I have been going through a lot of turmoil in these past few weeks.  First of all, the greatest stressor has been to keep away from cigarettes amidst all this other stuff happening around me.  That, by itself, is immensley difficult.  But, on top of that, I had a complete emotional/mental breakdown as a result of my bi-polar episode spinning out of control. I don't know why, it simply just happened.  That's perhaps the most frustrating thing about having the disorder, is that it's completely out of your control.  Anyway, in the middle of that breakdown, I found out that my sister will most likely be moving away......to Hawaii. 

I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write.  I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement.  But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head.  But, I can talk about how it will affect me.

Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close.  Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening.  As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls.  But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house.  Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family.  Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice.  Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that.  But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.

When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier.  I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life.  I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding.  I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me.  How could he be though, he didn't know me.  If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything.  I know that it can't be all perfect.  Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life.  Still sad, none the less.

 So,  couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that.  One word: BORING!!  We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though.  That teeny town had 5 bars!!  Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin.  But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet.  It was just a really crappy couple of years.

My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado.  His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great.  At least we would have some family around.  Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs!  A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be.  How cool is that?!  I was totally excited.  We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis.  I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me.  I would be an aunt, in practice.  I was happy about this news, for sure.

Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood".  Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house.  This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away.  No big deal, still doable.  The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma!  But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible.  They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that.  And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol.  I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that.  Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices.  You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.

However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently.  They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area.  I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too.  I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have.  Is it the $7 a gallon for milk?  Is it humidity and bugs?  Is it not knowing anyone and starting over?  I know they know one person, but that's it.

My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state?  My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want.  Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there?  I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years?  I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.

Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons.  I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person).  Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three.  They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines.  You know what I mean?  No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations".  Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house.  My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me.  I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen.  I'll probably never throw it away.  And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.

  You can't get that in mail or over the phone.

I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.

Collages

I started making collages again. However, the one I made last night was in the form of "flair", on facebook.

My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.


Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.

This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...



Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...

No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...

Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!

Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!

6 weeks, 5 days...Gettin' close to 2 months!

Never, never, never in a million years did I think I would be able to make it this far.  I even made it through a nasty episode with bipolar and didn't smoke.  That's an accomplishment for sure.  My personal best stretch of time that I've ever been able to quit smoking is somewhere between 3 and 4 months.  This was back in 1998.  I rememeber it because of the place I worked at the time.  It was my first job out of beauty school, and this is also the time when I met my husband.  So ya, not an easily forgetable time.  Anyway, I have no idea what made me go back to it......oh ya, everyone I knew outside of work and parents smoked!!  I was doomed before I even started.  At 22, I was nowhere near mentally oe emotionally strong enough to truly believe that I had to do this for myself, and that my self was worth it.  I couldn't imagine the long term risks in any kind of reality.  My Mom always said that I had to learn things the hard way.  And that's exactly what I did.  I didn't really know that I had to quit until my health started to suffer in obvious and serious ways (to me).  Inhaler "hits" numerous times a day, and complications of high blood pressure are what did it for me.  If you're blood pressure's too high, you could have a stroke. And if you let high blood pressure go for long enough, you can replace "could" in the previous sentence with "will". If you can't breathe, well, you know what happens.  So, those were big enough reasons for me to actually do it this time.