First of all, thank you to everyone who commentd, I do appreciate your input. You all are pretty much in agreement that I am over reacting to my sister's decision to move to Hawaii in pursuit of religious happiness and fulfillment. So, maybe you all are right. Maybe I should just be happy that she is deciding to drop everything and pursue some state of happiness that she is unable to find here. Maybe I should be happy that she chooses to ditch personal relationships to gain a better one with a spiritual element. Yes, maybe, but right now, I am unable to do so. I know that with time, I will make peace with the fact that she is going and has personal motivations that I will never understand. But right now, I'm still not happy about it. Whatever, follow your bliss, tra-la-la-la....and all that crap.
In a similar vein,of getting things off my chest, I found a "blast from the past" on facebook. I found that "man" I mistakenly married when I was a mere 19 years old. I was completely floored to see his picture up there on the screen. Not nearly as handsome as he was when I knew him. Now he looked weathered, his face was all reddened and thinned out. I assume this is a result of years of abusing alcohol, as he was most definetely persuing that path when he got together with me, and I know he had a family history with it also.
At that time, we were both unstable people, and got married after knowing each other only 3 weeks. I later found out that he had only asked me to marry him in order to get paid more once he joined the army. None of which was ever sent back home to me. But I'm sure he had all the drinks that him, his buddies, and the tramps hanging out with them could handle.
Anyway, to make a very long story short, I wrote to him to get off of my chest all the anger and resentment I've been holding onto over the years. I was expecting a very different response then the one I got. I'm going to attempt to post a link so you can read it if you chose.
Baggage handler's response to baggage...
This has been a crazy time for me lately, lots of emotional activity. Sister's moving away, I talk to a guy that gave me lots of baggage, and my father-in-law is in the hospital. A lot to handle, but I'm trying to keep it at the "One day at a time" level. Wish me luck.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Emotional Exhaustion...Put on your glasses, this is a long one!
Oh boy, I am really emotionally drained. I have been going through a lot of turmoil in these past few weeks. First of all, the greatest stressor has been to keep away from cigarettes amidst all this other stuff happening around me. That, by itself, is immensley difficult. But, on top of that, I had a complete emotional/mental breakdown as a result of my bi-polar episode spinning out of control. I don't know why, it simply just happened. That's perhaps the most frustrating thing about having the disorder, is that it's completely out of your control. Anyway, in the middle of that breakdown, I found out that my sister will most likely be moving away......to Hawaii.
I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write. I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement. But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head. But, I can talk about how it will affect me.
Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close. Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening. As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls. But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house. Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family. Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice. Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that. But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.
When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier. I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life. I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding. I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me. How could he be though, he didn't know me. If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I know that it can't be all perfect. Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life. Still sad, none the less.
So, couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that. One word: BORING!! We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though. That teeny town had 5 bars!! Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin. But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet. It was just a really crappy couple of years.
My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado. His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great. At least we would have some family around. Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs! A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be. How cool is that?! I was totally excited. We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis. I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me. I would be an aunt, in practice. I was happy about this news, for sure.
Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood". Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house. This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away. No big deal, still doable. The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma! But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible. They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that. And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol. I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that. Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices. You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.
However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently. They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area. I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too. I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have. Is it the $7 a gallon for milk? Is it humidity and bugs? Is it not knowing anyone and starting over? I know they know one person, but that's it.
My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state? My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want. Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there? I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years? I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.
Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons. I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person). Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three. They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines. You know what I mean? No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations". Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house. My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me. I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen. I'll probably never throw it away. And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.
You can't get that in mail or over the phone.
I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.
I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write. I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement. But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head. But, I can talk about how it will affect me.
Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close. Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening. As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls. But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house. Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family. Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice. Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that. But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.
When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier. I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life. I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding. I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me. How could he be though, he didn't know me. If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I know that it can't be all perfect. Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life. Still sad, none the less.
So, couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that. One word: BORING!! We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though. That teeny town had 5 bars!! Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin. But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet. It was just a really crappy couple of years.
My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado. His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great. At least we would have some family around. Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs! A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be. How cool is that?! I was totally excited. We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis. I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me. I would be an aunt, in practice. I was happy about this news, for sure.
Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood". Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house. This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away. No big deal, still doable. The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma! But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible. They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that. And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol. I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that. Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices. You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.
However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently. They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area. I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too. I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have. Is it the $7 a gallon for milk? Is it humidity and bugs? Is it not knowing anyone and starting over? I know they know one person, but that's it.
My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state? My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want. Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there? I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years? I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.
Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons. I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person). Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three. They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines. You know what I mean? No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations". Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house. My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me. I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen. I'll probably never throw it away. And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.
You can't get that in mail or over the phone.
I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Collages
I started making collages again. However, the one I made last night was in the form of "flair", on facebook.
My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.
Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.
This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...
Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...
No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...
Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!
Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!
My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.
Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.
This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...
Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...
No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...
Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!
Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!
6 weeks, 5 days...Gettin' close to 2 months!
Never, never, never in a million years did I think I would be able to make it this far. I even made it through a nasty episode with bipolar and didn't smoke. That's an accomplishment for sure. My personal best stretch of time that I've ever been able to quit smoking is somewhere between 3 and 4 months. This was back in 1998. I rememeber it because of the place I worked at the time. It was my first job out of beauty school, and this is also the time when I met my husband. So ya, not an easily forgetable time. Anyway, I have no idea what made me go back to it......oh ya, everyone I knew outside of work and parents smoked!! I was doomed before I even started. At 22, I was nowhere near mentally oe emotionally strong enough to truly believe that I had to do this for myself, and that my self was worth it. I couldn't imagine the long term risks in any kind of reality. My Mom always said that I had to learn things the hard way. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't really know that I had to quit until my health started to suffer in obvious and serious ways (to me). Inhaler "hits" numerous times a day, and complications of high blood pressure are what did it for me. If you're blood pressure's too high, you could have a stroke. And if you let high blood pressure go for long enough, you can replace "could" in the previous sentence with "will". If you can't breathe, well, you know what happens. So, those were big enough reasons for me to actually do it this time.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
It's been long enough that I'm losing track of time....quit Jan. 20....
Wow, I've been up to my eyeballs in homework today. And as with any homework, but espeically for school that 100% online, it's A LOT of typing! So, about 2 minutes ago, after typing away for several hours of the day, I shouted downstairs to my husband, ".....I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!!"
OK, you will only find that mildly funny if #1, you know the Pink Floyd song that it references, or #2 you're a Family Guy fan; Stewie also shouts this out after playing a banjo song. And Stewie is only funny if you know the Pink Floyd song......but I digress.
So, what's new? Nothing too exciting to talk about lately. Just doing lots of homework, trying to catch up from my meltdown period when I was almost incapable of bathing because I was so out of it. Now that I've "recovered" from that episode, it almost feels as if it's another person I'm talking about. Chemical imbalances are just bizarre; they can make you think certain ways, do certain things, react to others differently then you would when you are "yourself". Whoever that is, right?
Oh, I do have some good news. I have recently been connected with a mental health facility in my area that works with broke people like myself. I must have made 20 calls to different places. They were all booked, not taking any new patients, didn't work with people from my city, it went on and on. Very discouraging. Even more discouraging when you're in the middle of a meltdown and the sky is falling regardless of these phone calls. But, I've got to hand it to my wonderful mother-in-law, she found me each and every one of those numbers, including the one that finally worked! She really is my second mom, she's great at helping you find your way through just about anything. I'm one of the lucky ones who really like my in-laws. Anyway,I was so relieved and excited when I heard the news that I could "get in" to start some kind of treatment, it was great. I cannot actually see anyone until early April. The appointment I had last week was only pperwork. But the guy at the counter told me not to feel too bad, because all the people I saw in the waiting area weren't getting in until May. Yep, that worked, I didn't feel quite so bad.
On top of this, as a last resort, I contacted the previous doctor I had in Wisconsin to beg and plead with her to give me just one more prescription for the medication I take. When you have a mood or emotional disorder, things can go drastically wrong when you don't have the medicine you need to even out all those chemicals in the noggin, hence the "episode" I recently had. I received the email a few days ago that my merciful former doctor had called in 3 more months worth of medication for me! I just about jumped out of my seat, as I sat in the car, reading the email from my phone. ("....You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes...you might find....you get what you need!") Relief is in sight!
If you or anyone you know may be struggling with bi-polar disorder, I encourage you to check out this link so you can at least know what to look for and what to do about it.
The basics of bi-polar disorder and more...
They say bad things come in three's right? I believe that's true for good things,too. I've had 2, wonder what the third will be......hmmmm.
So, now, I just have to bide my time until that first appointment with a therapist. I do miss therapy, it really does help. I mean, the person who you talk to is trained and PAID to listen to your problems and offer suggestions. Does it get any better? I never understood these people who thought there was something wrong with therapy, I think it's great. But, on the down side, it means that since it's someone I have not seen before, I have to go through the emotional mud as I describe my problems, short-comings, and feelings. Yuck, I hate going to "that place" you know, it a downer, for lack of a better word. But right now, I am optomistic that it'll be a good thing. Can't really get a whole lot worse, right?....Don't answer that, lol.
OK, you will only find that mildly funny if #1, you know the Pink Floyd song that it references, or #2 you're a Family Guy fan; Stewie also shouts this out after playing a banjo song. And Stewie is only funny if you know the Pink Floyd song......but I digress.
So, what's new? Nothing too exciting to talk about lately. Just doing lots of homework, trying to catch up from my meltdown period when I was almost incapable of bathing because I was so out of it. Now that I've "recovered" from that episode, it almost feels as if it's another person I'm talking about. Chemical imbalances are just bizarre; they can make you think certain ways, do certain things, react to others differently then you would when you are "yourself". Whoever that is, right?
Oh, I do have some good news. I have recently been connected with a mental health facility in my area that works with broke people like myself. I must have made 20 calls to different places. They were all booked, not taking any new patients, didn't work with people from my city, it went on and on. Very discouraging. Even more discouraging when you're in the middle of a meltdown and the sky is falling regardless of these phone calls. But, I've got to hand it to my wonderful mother-in-law, she found me each and every one of those numbers, including the one that finally worked! She really is my second mom, she's great at helping you find your way through just about anything. I'm one of the lucky ones who really like my in-laws. Anyway,I was so relieved and excited when I heard the news that I could "get in" to start some kind of treatment, it was great. I cannot actually see anyone until early April. The appointment I had last week was only pperwork. But the guy at the counter told me not to feel too bad, because all the people I saw in the waiting area weren't getting in until May. Yep, that worked, I didn't feel quite so bad.
On top of this, as a last resort, I contacted the previous doctor I had in Wisconsin to beg and plead with her to give me just one more prescription for the medication I take. When you have a mood or emotional disorder, things can go drastically wrong when you don't have the medicine you need to even out all those chemicals in the noggin, hence the "episode" I recently had. I received the email a few days ago that my merciful former doctor had called in 3 more months worth of medication for me! I just about jumped out of my seat, as I sat in the car, reading the email from my phone. ("....You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes...you might find....you get what you need!") Relief is in sight!
If you or anyone you know may be struggling with bi-polar disorder, I encourage you to check out this link so you can at least know what to look for and what to do about it.
The basics of bi-polar disorder and more...
They say bad things come in three's right? I believe that's true for good things,too. I've had 2, wonder what the third will be......hmmmm.
So, now, I just have to bide my time until that first appointment with a therapist. I do miss therapy, it really does help. I mean, the person who you talk to is trained and PAID to listen to your problems and offer suggestions. Does it get any better? I never understood these people who thought there was something wrong with therapy, I think it's great. But, on the down side, it means that since it's someone I have not seen before, I have to go through the emotional mud as I describe my problems, short-comings, and feelings. Yuck, I hate going to "that place" you know, it a downer, for lack of a better word. But right now, I am optomistic that it'll be a good thing. Can't really get a whole lot worse, right?....Don't answer that, lol.
Monday, March 1, 2010
5 weeks, 5 days...Stepping down
Hello, everybody. In a few days, I'll will be "stepping down" to step 2 on the nicotine patch program. Kind of exciting, kind of scary. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to leave my security blanket of full-strength nicotine? I've had 2 relapses during this whole time. The last one, I did not enjoy at all. I was more in a "f-it" kind of mood that day. And it was really not a nice thing at all. I felt the harshness of all the chemicals in full force. I had a headache shortly afterwards. So, while I am still mentally hooked on the physical habit of smoking, I am no longer enticed by the chemical "pay-off" a cigarette would produce. There's just no good reason to do it at all for me. And I just keep thinking, ASTHMA,ASTHMA, ASTHMA, choke, cough, cough,choke. I don't want to go there again. I'm grown, I don't have to, any you can't make me!I'm shouting at the pack of cigarettes in my head, not you, lol.
Anyway, it looks like I am having Good n'Plenty candy for dinner tonight. My husband stopped off at my brother-in-law's house after work, so I got out of dinner duty, yay! I don't know what it is, but since we've moved into this house, I feel the obligation to make dinner, like it's my duty or something. Now, I know it's 2010, and that obligation no longer holds water, but none-the-less, I feel it. Also, I am no good at cooking, even though I try. I can make chicken at least 10 different ways, haha. But cookies? Forget it, they always come out as horrible little fried patties of I don't know what. I still force down a few though, because I know there's chocolate chips in there somewhere, lol. As much as I wish I was naturally talented in the kitchen,and as a homemaker in general, I feel that I do not posses that "homemaker gene". Do you know what I mean? I can clean like nobody's business, but I am far from a whiz in the kitchen.
My mother claims, of course, that she's offered many times to show me how to cook, but I never took her up on it. I think it was probably because she was so busy ordering my sister and I around to make the house look so clean that it appeared as though no one lived there. Now, that quality (cleaning demon) I know I have! Oh, the twisted effects our mothers have on us!
Anyway, it looks like I am having Good n'Plenty candy for dinner tonight. My husband stopped off at my brother-in-law's house after work, so I got out of dinner duty, yay! I don't know what it is, but since we've moved into this house, I feel the obligation to make dinner, like it's my duty or something. Now, I know it's 2010, and that obligation no longer holds water, but none-the-less, I feel it. Also, I am no good at cooking, even though I try. I can make chicken at least 10 different ways, haha. But cookies? Forget it, they always come out as horrible little fried patties of I don't know what. I still force down a few though, because I know there's chocolate chips in there somewhere, lol. As much as I wish I was naturally talented in the kitchen,and as a homemaker in general, I feel that I do not posses that "homemaker gene". Do you know what I mean? I can clean like nobody's business, but I am far from a whiz in the kitchen.
My mother claims, of course, that she's offered many times to show me how to cook, but I never took her up on it. I think it was probably because she was so busy ordering my sister and I around to make the house look so clean that it appeared as though no one lived there. Now, that quality (cleaning demon) I know I have! Oh, the twisted effects our mothers have on us!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
5 weeks and 1 day....The Garage Floor
The garage floor never looked so good. Of course it was dirty from all the winter slush, and water dripping off the cars. But more than this, it is where my husband, who failed to quit smoking, leaves his cigarette butts. He thinks it's somehow "better" that when he's home, he only smokes about 1/2 the cigarette. Long story short......RELAPSE!! Yes, I call it a relapse as a drug addict would call doing the drug they are trying to abstain from. That's exactly what I feel it is.
I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential. Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well. And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do. I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on. It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving. However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette. These other things are what I was craving. Weird, isn't it? What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?! So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre. The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know). So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section. I know I deserve it.
Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking. Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever. I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years. And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear. When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might. It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time. But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with. Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking. So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
So, how do I "just be"? That is the question that I search for the answer to.
I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system. I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".
I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential. Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well. And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do. I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on. It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving. However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette. These other things are what I was craving. Weird, isn't it? What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?! So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre. The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know). So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section. I know I deserve it.
Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking. Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever. I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years. And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear. When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might. It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time. But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with. Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking. So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
So, how do I "just be"? That is the question that I search for the answer to.
I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system. I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".
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