My husband has decided to give quitting smoking another try. I am, of course, happy about it. It would certainly make my life easier. However, I question his motives. He says if I can do it, he can do it. This is true, as he has much more calm stubbornness in him then I do. My husband also says that I'm doing it (quitting), and his dad has done it because he just had open heart surgery, therefore if we can quit so can he. So, I'm afraid that he is doing it for reasons other than himself and his own desire for better health. I could be wrong, but that's what I'm seeing so far. Anyway, I suppose it's like that show 'Intervention'. It doesn't matter the reason you choose to stop using your drug of choice, as long as you say "yes" to stopping. The reasons why will come out later and help you continue on the path to being free from addiction.
So Eater is here on Sunday. Ya, all that pretty much means to me is that there will be a free meal at the in-law's house.....and maybe a few jelly beans. Haha, have fun everybody!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Just because I feel like it...
Hello all, I am writing today just because I feel like it. I need to "empty my brain into the keyboard". This practice has proven to be pretty good therapy for me, as I am still awaiting my appointment to talk to a live person about my problems. I have found that music is great therapy as well. Today is classic rock day for me. I've got the stereo on downstairs, and then a little boom box/radio thing by my side in the "office" tuned to the same station. Yep, I like the radio because you never know what you're gonna hear next. For all the times you hear the same tired song, there that one that comes on every once in a while that just takes you back to a particular memory, or just plain old makes you feel good. Plus the fact that we have no working computer speakers at the moment so now aol radio or my itunes library can be played. I mean it could, but it would sound horrible. As I've said many times, just because you could doesn't mean you should. Wow, that saying applies to so many things, doesn't it?
So, unlike yesterday, today is OK. I was really scared that I was about to have a repeat of the episode I had a few weeks ago with my bipolar disorder. However, today it's as if overnight, while I slept, the anxiety and depression just decided to go dormant again for a while. Which is freakin' fine by me! I hate the feeling I get when I'm in the worst part of this disorder. Hate is a strong word, but yes I truly hate being in that state. Feeling pathetically out of control with depression and anxiety is debilitating, exhausting and plain miserable. So, I'm just going to try to appreciate the small amount of peace I have in this moment and see how long it will stretch for me.
So, unlike yesterday, today is OK. I was really scared that I was about to have a repeat of the episode I had a few weeks ago with my bipolar disorder. However, today it's as if overnight, while I slept, the anxiety and depression just decided to go dormant again for a while. Which is freakin' fine by me! I hate the feeling I get when I'm in the worst part of this disorder. Hate is a strong word, but yes I truly hate being in that state. Feeling pathetically out of control with depression and anxiety is debilitating, exhausting and plain miserable. So, I'm just going to try to appreciate the small amount of peace I have in this moment and see how long it will stretch for me.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
9 weeks, 1 day...Down the emotional rabbit hole
Yep, I can feel a good one coming on. The classic signs are appearing, like feeling it's impossible to get enough sleep no matter how much I do. I'm always tired. But the past couple of days, I have had to force myself out of bed only because of the threat of getting a nasty back ache if I lay around too much. Lots of "to-do" lists running through my head that I feel is just too much, and I end up getting nothing done. I don't know where to even start, so I don't do anything. Easily overwhelmed. Practically living on ice cream at this point, don't forget the magic shell. I know, gross, right? That's the crazy part, I know it's gross too, but I can't help myself. It's like when you observe yourself as a separate person in a dream. Being bipolar is like that sometimes. Especially when you're in the downward spiral. Carving lots of junk food, drinking lots of caffinated beverages in stay awake. Instaed of raiding my change jar for cigarettes, I'm now raiding it for Red Bulls.
I almost think I should call my husband up at work and warn him that I don't know who he'll come home to. Loving wife who is happy to see him, or miserable bipolar lady that is pissed that he couldn't even take out the garbage last night (for example). Just the fact that I experience this flip-flopping of emotional states is enough to drive me crazy on its own. My poor husband, what the hell does he see in me again? I don't know how many more years he'll put up with it. I know that if I wasn't afflicted with any emotional disorder and I was in a relationship with someone that was, I don't think I could hang as long as he has. But, then again, there is other members of my husband's immediate family that are afflicted with different mental issues, so who knows.
Ugh, even typing about this is making it worse, so I'm going to try and concentrate on some homework. Unfortunately however,we are studying the reproductive unit for Anatomy & Physiology. While this class is very interesting to me, this unit is particularly hard. Don't know if anyone has heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but that is what I have. I won't get into gruesome details but in essence, eggs that are normally supposed to drop, don't, and can for cysts in the ovaries. Among the many many psychologically damaging side effects involved with this syndrome, the main one is that I cannot naturally conceive. It can be done, but not without "help" from the doctor. I have no insurance, neither does my husband. That pretty much equals no health care to speak of, unless its a semi-emergency.
Health insurance is actually a main reason that I have decided to get an education. Better job = health benefits. However, I am 35 now. Am I still going to want to try and have kids when I'm like 37? I know it CAN be done, but I have not yet decided if it SHOULD be done, according to my own moral compass.
I'm leaning towards not wanting to be a mother now, because I do not want to impose, yet alone pass on, any of my disorders to my child. I'm thinking that maybe it's meant to be that I can't have kids naturally.
But then I think of all the drug-addicted babies born every year, all the babies born to mother's who (in my opinion) do not deserve to be blessed with children. And I think, if they get to be mother's, why can't I?
I almost think I should call my husband up at work and warn him that I don't know who he'll come home to. Loving wife who is happy to see him, or miserable bipolar lady that is pissed that he couldn't even take out the garbage last night (for example). Just the fact that I experience this flip-flopping of emotional states is enough to drive me crazy on its own. My poor husband, what the hell does he see in me again? I don't know how many more years he'll put up with it. I know that if I wasn't afflicted with any emotional disorder and I was in a relationship with someone that was, I don't think I could hang as long as he has. But, then again, there is other members of my husband's immediate family that are afflicted with different mental issues, so who knows.
Ugh, even typing about this is making it worse, so I'm going to try and concentrate on some homework. Unfortunately however,we are studying the reproductive unit for Anatomy & Physiology. While this class is very interesting to me, this unit is particularly hard. Don't know if anyone has heard of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but that is what I have. I won't get into gruesome details but in essence, eggs that are normally supposed to drop, don't, and can for cysts in the ovaries. Among the many many psychologically damaging side effects involved with this syndrome, the main one is that I cannot naturally conceive. It can be done, but not without "help" from the doctor. I have no insurance, neither does my husband. That pretty much equals no health care to speak of, unless its a semi-emergency.
Health insurance is actually a main reason that I have decided to get an education. Better job = health benefits. However, I am 35 now. Am I still going to want to try and have kids when I'm like 37? I know it CAN be done, but I have not yet decided if it SHOULD be done, according to my own moral compass.
I'm leaning towards not wanting to be a mother now, because I do not want to impose, yet alone pass on, any of my disorders to my child. I'm thinking that maybe it's meant to be that I can't have kids naturally.
What's so great about them compared to me and my faults that allow them that privelege? I don't know, I am thoroughly confused on this topic. And just thoroughly confused in general right now.
Ugh! I'm a mess, so I will digress and try to get through the next few days without doing anything stupid. I'm counting the days until I get my appointment at the Mental Health of Aurora facility on the 7th of April. It's not too far off now.
Monday, March 22, 2010
8 weeks and 4 days...Throw a dog a bone, would ya?!
For those of you who may be new readers to this blog, the time frame listed in the title is the amount of time since I quit smoking. I am almost at my personal best record of about 3 months in 1998. I don't know what I'll do to reward myself if I surpass that. All I can say is that it will feel pretty awesome!......a new pair of walking shoes would be nice.
Anyway, I am now here at my in-law's house. Kind of babysitting in a way, I suppose. My father-in-law, who will give you the shirt off his back if you ask for it, just went through heart surgery. Out of 8 possible arteries they could have bypassed, he had to have 5 of them rerouted. He was in bad shape, having dizzy spells all the time, and other symptoms of compromised circulation because of his heart. He was also, at one point, a 2 pack a day smoker. He smoked for about 40 years he says. Can you imagine breaking a habit you enjoy, after having done it for 40 years? I smoked for 20 years, and cannot imagine what he must be going through on top of recovering from cardiac surgery.
He was basically told, when he was admitted, that he was no longer a smoker. This is the part that worries me. See, my father-in-law is one of those types of people that absolutely hate to be told what to do, whether or not it is the right thing to do, is irrelevant. So, even though he was in the process of planning to quit smoking before the surgery by taking Zyban, I worry that he'll insist on quitting on his own terms, and try to have "just one more" because that is what he decides, only for the reason of having control over his circumstances. This remains to be seen. So far he is doing great as far as I can tell. He is, of course, noticably weaker and looking older. He is still on an oxygen tank for the time being, but this should be temporary.
Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, I will be the one to chauffer him to his rehabilitation and physical therapy appointments. I do not mind doing this at all, but the reason I have been nominated is because I do not have a job to speak of. Unemployment; a blessing in disguise? I don't know.
I want to be able to contribute to my own household, but on the same note, I feel it is my duty to be there for the person who made me able to have a house at all. You see, my in-laws are gracious enough to believe the analogy that "you can't take it with you" when you die. So they have made it possible for both of their sons to be home owners. Wow, right? This of course, has benefitted me as well, among other things they have done for us. So, in that sense, I am almost glad to be working so I can be there when they need help, which is pretty much never. If I can help them out in any way shape or form I will. My help, in whatever form, is all I have to offer them for the generosity the have shown my husband and I.
Anyway, I am now here at my in-law's house. Kind of babysitting in a way, I suppose. My father-in-law, who will give you the shirt off his back if you ask for it, just went through heart surgery. Out of 8 possible arteries they could have bypassed, he had to have 5 of them rerouted. He was in bad shape, having dizzy spells all the time, and other symptoms of compromised circulation because of his heart. He was also, at one point, a 2 pack a day smoker. He smoked for about 40 years he says. Can you imagine breaking a habit you enjoy, after having done it for 40 years? I smoked for 20 years, and cannot imagine what he must be going through on top of recovering from cardiac surgery.
He was basically told, when he was admitted, that he was no longer a smoker. This is the part that worries me. See, my father-in-law is one of those types of people that absolutely hate to be told what to do, whether or not it is the right thing to do, is irrelevant. So, even though he was in the process of planning to quit smoking before the surgery by taking Zyban, I worry that he'll insist on quitting on his own terms, and try to have "just one more" because that is what he decides, only for the reason of having control over his circumstances. This remains to be seen. So far he is doing great as far as I can tell. He is, of course, noticably weaker and looking older. He is still on an oxygen tank for the time being, but this should be temporary.
Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, I will be the one to chauffer him to his rehabilitation and physical therapy appointments. I do not mind doing this at all, but the reason I have been nominated is because I do not have a job to speak of. Unemployment; a blessing in disguise? I don't know.
I want to be able to contribute to my own household, but on the same note, I feel it is my duty to be there for the person who made me able to have a house at all. You see, my in-laws are gracious enough to believe the analogy that "you can't take it with you" when you die. So they have made it possible for both of their sons to be home owners. Wow, right? This of course, has benefitted me as well, among other things they have done for us. So, in that sense, I am almost glad to be working so I can be there when they need help, which is pretty much never. If I can help them out in any way shape or form I will. My help, in whatever form, is all I have to offer them for the generosity the have shown my husband and I.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Baggage drop-off
I am posting this because the link in my previous post di not work. This is basically an interaction I had between an ex who gave me lots of baggage. I despised him for years, and thought that deep down when it came down to the wire, that all men would behave towards me in the way I was treated by this guy.
Fortunately, I am happily married t a man that has seen me through more "issues" than I care to mention at the moment, and has put guys like this ex to shame. Anyways,read on...
Copied from Facebook...
Amanda Yeske Tubo March 12 at 2:31pm
Kevin,
Well, here you are, right in front of me on my screen. If you only had a clue of the emotions that are going through me right now.
Honestly. I'd be suprised if you have more than a vague remembrance of me....you know....your first "wife".
I've been in the habbit lately of getting things of my chest to everyone I have been holding back on, and guess where you are on that list? Numero uno, buddy....for YEARS!
The very last time I physically saw you, I was still living in WI. I was the manager, at the time, of the Cost Cutters in Middleton and you came in. You were with some woman, whom I wondered if you even told you were previously married...probably not. You guys came up in a minivan and a few kids, so I assumed that this was your current wife and those were your kids. I was the one up front who actually cut the woman's hair that you came in with.
Were you such an unbelievable lush when we were together that you didn't even recognize me later on at the hair salon? Or were you hoping I wouldn't remember you? Oh boy have I tried to block the memory of that time, but it's burned into my barin. The way I fell for your charm, the way you begged to "be together" the first night we hooked up. The way you asked me to marry you in the parking lot of an army recruiter's office (in order to get paid more once you joined). Oh ya, I remember all of it.
I remember living with you at your parents house for a while and then being asked to leave. You probably finally admitted to your parents the real reason you asked me to marry you, and then had them do your dirty work for you. Classy.
I remember the farm house in Stoughton, and leaving my job to make a life with you there. Then I remember going for a beer run in the Firebird (which is still on my credit report, by the way), which I was rarely "allowed" to drive, and coming back to that farm house to find find you and some gullable tramp behind a locked bedroom door. Yep, I remember all of it.
I hope that you've at least attempted to grow up since then, and develop some form of remorse for what you did to me. However, I believe in karma, and I know that what goes around comes around.
I can also say that I forgive you for that time, only because without those experiences I wouldn't be where I am now. Which is happily married to an honest man who is there for me when I need him the most.
Peace & Karma to you,
Amanda
His response...
Kevin March 12 at 2:48pm Report
Wow!!! Finally an chance for a sincere apology . Thank you for writing me. That was my wife and she went through the same hell you did with me , but for 8 years. Yes , I told her long before we saw you that I was married to you. I also told her when we left that day that Amanda Yeske cut her hair. She was not bothered.
Amanda , as you know , I was for a long time a very selfish , self centered BASTARD . I was not happy being Kevin Rundle and I took it out on you and others. For that I am sorry. I have grown up since then. I have had four children. My kids deserve and have received an honest , hardworking , caring father . I know know how much my " ways " hurt those around me.
Believe it or not I still have our wedding pictures. I cared about you Amanda , but I wasn't capable of Love because I didn't even love myself. I will always remember you and that day . It's not something I'm trying to forget. All the decisions I've made have helped me to be the Man I am today.
Congratulations on your marriage & thank you for this. It's helped me grow even more.
Kevin
Amanda Yeske Tubo March 12 at 5:30pm
Well I've been waiting many years to say my piece to you. So I guess this has been good for both of us.
Peace,
Amanda
Sent via Facebook Mobile Kevin Rundle March 12 at 6:00pm Report
Yup , take care
Scandalous bastard, wasn't he? Although I do appreciate his apology, I do secretly hope that his second marriage was at least slightly as miserable for him as he made my first one. There is definetely something to be said for closure. I feel a heck of a lot better that I have no doubt in my mind that he is fully aware of how I felt about what I went through as a result of choosing to be with him.
A note to other girls in similar situations...learn from my mistakes. Listen to your gut, and don't be swayed by another because of the reward of what promises lay ahead. You knw just as much about the future as he ever will...nothing. In the famous words of Flavor Flav (I think)..."Don't believe the hype!"
Fortunately, I am happily married t a man that has seen me through more "issues" than I care to mention at the moment, and has put guys like this ex to shame. Anyways,read on...
Copied from Facebook...
Amanda Yeske Tubo March 12 at 2:31pm
Kevin,
Well, here you are, right in front of me on my screen. If you only had a clue of the emotions that are going through me right now.
Honestly. I'd be suprised if you have more than a vague remembrance of me....you know....your first "wife".
I've been in the habbit lately of getting things of my chest to everyone I have been holding back on, and guess where you are on that list? Numero uno, buddy....for YEARS!
The very last time I physically saw you, I was still living in WI. I was the manager, at the time, of the Cost Cutters in Middleton and you came in. You were with some woman, whom I wondered if you even told you were previously married...probably not. You guys came up in a minivan and a few kids, so I assumed that this was your current wife and those were your kids. I was the one up front who actually cut the woman's hair that you came in with.
Were you such an unbelievable lush when we were together that you didn't even recognize me later on at the hair salon? Or were you hoping I wouldn't remember you? Oh boy have I tried to block the memory of that time, but it's burned into my barin. The way I fell for your charm, the way you begged to "be together" the first night we hooked up. The way you asked me to marry you in the parking lot of an army recruiter's office (in order to get paid more once you joined). Oh ya, I remember all of it.
I remember living with you at your parents house for a while and then being asked to leave. You probably finally admitted to your parents the real reason you asked me to marry you, and then had them do your dirty work for you. Classy.
I remember the farm house in Stoughton, and leaving my job to make a life with you there. Then I remember going for a beer run in the Firebird (which is still on my credit report, by the way), which I was rarely "allowed" to drive, and coming back to that farm house to find find you and some gullable tramp behind a locked bedroom door. Yep, I remember all of it.
I hope that you've at least attempted to grow up since then, and develop some form of remorse for what you did to me. However, I believe in karma, and I know that what goes around comes around.
I can also say that I forgive you for that time, only because without those experiences I wouldn't be where I am now. Which is happily married to an honest man who is there for me when I need him the most.
Peace & Karma to you,
Amanda
His response...
Kevin March 12 at 2:48pm Report
Wow!!! Finally an chance for a sincere apology . Thank you for writing me. That was my wife and she went through the same hell you did with me , but for 8 years. Yes , I told her long before we saw you that I was married to you. I also told her when we left that day that Amanda Yeske cut her hair. She was not bothered.
Amanda , as you know , I was for a long time a very selfish , self centered BASTARD . I was not happy being Kevin Rundle and I took it out on you and others. For that I am sorry. I have grown up since then. I have had four children. My kids deserve and have received an honest , hardworking , caring father . I know know how much my " ways " hurt those around me.
Believe it or not I still have our wedding pictures. I cared about you Amanda , but I wasn't capable of Love because I didn't even love myself. I will always remember you and that day . It's not something I'm trying to forget. All the decisions I've made have helped me to be the Man I am today.
Congratulations on your marriage & thank you for this. It's helped me grow even more.
Kevin
Amanda Yeske Tubo March 12 at 5:30pm
Well I've been waiting many years to say my piece to you. So I guess this has been good for both of us.
Peace,
Amanda
Sent via Facebook Mobile Kevin Rundle March 12 at 6:00pm Report
Yup , take care
Scandalous bastard, wasn't he? Although I do appreciate his apology, I do secretly hope that his second marriage was at least slightly as miserable for him as he made my first one. There is definetely something to be said for closure. I feel a heck of a lot better that I have no doubt in my mind that he is fully aware of how I felt about what I went through as a result of choosing to be with him.
A note to other girls in similar situations...learn from my mistakes. Listen to your gut, and don't be swayed by another because of the reward of what promises lay ahead. You knw just as much about the future as he ever will...nothing. In the famous words of Flavor Flav (I think)..."Don't believe the hype!"
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Hmmm...really?
First of all, thank you to everyone who commentd, I do appreciate your input. You all are pretty much in agreement that I am over reacting to my sister's decision to move to Hawaii in pursuit of religious happiness and fulfillment. So, maybe you all are right. Maybe I should just be happy that she is deciding to drop everything and pursue some state of happiness that she is unable to find here. Maybe I should be happy that she chooses to ditch personal relationships to gain a better one with a spiritual element. Yes, maybe, but right now, I am unable to do so. I know that with time, I will make peace with the fact that she is going and has personal motivations that I will never understand. But right now, I'm still not happy about it. Whatever, follow your bliss, tra-la-la-la....and all that crap.
In a similar vein,of getting things off my chest, I found a "blast from the past" on facebook. I found that "man" I mistakenly married when I was a mere 19 years old. I was completely floored to see his picture up there on the screen. Not nearly as handsome as he was when I knew him. Now he looked weathered, his face was all reddened and thinned out. I assume this is a result of years of abusing alcohol, as he was most definetely persuing that path when he got together with me, and I know he had a family history with it also.
At that time, we were both unstable people, and got married after knowing each other only 3 weeks. I later found out that he had only asked me to marry him in order to get paid more once he joined the army. None of which was ever sent back home to me. But I'm sure he had all the drinks that him, his buddies, and the tramps hanging out with them could handle.
Anyway, to make a very long story short, I wrote to him to get off of my chest all the anger and resentment I've been holding onto over the years. I was expecting a very different response then the one I got. I'm going to attempt to post a link so you can read it if you chose.
Baggage handler's response to baggage...
This has been a crazy time for me lately, lots of emotional activity. Sister's moving away, I talk to a guy that gave me lots of baggage, and my father-in-law is in the hospital. A lot to handle, but I'm trying to keep it at the "One day at a time" level. Wish me luck.
In a similar vein,of getting things off my chest, I found a "blast from the past" on facebook. I found that "man" I mistakenly married when I was a mere 19 years old. I was completely floored to see his picture up there on the screen. Not nearly as handsome as he was when I knew him. Now he looked weathered, his face was all reddened and thinned out. I assume this is a result of years of abusing alcohol, as he was most definetely persuing that path when he got together with me, and I know he had a family history with it also.
At that time, we were both unstable people, and got married after knowing each other only 3 weeks. I later found out that he had only asked me to marry him in order to get paid more once he joined the army. None of which was ever sent back home to me. But I'm sure he had all the drinks that him, his buddies, and the tramps hanging out with them could handle.
Anyway, to make a very long story short, I wrote to him to get off of my chest all the anger and resentment I've been holding onto over the years. I was expecting a very different response then the one I got. I'm going to attempt to post a link so you can read it if you chose.
Baggage handler's response to baggage...
This has been a crazy time for me lately, lots of emotional activity. Sister's moving away, I talk to a guy that gave me lots of baggage, and my father-in-law is in the hospital. A lot to handle, but I'm trying to keep it at the "One day at a time" level. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Emotional Exhaustion...Put on your glasses, this is a long one!
Oh boy, I am really emotionally drained. I have been going through a lot of turmoil in these past few weeks. First of all, the greatest stressor has been to keep away from cigarettes amidst all this other stuff happening around me. That, by itself, is immensley difficult. But, on top of that, I had a complete emotional/mental breakdown as a result of my bi-polar episode spinning out of control. I don't know why, it simply just happened. That's perhaps the most frustrating thing about having the disorder, is that it's completely out of your control. Anyway, in the middle of that breakdown, I found out that my sister will most likely be moving away......to Hawaii.
I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write. I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement. But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head. But, I can talk about how it will affect me.
Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close. Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening. As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls. But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house. Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family. Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice. Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that. But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.
When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier. I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life. I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding. I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me. How could he be though, he didn't know me. If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I know that it can't be all perfect. Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life. Still sad, none the less.
So, couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that. One word: BORING!! We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though. That teeny town had 5 bars!! Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin. But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet. It was just a really crappy couple of years.
My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado. His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great. At least we would have some family around. Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs! A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be. How cool is that?! I was totally excited. We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis. I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me. I would be an aunt, in practice. I was happy about this news, for sure.
Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood". Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house. This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away. No big deal, still doable. The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma! But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible. They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that. And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol. I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that. Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices. You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.
However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently. They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area. I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too. I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have. Is it the $7 a gallon for milk? Is it humidity and bugs? Is it not knowing anyone and starting over? I know they know one person, but that's it.
My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state? My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want. Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there? I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years? I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.
Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons. I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person). Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three. They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines. You know what I mean? No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations". Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house. My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me. I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen. I'll probably never throw it away. And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.
You can't get that in mail or over the phone.
I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.
I know my sister will be reading this, so I'll keep that in mind as I write. I have already given her my opinions, lashed out in frustration, and she knows how I feel. I guess we've made up, I mean, I have seen her since the initial announcement. But emotionally, I'm still upset. Even though I love her very much, I feel she is a total nutcase for doing this. (And some would say that I have a slight advantage of awareness in the nutcase department, lol.) I won't go into too much detail about her reasoning, because like I said, it doesn't make much sense unless you're in her head. But, I can talk about how it will affect me.
Where to begin....OK, my family growing up was not very close. Everything looked peachy from the outside, but there was always some type of emotional frustration happening. As I suppose might be par for the course in a house with 2 teenaged girls. But, for various reasons, I always felt like I didn't belong in my own house. Long story short, and through experiences with friends and their families, it led me to believe that what I wanted more then anything when I "grew up" (still workin' on that) was a big fun family. Maybe not even big, just fun would've been nice. Anyway, when I met my husband and became more involved with his family and friends, I started to experience that. But, of course, it wasn't quite the same as getting that feeling from your own family.
When my sister was pregnant with her now 5 year old son, I couldn't have been happier. I was so regretful that I couldn't afford to be there for the birth, let alone for the first 2 years of his life. I didn't get to meet him until I got married and they all came to the wedding. I was glad to finally meet him, but I was also sad that he wasn't equally happy to see me. How could he be though, he didn't know me. If we had all been at least within driving distance of each other, I would've had a relationship already with him, and he would have known me. Now, I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I know that it can't be all perfect. Sometimes families end up in opposite sides of the country, and that's just life. Still sad, none the less.
So, couple of years later, my husband and I decided we were miserable out in the countryside of Wisconsin, that we once thought would be so quaint and lovely and all that. One word: BORING!! We were so isolated, living in a town of barely 2000, anything you could need besides gas was 20 minutes away. Not to worry if you needed a drink, though. That teeny town had 5 bars!! Isn't that a riot?! Only in Wisconsin. But anyways, we barely saw each other because we were both working our butts off to almost make ends meet. It was just a really crappy couple of years.
My husband's parents had picked up on how miserable we were there, and with their almost limitless generosity, they helped him and me move here to Colorado. His parents lived here, so we thought it was
just great. At least we would have some family around. Then out of the blue, my sister tells me that she and her family are moving to Colorado Springs! A mere hour's drive from where I'm going to be. How cool is that?! I was totally excited. We could actually have a relationship and get together on a regular basis. I could actually get to know my nephews, and they would know me. I would be an aunt, in practice. I was happy about this news, for sure.
Even though we didn't get together quite as often as I think either of us would've liked, it was comforting to know that I had someone from my original family "in the neighborhood". Then after a year or 2 they moved to another house. This one is more in the moutains, and an additional hour away. No big deal, still doable. The elevation is pretty harsh though. It sure does a number on my asthma! But their "dream", or should I say her husband's dream, is to be as far "off the grid" as possible. They want to live off the land, raise chickens, plant massive gardens, use solar power, all of that. And my family always thought I was the hippie born too late, lol. I think they pegged the wrong daughter with that. Anyway, they have trouble finding housing because of various personal reasons, but they really want to do all these "natural living" practices. You can't really do much of that when you're in a rental that may or may not have HOA's, I don't care what state you're in.
However, their latest contrived concept of utopian natural living is located in Hawaii, apparently. They say they can find comparable rental rates to this area. I told her that Hawaii has ghetto's, too. I don't know what it is about Hawaii that is so appealing to them and this dream they have. Is it the $7 a gallon for milk? Is it humidity and bugs? Is it not knowing anyone and starting over? I know they know one person, but that's it.
My point is, what's so great about starting again in Hawaii, that cannot be found in this state? My house doesn't have an HOA, there are plenty of places here that they could rent without the restrictions they don't want. Do they think it's going to be all fairy dust and pineapples out there? I mean, really! Has someone burned so many bridges that they must jump state every couple of years? I know my sister knows the meaning of the words "stick it out", but does her husband? I'm thinking no.
Besides my concern for my sister, and the increasing isolation she allows, I am not happy for selfish reasons. I can admit that. I want to have time with my sister, get together, do things, talk (in person). Sure, my husband's family is there for me, but they haven't known me since I was three. They can't have a coversation completely made from old 80's movie lines. You know what I mean? No one knows me quite like she does. And no one knows her quite the way I do either. Plus, I want to know my nephews, not just through pictures inserted into Christmas cards and 30 second phone "conversations". Last Thanksgiving, we all got together at my husband's parents house. My oldest nephew made a turkey decoration, just for me. I thought it was the coolest turkey I've ever seen. I'll probably never throw it away. And when he sees me when we meet up, or I come to their house for a visit, I get a big and loud, "Aunt Mandy! Aunt Mandy!" and a bear hug.
You can't get that in mail or over the phone.
I hope that someday, that they will learn to put relationships (with real people) before philosophies and grandiose dreams.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Collages
I started making collages again. However, the one I made last night was in the form of "flair", on facebook.
My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.
Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.
This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...
Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...
No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...
Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!
Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!
My life story in buttons... (from left to right) I would have posted the actual collage here, but couldn't quite figure out how to do that. So, there's the link to my bulletin board on facebook.
Collages are very therapeutic for me. I have done them off and on for many years. Less as I've gotten older. But, like blogging, it's a good way to create an image, much like an artist but without actual talent, of what's going on in your head.
This one is just about the evolution of my life so far. Short explanation...
Ice Ice Baby is still a great song...My name...Lived in Illinois (Crystal Lake)...beautiful falls...moved to WI age 12....every Halloween was freezing rain or snow...Moved to CA at 22...My stance on pot...
No comment...First salon I worked at was in SJC, I saw this building many times...Discovered Starbucks, instantly addicted...Trip to LV...One night in Tijuana...
Visited friend in WI and got a tattoo very similar to this butterfly...In my opinion, an accurate depiction of WI...Pepper, our first kitty (RIP)...Got married....adopted Max and Sweet Pea...I do this all this time
.
We got our first house...adopted Dotty...clogs are ugly and should not be manufactured...I have a close relative you thinks it IS cute...pretty tree...Moving to CO...they do!
Retired from hairdressing...Gramma...Starting over...I'm gonna get this tattooed on my forehead for my husband...WORD...My husbnad snores and it drives me crazy...Meds are good!
6 weeks, 5 days...Gettin' close to 2 months!
Never, never, never in a million years did I think I would be able to make it this far. I even made it through a nasty episode with bipolar and didn't smoke. That's an accomplishment for sure. My personal best stretch of time that I've ever been able to quit smoking is somewhere between 3 and 4 months. This was back in 1998. I rememeber it because of the place I worked at the time. It was my first job out of beauty school, and this is also the time when I met my husband. So ya, not an easily forgetable time. Anyway, I have no idea what made me go back to it......oh ya, everyone I knew outside of work and parents smoked!! I was doomed before I even started. At 22, I was nowhere near mentally oe emotionally strong enough to truly believe that I had to do this for myself, and that my self was worth it. I couldn't imagine the long term risks in any kind of reality. My Mom always said that I had to learn things the hard way. And that's exactly what I did. I didn't really know that I had to quit until my health started to suffer in obvious and serious ways (to me). Inhaler "hits" numerous times a day, and complications of high blood pressure are what did it for me. If you're blood pressure's too high, you could have a stroke. And if you let high blood pressure go for long enough, you can replace "could" in the previous sentence with "will". If you can't breathe, well, you know what happens. So, those were big enough reasons for me to actually do it this time.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
It's been long enough that I'm losing track of time....quit Jan. 20....
Wow, I've been up to my eyeballs in homework today. And as with any homework, but espeically for school that 100% online, it's A LOT of typing! So, about 2 minutes ago, after typing away for several hours of the day, I shouted downstairs to my husband, ".....I'VE GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!!!"
OK, you will only find that mildly funny if #1, you know the Pink Floyd song that it references, or #2 you're a Family Guy fan; Stewie also shouts this out after playing a banjo song. And Stewie is only funny if you know the Pink Floyd song......but I digress.
So, what's new? Nothing too exciting to talk about lately. Just doing lots of homework, trying to catch up from my meltdown period when I was almost incapable of bathing because I was so out of it. Now that I've "recovered" from that episode, it almost feels as if it's another person I'm talking about. Chemical imbalances are just bizarre; they can make you think certain ways, do certain things, react to others differently then you would when you are "yourself". Whoever that is, right?
Oh, I do have some good news. I have recently been connected with a mental health facility in my area that works with broke people like myself. I must have made 20 calls to different places. They were all booked, not taking any new patients, didn't work with people from my city, it went on and on. Very discouraging. Even more discouraging when you're in the middle of a meltdown and the sky is falling regardless of these phone calls. But, I've got to hand it to my wonderful mother-in-law, she found me each and every one of those numbers, including the one that finally worked! She really is my second mom, she's great at helping you find your way through just about anything. I'm one of the lucky ones who really like my in-laws. Anyway,I was so relieved and excited when I heard the news that I could "get in" to start some kind of treatment, it was great. I cannot actually see anyone until early April. The appointment I had last week was only pperwork. But the guy at the counter told me not to feel too bad, because all the people I saw in the waiting area weren't getting in until May. Yep, that worked, I didn't feel quite so bad.
On top of this, as a last resort, I contacted the previous doctor I had in Wisconsin to beg and plead with her to give me just one more prescription for the medication I take. When you have a mood or emotional disorder, things can go drastically wrong when you don't have the medicine you need to even out all those chemicals in the noggin, hence the "episode" I recently had. I received the email a few days ago that my merciful former doctor had called in 3 more months worth of medication for me! I just about jumped out of my seat, as I sat in the car, reading the email from my phone. ("....You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes...you might find....you get what you need!") Relief is in sight!
If you or anyone you know may be struggling with bi-polar disorder, I encourage you to check out this link so you can at least know what to look for and what to do about it.
The basics of bi-polar disorder and more...
They say bad things come in three's right? I believe that's true for good things,too. I've had 2, wonder what the third will be......hmmmm.
So, now, I just have to bide my time until that first appointment with a therapist. I do miss therapy, it really does help. I mean, the person who you talk to is trained and PAID to listen to your problems and offer suggestions. Does it get any better? I never understood these people who thought there was something wrong with therapy, I think it's great. But, on the down side, it means that since it's someone I have not seen before, I have to go through the emotional mud as I describe my problems, short-comings, and feelings. Yuck, I hate going to "that place" you know, it a downer, for lack of a better word. But right now, I am optomistic that it'll be a good thing. Can't really get a whole lot worse, right?....Don't answer that, lol.
OK, you will only find that mildly funny if #1, you know the Pink Floyd song that it references, or #2 you're a Family Guy fan; Stewie also shouts this out after playing a banjo song. And Stewie is only funny if you know the Pink Floyd song......but I digress.
So, what's new? Nothing too exciting to talk about lately. Just doing lots of homework, trying to catch up from my meltdown period when I was almost incapable of bathing because I was so out of it. Now that I've "recovered" from that episode, it almost feels as if it's another person I'm talking about. Chemical imbalances are just bizarre; they can make you think certain ways, do certain things, react to others differently then you would when you are "yourself". Whoever that is, right?
Oh, I do have some good news. I have recently been connected with a mental health facility in my area that works with broke people like myself. I must have made 20 calls to different places. They were all booked, not taking any new patients, didn't work with people from my city, it went on and on. Very discouraging. Even more discouraging when you're in the middle of a meltdown and the sky is falling regardless of these phone calls. But, I've got to hand it to my wonderful mother-in-law, she found me each and every one of those numbers, including the one that finally worked! She really is my second mom, she's great at helping you find your way through just about anything. I'm one of the lucky ones who really like my in-laws. Anyway,I was so relieved and excited when I heard the news that I could "get in" to start some kind of treatment, it was great. I cannot actually see anyone until early April. The appointment I had last week was only pperwork. But the guy at the counter told me not to feel too bad, because all the people I saw in the waiting area weren't getting in until May. Yep, that worked, I didn't feel quite so bad.
On top of this, as a last resort, I contacted the previous doctor I had in Wisconsin to beg and plead with her to give me just one more prescription for the medication I take. When you have a mood or emotional disorder, things can go drastically wrong when you don't have the medicine you need to even out all those chemicals in the noggin, hence the "episode" I recently had. I received the email a few days ago that my merciful former doctor had called in 3 more months worth of medication for me! I just about jumped out of my seat, as I sat in the car, reading the email from my phone. ("....You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometimes...you might find....you get what you need!") Relief is in sight!
If you or anyone you know may be struggling with bi-polar disorder, I encourage you to check out this link so you can at least know what to look for and what to do about it.
The basics of bi-polar disorder and more...
They say bad things come in three's right? I believe that's true for good things,too. I've had 2, wonder what the third will be......hmmmm.
So, now, I just have to bide my time until that first appointment with a therapist. I do miss therapy, it really does help. I mean, the person who you talk to is trained and PAID to listen to your problems and offer suggestions. Does it get any better? I never understood these people who thought there was something wrong with therapy, I think it's great. But, on the down side, it means that since it's someone I have not seen before, I have to go through the emotional mud as I describe my problems, short-comings, and feelings. Yuck, I hate going to "that place" you know, it a downer, for lack of a better word. But right now, I am optomistic that it'll be a good thing. Can't really get a whole lot worse, right?....Don't answer that, lol.
Monday, March 1, 2010
5 weeks, 5 days...Stepping down
Hello, everybody. In a few days, I'll will be "stepping down" to step 2 on the nicotine patch program. Kind of exciting, kind of scary. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to leave my security blanket of full-strength nicotine? I've had 2 relapses during this whole time. The last one, I did not enjoy at all. I was more in a "f-it" kind of mood that day. And it was really not a nice thing at all. I felt the harshness of all the chemicals in full force. I had a headache shortly afterwards. So, while I am still mentally hooked on the physical habit of smoking, I am no longer enticed by the chemical "pay-off" a cigarette would produce. There's just no good reason to do it at all for me. And I just keep thinking, ASTHMA,ASTHMA, ASTHMA, choke, cough, cough,choke. I don't want to go there again. I'm grown, I don't have to, any you can't make me!I'm shouting at the pack of cigarettes in my head, not you, lol.
Anyway, it looks like I am having Good n'Plenty candy for dinner tonight. My husband stopped off at my brother-in-law's house after work, so I got out of dinner duty, yay! I don't know what it is, but since we've moved into this house, I feel the obligation to make dinner, like it's my duty or something. Now, I know it's 2010, and that obligation no longer holds water, but none-the-less, I feel it. Also, I am no good at cooking, even though I try. I can make chicken at least 10 different ways, haha. But cookies? Forget it, they always come out as horrible little fried patties of I don't know what. I still force down a few though, because I know there's chocolate chips in there somewhere, lol. As much as I wish I was naturally talented in the kitchen,and as a homemaker in general, I feel that I do not posses that "homemaker gene". Do you know what I mean? I can clean like nobody's business, but I am far from a whiz in the kitchen.
My mother claims, of course, that she's offered many times to show me how to cook, but I never took her up on it. I think it was probably because she was so busy ordering my sister and I around to make the house look so clean that it appeared as though no one lived there. Now, that quality (cleaning demon) I know I have! Oh, the twisted effects our mothers have on us!
Anyway, it looks like I am having Good n'Plenty candy for dinner tonight. My husband stopped off at my brother-in-law's house after work, so I got out of dinner duty, yay! I don't know what it is, but since we've moved into this house, I feel the obligation to make dinner, like it's my duty or something. Now, I know it's 2010, and that obligation no longer holds water, but none-the-less, I feel it. Also, I am no good at cooking, even though I try. I can make chicken at least 10 different ways, haha. But cookies? Forget it, they always come out as horrible little fried patties of I don't know what. I still force down a few though, because I know there's chocolate chips in there somewhere, lol. As much as I wish I was naturally talented in the kitchen,and as a homemaker in general, I feel that I do not posses that "homemaker gene". Do you know what I mean? I can clean like nobody's business, but I am far from a whiz in the kitchen.
My mother claims, of course, that she's offered many times to show me how to cook, but I never took her up on it. I think it was probably because she was so busy ordering my sister and I around to make the house look so clean that it appeared as though no one lived there. Now, that quality (cleaning demon) I know I have! Oh, the twisted effects our mothers have on us!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
5 weeks and 1 day....The Garage Floor
The garage floor never looked so good. Of course it was dirty from all the winter slush, and water dripping off the cars. But more than this, it is where my husband, who failed to quit smoking, leaves his cigarette butts. He thinks it's somehow "better" that when he's home, he only smokes about 1/2 the cigarette. Long story short......RELAPSE!! Yes, I call it a relapse as a drug addict would call doing the drug they are trying to abstain from. That's exactly what I feel it is.
I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential. Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well. And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do. I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on. It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving. However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette. These other things are what I was craving. Weird, isn't it? What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?! So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre. The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know). So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section. I know I deserve it.
Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking. Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever. I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years. And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear. When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might. It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time. But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with. Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking. So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
So, how do I "just be"? That is the question that I search for the answer to.
I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system. I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".
I have not been in the best of mental states lately, so my impulse control and logical thought processes are definetely not functioning at their full potential. Sometimes, when you feel defeated in general, and you're debating a decision, you hear the statement, "...F*** it, who cares?". That's been in my head a lot lately as well. And, I said it again as I enetered the garage, knowing exactly what I intended to do. I waited too darn long after getting up to slap that patch on. It wasn't even so much as the nicotine that I was craving. However, that's only one of the hundreds of chemical that are in a cigarette. These other things are what I was craving. Weird, isn't it? What the heck to they REALLY put in those things?! So, I got about 4 drags in, and put it out, completely ashamed of myself (goes without saying).
This time though, I actuallly felt a "head change", which is quite bizarre. The same kind you might get it you were to smoke pot, a mild version of being high, I guess. All those recptors in the brain were filled with the "fuel" I had conditioned them to want, over the years of smoking. This version, with the cigarette, is much more temporary....and now I have a headache as I write this (serves me right, I know). So, everyone who may read this, feel free to leave me a spanking in the comment section. I know I deserve it.
Just to rationally think this through, as the factors that contributed to this relapse, included the fact that I have not even had so much as my beloved margarita since I quit smoking. Over 5 weeks now with no mind or mood-altering substances what-so-ever. I know that I don't NEED to have anything like this to live, but I have operated in self-medicated bliss at regular intervals for several years. And having to be stone-cold sober from everything, for fear that it would lead to a cigarette, is sometimes too much to bear. When I say self-medicated bliss at regular intervals, what I mean is that I would drink socially and smoke socially at get togethers with the family or at any other social occassion, like anyone else might. It was just an enjoyable and acceptable form of relaxation, nothing more then that, just having a good time. But it was such a routine, that I relied on it to relax and "be myself", or at least to present a "self" that I was comfortable with. Of course, these activities are greatly centered around hanging out, often in a garage or outside, chatting with people, and smoking. So that's why I have chosen to not participate in that stuff, because it is so closely asociated with smoking, for me anyways.
So, how do I "just be"? That is the question that I search for the answer to.
I slapped on the patch about 15 minutes ago, and felt the burning tingle as the nicotine from it enters my system. I am OK again, all is well, I'm back on the "program".
Friday, February 19, 2010
4 weeks and 2 days...Wow
So, I've been smoke free for 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm 35 officially now. I always said (to myself) that I wanted to quit by this age. I was out today at the outlet mall. My father-in-law was generous enough to take me out to a certain pricey purse store there and I had my pick of the store. What?! Yes, "Go pick one" he says, "and no looking at price tags! Just pick what you want." I pretty much crapped my pants, but I managed to pick out a gorgeous leather powder blue purse with a matching wallet. Wow, talk about being queen for a day! My family never had much money. And what money we did have, was usually spent towards my mother's interests. At least that's the impression I got. So, ya, this was pretty incredible for me.
Anyway, my point when I started writing is this: after a month of not smoking, I'm noticing my sense of smell is getting better all the time. We were in one store, and I could smell the chocolate shoppe that was next door. I felt like a baby who figured out that they could clap their hands, just fascinated.
I'm starting to allow myself to be around smokers now. Family members have been good about not smoking in the car if I'm riding with them, and I appreciate that. However, I'm still with them when they light up after getting out of the car, so I don't really see how that's helping. I know I could walk away, but I don't really mind the smell. I mean, it's not pleasant, and I think to myself, "I used to inhale stuff that smelled like that?". But, it doesn't make me gag or anything. I was telling my husband, that it's not the smell so much that gets me, but the physical and visual presence of a cigarette that makes me uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to work a bit more at getting comfortable with thesight of cigarettes. It'll come with time though.
I am experiencing the most dreaded drawback of all to quitting smoking...weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can feel it. You just know when you've put on a few. I had a difficult time with another person letting me down, which I posted about in an earlier one. I was supposed to get a treadmill handed down to me and I planned to use it for exercise. That unfortunately fell through. This person has flaked out time and time again when my husband has tried to take him up on the offer. I had my hopes up so high for this, that is was almost all I could think about. Maybe this is the day, maybe this weekend, maybe for my birthday, maybe......never. What a jerk! If this guy only knew (or cared) how much I was let down. I mean especially with this Colorado winter, if it's not freezing, the sidewalks are icy. It just sucks. Meanwhile my husband and I are going to save money, little by little until I can get one. And that one will be brand new, so HA!
Anyway, as you may know from earlier posts, I have bipolar disorder. No, I don't get a little hyper, and a touch of the blues. I get obsessive organizing, shopping sprees (when I have the slightest bit of money), a kind of "Super-woman" way about me. The opposite end is what I have been going though for the past week or so. Uncontrollable crying fits, everything and anything accelerates my misery. This is also why I haven't been blogging for the last couple of weeks. I did not want to embarass myself with rantings of how the world hates me, yadda yadda yadda. Until I had more experience handling this disorder, that's exactly what I used to do. I almost lost a good man to it, too. The man who loved me from top to bottom, inside and out, had enough. He couldn't deal with my self-hatred anymore and he couldn't fix it, so he left. Thankfully, only temporarily.
This time around, however, we were both much better prepared. He handled me like a pro. He kept his distance a bit because #1 he couldn't change what was happening, and #2 he didn't want to be in path of my breakdown. I can't blame him, I would do the same thing. He didn't totally abandon me, but he didn't hang around leisurely either. You know, it's gotta be so hard for someone that has no first-hand experience with a mental disorder. I can't say that I would be able to be as patient as he was/is. His patience with me is one of the major reasons I love him so much. No one is more there for me in terms of that than him.
Worse than merely being around someone with a disorder like bi-polar, is actually having to physically live through it yourself. Can you imagine trying to interact with someone, when you're trying to hold back tears that have no cause? It's torture. It's embarassing. Can you imagine crying, and crying, and crying, not being able to stop, as every misfortunate thing happening in your life speeds through your mind? Can you imagine? Most people can't. Family members are no exception. In my experience, it's one of those "You had to be there" type of things. You will never know unless it happens to you. The words that come out of your mouth are not yours, they're your mind's words, taken over by the disorder. I'm tellin' ya, those people that say "It's all in your head", THEY'RE the crazy ones. There is no controlling a chemical imbalance by sheer will. It's simply impossible.
I've been suffering with this disorder for over 20 years. Thankfully, I have educated myself through therapy, counseling, books, and my own research to recognize if a bad period is approaching. However, I'm still learning how to handle myself in the middle of one. Medication is what's supposed to prevent that. And I'll be the first to admitt that I have never been religious about taking it. More often than not, I do. But I have always held great resentment towards the fact that I have to take medicine just to be OK, like everyone else. What makes everyone else have the natural disposition to be happy or "normal", and I'm here feeling and acting like the psychotic version of chicken little? ("The sky is falling, the sky is falling!") But, a few years ago, I just decided to make peace with it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I simply have a chemical imbalance that alters my mentality and makes life unmanageable unless I take medicine to maintain myself. And that medicine not only benefits me, but those who choose to be around me....God bless 'em all!!
So, I'm fairly confident that I have returned from the "dark side", and hope I stay for a good long time.
Anyway, my point when I started writing is this: after a month of not smoking, I'm noticing my sense of smell is getting better all the time. We were in one store, and I could smell the chocolate shoppe that was next door. I felt like a baby who figured out that they could clap their hands, just fascinated.
I'm starting to allow myself to be around smokers now. Family members have been good about not smoking in the car if I'm riding with them, and I appreciate that. However, I'm still with them when they light up after getting out of the car, so I don't really see how that's helping. I know I could walk away, but I don't really mind the smell. I mean, it's not pleasant, and I think to myself, "I used to inhale stuff that smelled like that?". But, it doesn't make me gag or anything. I was telling my husband, that it's not the smell so much that gets me, but the physical and visual presence of a cigarette that makes me uncomfortable. I'm gonna have to work a bit more at getting comfortable with thesight of cigarettes. It'll come with time though.
I am experiencing the most dreaded drawback of all to quitting smoking...weight gain. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but I can feel it. You just know when you've put on a few. I had a difficult time with another person letting me down, which I posted about in an earlier one. I was supposed to get a treadmill handed down to me and I planned to use it for exercise. That unfortunately fell through. This person has flaked out time and time again when my husband has tried to take him up on the offer. I had my hopes up so high for this, that is was almost all I could think about. Maybe this is the day, maybe this weekend, maybe for my birthday, maybe......never. What a jerk! If this guy only knew (or cared) how much I was let down. I mean especially with this Colorado winter, if it's not freezing, the sidewalks are icy. It just sucks. Meanwhile my husband and I are going to save money, little by little until I can get one. And that one will be brand new, so HA!
Anyway, as you may know from earlier posts, I have bipolar disorder. No, I don't get a little hyper, and a touch of the blues. I get obsessive organizing, shopping sprees (when I have the slightest bit of money), a kind of "Super-woman" way about me. The opposite end is what I have been going though for the past week or so. Uncontrollable crying fits, everything and anything accelerates my misery. This is also why I haven't been blogging for the last couple of weeks. I did not want to embarass myself with rantings of how the world hates me, yadda yadda yadda. Until I had more experience handling this disorder, that's exactly what I used to do. I almost lost a good man to it, too. The man who loved me from top to bottom, inside and out, had enough. He couldn't deal with my self-hatred anymore and he couldn't fix it, so he left. Thankfully, only temporarily.
This time around, however, we were both much better prepared. He handled me like a pro. He kept his distance a bit because #1 he couldn't change what was happening, and #2 he didn't want to be in path of my breakdown. I can't blame him, I would do the same thing. He didn't totally abandon me, but he didn't hang around leisurely either. You know, it's gotta be so hard for someone that has no first-hand experience with a mental disorder. I can't say that I would be able to be as patient as he was/is. His patience with me is one of the major reasons I love him so much. No one is more there for me in terms of that than him.
Worse than merely being around someone with a disorder like bi-polar, is actually having to physically live through it yourself. Can you imagine trying to interact with someone, when you're trying to hold back tears that have no cause? It's torture. It's embarassing. Can you imagine crying, and crying, and crying, not being able to stop, as every misfortunate thing happening in your life speeds through your mind? Can you imagine? Most people can't. Family members are no exception. In my experience, it's one of those "You had to be there" type of things. You will never know unless it happens to you. The words that come out of your mouth are not yours, they're your mind's words, taken over by the disorder. I'm tellin' ya, those people that say "It's all in your head", THEY'RE the crazy ones. There is no controlling a chemical imbalance by sheer will. It's simply impossible.
I've been suffering with this disorder for over 20 years. Thankfully, I have educated myself through therapy, counseling, books, and my own research to recognize if a bad period is approaching. However, I'm still learning how to handle myself in the middle of one. Medication is what's supposed to prevent that. And I'll be the first to admitt that I have never been religious about taking it. More often than not, I do. But I have always held great resentment towards the fact that I have to take medicine just to be OK, like everyone else. What makes everyone else have the natural disposition to be happy or "normal", and I'm here feeling and acting like the psychotic version of chicken little? ("The sky is falling, the sky is falling!") But, a few years ago, I just decided to make peace with it. It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I simply have a chemical imbalance that alters my mentality and makes life unmanageable unless I take medicine to maintain myself. And that medicine not only benefits me, but those who choose to be around me....God bless 'em all!!
So, I'm fairly confident that I have returned from the "dark side", and hope I stay for a good long time.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day 19...#2 Smoking...in my dreams.
I've often heard people say that after a time of not smoking, that they'll have a dream that they did. Well, my turn for this was a few days ago. On a side note, I've noticed that the dreams I have had since quitting are much more vivd and seem like they really happened. I don't remember the entirety of the dream, but I remember that in the dream I smoked. When I woke up, I was never more thankful that is was a dream! But before being fully concious enough to realize that I was, in fact, dreaming, I felt so horribly guilty for smoking. I was worried about all the people I let down. But more then that, I was afraid. Afraid that I would never escape an addicition that I had so greatly underestimated. I'm not kidding, this nicotine is a beast, pure and simple.
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
In the days leading up to today, my normal rountine has been to slap on a patch as soon as I wake up. I would then go downstairs, have some coffee and/or breakfast, then go back up, take off the patch and get in the shower. After the shower, I would immediately put it back on. It's like I'm in a warzone, and the patch is my bullet broof vest. However, today I made the mistake of waiting to put the patch on because I would be taking a shower sooner then usual after waking up because I had plans. Anyway, the point is, that short amount of time that I didn't have it on, I could actually contemplate myself having a cigarette! This is truly a scary thought, and seriously validates my thought process as the patch being a my bullet proof vest against nicotine addiction. You would think that after almost 3 weeks of not smoking, that the urge wouldn't be quite so strong. But, no such luck. My "vest" in going to remain firmly in place for months to come. I'm still smoke-free though. No relapses what-so-ever. And yep, I'm proud as hell about it.....happy dance!
Day 19...Crappy week, but I'm still smoke-free!
I knew I would feel bad after I did it, but I couldn't help myself. I put my husband "on blast", as the youngins say, all over my wall on facebook. My husband and I had a big argument a few days ago about money. Long story short, he made me feel like crap because I am still not contributing anything, financially, to the household. So he made the declaration that because he earns what's coming in, he has authority over everything done with it. BS, right? That's how I felt. How dare he make such a statement after all that I do for him! I pick up the man's socks and underwear, do the laundry, clean the house, take care of the animals we have, I even pack him a dang lunch for work most days! All of the things I do, I do because I love him, I support him, and I respect and appreciate that he is the one working right now. And as long as I cannot find a job, I figure this is my way of showing him that I appreciate him. With that said, I have needs also. I'm not talking romantically here. I'm talking shampoo and conditioner for Pete's sake! Is that too much to ask for?! I didn't think so. So I was frustrated, upset, and hurt, and I chose to tell the facebook world exactly what I thought of him. By the way, I beleive I have hit rock-bottom...I had to get SUAVE!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
(Former hairdresser + Suave = not happy)
Little did I remember, that when my husband got his new phone at Christmas, that with my name listing, I had attached a link to my facebook page.... Oops! So, the next day, he came home, upset with me this time and informed me that he did not appreciate that one bit. So, I felt bad that he had to see that.....kind of. I mean, he was being a big fat jerk, to say the least. That was my way of trying to make him feel as bad as he made me feel. I think it worked, but I won't be doing that again.
We had a very thorough heart to heart talk last night, and got it all straightened out. I know I need to get a job. I would like nothing more then to be working. I'm going nuts being stuck in the house alone day after day. The fact is that I have gone on numerous interviews, and I never get that call back. I almost got a job with a company, but they did not like my school schedule unfortunately. Sorry, I am not about to give up school. It's my ticket to not having to work these disposable jobs that I am trying to get while I'm still in school. Sorry, school wins, period. I don't know what else I could be doing wrong. I have never been out of work in my adult life, much less had to interview for the next job.
As a hairdresser, it didn't work that way. I was asked to change salons/companies each time I switched to a new job. They wanted me, and I felt, I was good at what I did, so it was rather easy back then for me. So, this whole application filling out and interviewing process is somewhat foreign to me. It's like there's some trick that no one's telling me about. I'm trying though. I fill out at least one job application per day on line. On line is the only place where there's even a chance now to find work. Help wanted signs do not exist out here. So, to all that may read this, please keep your fingers crossed for me!
So, that was the gist of the talk, I guess. We both thought that the other one had it easier. I thought he had it easy, because all he has to do is show up to work, come home, relax, sleep, and then do it all over again. He thought I had it easy because all I do was "take care of the house" and schoolwork. So we both got our points across that our particular side of the grass was not as green as the other one thought. No more trouble in paradise, yay! I love my husband and appreciate all the things he does for me, and now I know that he feels the same way about me. And that's how it's supposed to be!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Day 15...#2
Wow, first day back to school since my last class ended. As I said before, this is another hurdle I will have to face as I keep going in my smoke-free life. Really want to have a smoke after completing something. In this case, completing my first class. I must remember, cigarettes are not a celebration or a reward. All they do is take, take, take. They take you away from others as you isolate yourself to smoke. They take your breath away with every puff you take. They slowly take your looks town the tube with every puff as well.
I asked my mother once what cancer was like. She was the one who took care of my Grandmother towards the end of her battle with lung cancer. She said that it was like someone slowly taking your breath away. I didn't coprehend this concept until the last part of my smoking days. I have asthma, and smoking was certainly in the process of doing this to me.
Today, after 2 weeks of not smoking, I walked to the dog park, which is down the street from my house. I wouldn't have even thought of attempting this before because #1, cold weather/air makes my asthma act up and I would be hacking all the way. #2, the road that the park is on is shaped kind of like a 'U', so you're looking at climbing some hills going there and back. I didn't think I could do this without getting out of breath.
Well, guess what? I did it. And better yet, I could breathe! No coughing, no pausing, no inhaler afterwards. Pretty awesome. They say you don't know what you have til it's gone. I say, you don't know what you had until it's gone...and then get it back again. Yes, my muscles are sore, buts that's a light price to pay for breathing like I used to.
I asked my mother once what cancer was like. She was the one who took care of my Grandmother towards the end of her battle with lung cancer. She said that it was like someone slowly taking your breath away. I didn't coprehend this concept until the last part of my smoking days. I have asthma, and smoking was certainly in the process of doing this to me.
Today, after 2 weeks of not smoking, I walked to the dog park, which is down the street from my house. I wouldn't have even thought of attempting this before because #1, cold weather/air makes my asthma act up and I would be hacking all the way. #2, the road that the park is on is shaped kind of like a 'U', so you're looking at climbing some hills going there and back. I didn't think I could do this without getting out of breath.
Well, guess what? I did it. And better yet, I could breathe! No coughing, no pausing, no inhaler afterwards. Pretty awesome. They say you don't know what you have til it's gone. I say, you don't know what you had until it's gone...and then get it back again. Yes, my muscles are sore, buts that's a light price to pay for breathing like I used to.
Day 15...Back to school
So, today's day 15. Made it past the 2 week mark, yay me!
Tonight's my first night back to school as classes start up again. This will be a new challenge, as I used to smoke my way through class (I take online classes), and I would really chimney it up while doing homework.
My biggest challenge with this, is that I won't have that cigarette time for the mental break I need during big projects or tasks, like homework. I have to find something else to do to break up the monotony of things that take a long time. Right now I can't think of anything except for walking around the block. But I'm not gonna do that after dark. I live in a pretty good neighborhood, but a couple of blocks away you might run into trouble. So, that's not happening.
I'm back on the crocheting bandwagon again, got a lot done today. I'm making a blanket for my dad...who lives in California...it can get chilly at night! His birthday is coming up and I have no money. This is all I can think to give. At the very least, he'll use it for padding on his desk chair, or maybe mom will confiscate it and use it for a dog blanket. Whatever.
Tonight's my first night back to school as classes start up again. This will be a new challenge, as I used to smoke my way through class (I take online classes), and I would really chimney it up while doing homework.
My biggest challenge with this, is that I won't have that cigarette time for the mental break I need during big projects or tasks, like homework. I have to find something else to do to break up the monotony of things that take a long time. Right now I can't think of anything except for walking around the block. But I'm not gonna do that after dark. I live in a pretty good neighborhood, but a couple of blocks away you might run into trouble. So, that's not happening.
I'm back on the crocheting bandwagon again, got a lot done today. I'm making a blanket for my dad...who lives in California...it can get chilly at night! His birthday is coming up and I have no money. This is all I can think to give. At the very least, he'll use it for padding on his desk chair, or maybe mom will confiscate it and use it for a dog blanket. Whatever.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wow, Day 13 already?
So, I just checked the calendar, it is actually day 13!! Almost 2 weeks. My first day without cigarettes was January 20. Today is February 1. Counted it on my fingers a few times to be sure I wasn't dreaming. Yep, it's day 13. Crazytown!
So, I've been getting lots of encouragement from family and my facebook "friends", which has been very helpful. But, I need to find some kind of reward for myself. Something that doesn't cost a lot of money either, would be good.
For the past few days, I've been getting these "all of a sudden" urges to smoke. They are the kind that come when I do normal tasks that have always, until this point, been followed with a smoke. Eating breakfast this morning, for example. My brain was telling me, OK, time for a smoke now. It's so weird that these urges are "talking" to me, and that I can recognize them for what they are. I have to literally say to myself in my head, "Wait a second, you don't do that anymore!". And then after a minute or 2 it passes.
I think I am realizing just how much mental strength it takes to not let yourself take even one drag. If only I could have just one. But, like crack... and Pringles, for that matter, that is not the case. Once you pop, you can't stop (lol). So, I must remind myself that just one drag would inevitably lead to me going right back to where I was a mere 13 days ago.
I once had a co-worker years ago at Sears teleservice center in Madison, WI. She was a much older woman, with grandkids and all that. She was what you would call a hard-ass type of woman, a very hard worker, not afraid to get dirty, etc. I can't remember her name...maybe Virginia? Anyways, I asked her once what made her stay quit after years of smoking and then quitting. She said that quitting was so miserable for her, that she never wanted to go through that experience again. I, at that point (age 22 I think) was smoking like a chimney, with no health or other consequences in sight yet. I couldn't possibly comprehend what she was saying...until now.
I'm glad I remebered her words, even if the reason I did was that the concept she spoke of was so foreign to me at that time. Quitting something you love, something you and others identify you with, is miserable. Despite the health consequences, it was something I enjoyed doing very much...to an extent. Smoking gave me instant friends, as well as disguising itself as a friend. It let me be myself, by myself. The veil of smoke protected me, as I hung out in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people. Definetely a crutch.
The hardest part about this whole thing, is just learning to BE. Without any aid, crutch, veil, disguise, or mask.
One thought that has been on my mind lately, is if I'm ever going to be able to have my beloved margarita again. I know I will, but I miss them. How long will it be? I don't know. Maybe I'll attempt one after I am through with the patches. It'll be summer by then, perfect time for a big salty one! So, I guess I can look forward to that.
My in-laws neighbor's downfall was alcohol. She was doing great, and formed a new addiction to blow-pops to satisfy the oral craving. However, a few months in, she went to a concert, got toasted, and smoked. It was downhill from there. She started bumming smokes every now and then, and little by little, slipped back into her old habbits. She is now a smoker, once again. She also started to gain weight. Weight gain was her license, in her mind to go back to it.
I haven't really noticed any weight gain yet. I'm hoping it doesn't come. That would really suck. Especially as I will be entering a job in the medical field. I will be a medical office administrator when I'm done with school. This is one of the many reasons to quit smoking. How could you possibly be a smoker (and overweight) being in a field that is built on health? I would just feel like a fraud if I couldn't get a handle on these things.
While on the subject of health...........screw it, I'm gonna talk about it. (Back story: whenever something really good might happen, if I talk about it, it usually falls through somehow. ) But, this particular thing is taking so long, I don't think it will happen anyway. So, whatever. My husband's co-worker's wife has an old treadmill that she was willing to give to me, for nothing. She always has the latest and greatest, and just got a new one. So, I got my husband to talk his co-worker into letting me have the old one. I want a treadmill so bad I can taste it! I want a treadmill, because that's always been my excercise of choice. Go ooutside, you say? Um ya, notta fan of icy sidewalks, thanks anyway. I am not a gym or a DVD kind of person. A Wii fit would be a dream, but...ya it's a dream. Anyways, this mystery treadmill has yet to show up here. This co-worker also tends to be extremely flakey. He's been invited over 3 times, and has yet to show up, even after saying he's coming. So, I like him, but I don't beleive a word out of his mouth until I see action. Same goes for this treadmill. He's supposed to talk to his neighbor to borrow a truck to get it over here. I told my husband, "Let's just borrow your brother's truck and go get it ourselves!" But no, I'm supposed to be patient and forget about it, because he "has a plan". This has been going on since before Christmas. So, I'm holding out hope that something will magically happen in time for my birthday (February 18), then I give up!! I'll scrape my pennies together myself so I can buy it my damn self. Why do people get you excited, just to let you down? Frustration!!
I love these blog thingees! It's so helpful to just empty your brain into the keyboard!
Update: My father-in-law confirmed that he is, in fact, taking a Chantix-like medication to help him quit smoking. YAY! I'm so happy he's doing this! If he can do it, anyone can!
So, I've been getting lots of encouragement from family and my facebook "friends", which has been very helpful. But, I need to find some kind of reward for myself. Something that doesn't cost a lot of money either, would be good.
For the past few days, I've been getting these "all of a sudden" urges to smoke. They are the kind that come when I do normal tasks that have always, until this point, been followed with a smoke. Eating breakfast this morning, for example. My brain was telling me, OK, time for a smoke now. It's so weird that these urges are "talking" to me, and that I can recognize them for what they are. I have to literally say to myself in my head, "Wait a second, you don't do that anymore!". And then after a minute or 2 it passes.
I think I am realizing just how much mental strength it takes to not let yourself take even one drag. If only I could have just one. But, like crack... and Pringles, for that matter, that is not the case. Once you pop, you can't stop (lol). So, I must remind myself that just one drag would inevitably lead to me going right back to where I was a mere 13 days ago.
I once had a co-worker years ago at Sears teleservice center in Madison, WI. She was a much older woman, with grandkids and all that. She was what you would call a hard-ass type of woman, a very hard worker, not afraid to get dirty, etc. I can't remember her name...maybe Virginia? Anyways, I asked her once what made her stay quit after years of smoking and then quitting. She said that quitting was so miserable for her, that she never wanted to go through that experience again. I, at that point (age 22 I think) was smoking like a chimney, with no health or other consequences in sight yet. I couldn't possibly comprehend what she was saying...until now.
I'm glad I remebered her words, even if the reason I did was that the concept she spoke of was so foreign to me at that time. Quitting something you love, something you and others identify you with, is miserable. Despite the health consequences, it was something I enjoyed doing very much...to an extent. Smoking gave me instant friends, as well as disguising itself as a friend. It let me be myself, by myself. The veil of smoke protected me, as I hung out in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people. Definetely a crutch.
The hardest part about this whole thing, is just learning to BE. Without any aid, crutch, veil, disguise, or mask.
One thought that has been on my mind lately, is if I'm ever going to be able to have my beloved margarita again. I know I will, but I miss them. How long will it be? I don't know. Maybe I'll attempt one after I am through with the patches. It'll be summer by then, perfect time for a big salty one! So, I guess I can look forward to that.
My in-laws neighbor's downfall was alcohol. She was doing great, and formed a new addiction to blow-pops to satisfy the oral craving. However, a few months in, she went to a concert, got toasted, and smoked. It was downhill from there. She started bumming smokes every now and then, and little by little, slipped back into her old habbits. She is now a smoker, once again. She also started to gain weight. Weight gain was her license, in her mind to go back to it.
I haven't really noticed any weight gain yet. I'm hoping it doesn't come. That would really suck. Especially as I will be entering a job in the medical field. I will be a medical office administrator when I'm done with school. This is one of the many reasons to quit smoking. How could you possibly be a smoker (and overweight) being in a field that is built on health? I would just feel like a fraud if I couldn't get a handle on these things.
While on the subject of health...........screw it, I'm gonna talk about it. (Back story: whenever something really good might happen, if I talk about it, it usually falls through somehow. ) But, this particular thing is taking so long, I don't think it will happen anyway. So, whatever. My husband's co-worker's wife has an old treadmill that she was willing to give to me, for nothing. She always has the latest and greatest, and just got a new one. So, I got my husband to talk his co-worker into letting me have the old one. I want a treadmill so bad I can taste it! I want a treadmill, because that's always been my excercise of choice. Go ooutside, you say? Um ya, notta fan of icy sidewalks, thanks anyway. I am not a gym or a DVD kind of person. A Wii fit would be a dream, but...ya it's a dream. Anyways, this mystery treadmill has yet to show up here. This co-worker also tends to be extremely flakey. He's been invited over 3 times, and has yet to show up, even after saying he's coming. So, I like him, but I don't beleive a word out of his mouth until I see action. Same goes for this treadmill. He's supposed to talk to his neighbor to borrow a truck to get it over here. I told my husband, "Let's just borrow your brother's truck and go get it ourselves!" But no, I'm supposed to be patient and forget about it, because he "has a plan". This has been going on since before Christmas. So, I'm holding out hope that something will magically happen in time for my birthday (February 18), then I give up!! I'll scrape my pennies together myself so I can buy it my damn self. Why do people get you excited, just to let you down? Frustration!!
I love these blog thingees! It's so helpful to just empty your brain into the keyboard!
Update: My father-in-law confirmed that he is, in fact, taking a Chantix-like medication to help him quit smoking. YAY! I'm so happy he's doing this! If he can do it, anyone can!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Day 9, Part 2
Ok, so I've come down from my manic energy surge this morning. No depression yet....but it's on it's way. Hopefully I can get enough cycles of medication in me before it hits. That would be great. Here's to hoping!
Anyway, I felt the need to write again today. And as my invisible audience, you'll all just have to deal with it.
I am starting to experience the freedom that not smoking is giving me, and I must say I like it. I was on the couch thinking, I really should go make the bed (put new sheets on). And then, guess what? I just got up and did it. Now this may seem quite normal for a non smoker. But for a smoker, everything, every activity is ruled by cigarettes. Normally, I would think about actually putting those clean sheets on the bed with a cigarette, and then actually do it. I needed a cigarette to think about the action of doing just about everything. Dishes need doing? Oh, I'll do them, but I "need" a cigarette first. Hell, I sometimes couldn't even leave a room if I wanted to because I was in the middle of a cigarette. You see what I'm saying here? I made myself a slave, and/or prisoner (take your pick) to something that would eventually kill me. How dumb is that?
So, I just wanted to share my newfound freedom, that I didn't even know was there for the taking. Awesome!
I just heard through the family grapevine, that my father-in-law, the chimney of the family, is now taking "something from the doctor that allows him to smoke while he builds up the gumption to quit". Sounds like Chantix to me. This has not been validated, only a rumor at this point. But, wow, wouldn't that be awesome?! Of course, if it's true, I would have to take just a little credit for inspiring him to do so. Even if it's true, it would never be admitted to, but I can think whatever I want, right? Ha!
Anyway, I felt the need to write again today. And as my invisible audience, you'll all just have to deal with it.
I am starting to experience the freedom that not smoking is giving me, and I must say I like it. I was on the couch thinking, I really should go make the bed (put new sheets on). And then, guess what? I just got up and did it. Now this may seem quite normal for a non smoker. But for a smoker, everything, every activity is ruled by cigarettes. Normally, I would think about actually putting those clean sheets on the bed with a cigarette, and then actually do it. I needed a cigarette to think about the action of doing just about everything. Dishes need doing? Oh, I'll do them, but I "need" a cigarette first. Hell, I sometimes couldn't even leave a room if I wanted to because I was in the middle of a cigarette. You see what I'm saying here? I made myself a slave, and/or prisoner (take your pick) to something that would eventually kill me. How dumb is that?
So, I just wanted to share my newfound freedom, that I didn't even know was there for the taking. Awesome!
I just heard through the family grapevine, that my father-in-law, the chimney of the family, is now taking "something from the doctor that allows him to smoke while he builds up the gumption to quit". Sounds like Chantix to me. This has not been validated, only a rumor at this point. But, wow, wouldn't that be awesome?! Of course, if it's true, I would have to take just a little credit for inspiring him to do so. Even if it's true, it would never be admitted to, but I can think whatever I want, right? Ha!
Day 9....Another "manic Monday" (really Saturday)
Day 9
Strangely hyper today. You know how I said that I promised to take my medicine as I am supposed to? Well, after not doing so for a while, and then taking it as regularly intended, anti-depressants can send your emotional state for a loop before everything evens out. Ah, such a double-edged sword, this manic-depression. I must admit, I love being in the manic part of the disorder. I wish I could feel this way all the freaking time! Anything is possible. What do you need? Oh, I can do it and then some! So fascinating what a few chemicals in the brain can do to you. The down side is that, as been scientifically proven and personally experienced, that a depression ALWAYS follows a manic period. That's the part I'm not looking forward to. So, if my post in the next few days takes on a more somber tone, you know why. Other then that, I'll enjoy this while it lasts! What to do though?
My husband and I have been tossing around the idea of "growing our own". We have a shed in the backyard, that because of the thick plastic sheeting-type roof, is more like a greenhouse. This would be the perfect place for such an operation, we think. I need to get out there and take temperature measurements at different points during the day to see if it's really possible. From what we know so far, you can grow it, up to 6 plants at a time, and then sell it to the dispensaries. No, I do not want it to be known to "friends" that may smoke. I am not stupid, and do not want endless traffic going in and out of the house from selling to "friends". I put friends in quotes, because the people that you associate with to smoke pot, are usually people you are not friends with otherwise. Like a drinking buddy, I guess, just smoking instead, right?
Anyway, I know that there are certain risks involved. As we do not have kids yet, I am more willing to take these risks. I know it is legal in Colorado (with limitations), but not yet federally. I think I would want to conceal the transparency of the current roof of this shed, because I don't want the neighbors to learn what we're up to. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about the neighbors that would be in view of this, accept that they are not very social, as they chose not to come over for our house warming party even to say hi. I don't really care about that, but you never know how uptight people are or what conclusions they will jump to in their head. Besides that, I care less about what they think, but more about the fact that a break-in and theft would be a possibility because of the transparency of the roof of the shed. It would be easily viewable form the upstairs windows of the neighbor's house.
I know that my husband would qualify for a growing license, as he has had several knee surgeries in his life, and still sufferes from pain from a foot injury. As for myself, I am unaware of it being legit for someone with mental health issues. I know it does the trick to mellow me out, but how the rule-makers feel about it, is what really matters in this case. I am a big fan of the edibles. You know, the "special" brownies and such.
This way, I don't have to smoke anything, and I don't have to taunt my asthma. Also, in my experience, you get a much more thorough high, a "body high", as I've heard it's been called; and it lasts a lot longer when you eat it, too. Oddly enough, I do experience a bit of a hangover with the edibles. General lethargy, and feeling kind of run down the next day.
Yep, I used to be a raging pothead. Self-medicating my bi-polar with pot. It did work pretty well, but all that smoking is just no good for you. And I've learned, that you can, in fact, smoke yourself retarded. My short-term memory is definetely shot. So, with my years of experience and wisdom (lol), I've learned that " a little dab will do ya". And with my quitting amoking cigarettes, it's definetley not a good idea to smoke anything, because it would make me want a cigarette afterwords. So, that's not gonna happen.
What I am going to do though, is teach myself how to cook with it. There's all kinds of recipees out there for "bud butter", as well as measurements of the green stuff to put in recipees like brownies and such.
But, before any of that happens, we have to get our license to grow. This costs some money, and requires a doctor's recommendation. My husband has just requested his old medical records to show that he has a legitamite use for it. Then, I believe the next thing is that he has to see a pot-friendly doctor to get the recommendation. Then I think he applies for and pays for the license.
The beauty of all this, is that my husband and I can finally have a hobby in common! We have been searching for such a thing for years. He is an avid (read: addicted!) gamer, and I don't really have anything specific that I enjoy, except school at this point. So, I am actually looking forward to getting closer to this goal of becomming legit, and growing some plants. It would be nice if it's true that you can sell it to the dispensaries. That almost sounds too good to be true, but we'll see.
Anyway, I'm off to go rig up a thermomter is the shed. After that, I don't know. As long as this patch is attached to me, I'll be fine.
Strangely hyper today. You know how I said that I promised to take my medicine as I am supposed to? Well, after not doing so for a while, and then taking it as regularly intended, anti-depressants can send your emotional state for a loop before everything evens out. Ah, such a double-edged sword, this manic-depression. I must admit, I love being in the manic part of the disorder. I wish I could feel this way all the freaking time! Anything is possible. What do you need? Oh, I can do it and then some! So fascinating what a few chemicals in the brain can do to you. The down side is that, as been scientifically proven and personally experienced, that a depression ALWAYS follows a manic period. That's the part I'm not looking forward to. So, if my post in the next few days takes on a more somber tone, you know why. Other then that, I'll enjoy this while it lasts! What to do though?
My husband and I have been tossing around the idea of "growing our own". We have a shed in the backyard, that because of the thick plastic sheeting-type roof, is more like a greenhouse. This would be the perfect place for such an operation, we think. I need to get out there and take temperature measurements at different points during the day to see if it's really possible. From what we know so far, you can grow it, up to 6 plants at a time, and then sell it to the dispensaries. No, I do not want it to be known to "friends" that may smoke. I am not stupid, and do not want endless traffic going in and out of the house from selling to "friends". I put friends in quotes, because the people that you associate with to smoke pot, are usually people you are not friends with otherwise. Like a drinking buddy, I guess, just smoking instead, right?
Anyway, I know that there are certain risks involved. As we do not have kids yet, I am more willing to take these risks. I know it is legal in Colorado (with limitations), but not yet federally. I think I would want to conceal the transparency of the current roof of this shed, because I don't want the neighbors to learn what we're up to. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about the neighbors that would be in view of this, accept that they are not very social, as they chose not to come over for our house warming party even to say hi. I don't really care about that, but you never know how uptight people are or what conclusions they will jump to in their head. Besides that, I care less about what they think, but more about the fact that a break-in and theft would be a possibility because of the transparency of the roof of the shed. It would be easily viewable form the upstairs windows of the neighbor's house.
I know that my husband would qualify for a growing license, as he has had several knee surgeries in his life, and still sufferes from pain from a foot injury. As for myself, I am unaware of it being legit for someone with mental health issues. I know it does the trick to mellow me out, but how the rule-makers feel about it, is what really matters in this case. I am a big fan of the edibles. You know, the "special" brownies and such.
This way, I don't have to smoke anything, and I don't have to taunt my asthma. Also, in my experience, you get a much more thorough high, a "body high", as I've heard it's been called; and it lasts a lot longer when you eat it, too. Oddly enough, I do experience a bit of a hangover with the edibles. General lethargy, and feeling kind of run down the next day.
Yep, I used to be a raging pothead. Self-medicating my bi-polar with pot. It did work pretty well, but all that smoking is just no good for you. And I've learned, that you can, in fact, smoke yourself retarded. My short-term memory is definetely shot. So, with my years of experience and wisdom (lol), I've learned that " a little dab will do ya". And with my quitting amoking cigarettes, it's definetley not a good idea to smoke anything, because it would make me want a cigarette afterwords. So, that's not gonna happen.
What I am going to do though, is teach myself how to cook with it. There's all kinds of recipees out there for "bud butter", as well as measurements of the green stuff to put in recipees like brownies and such.
But, before any of that happens, we have to get our license to grow. This costs some money, and requires a doctor's recommendation. My husband has just requested his old medical records to show that he has a legitamite use for it. Then, I believe the next thing is that he has to see a pot-friendly doctor to get the recommendation. Then I think he applies for and pays for the license.
The beauty of all this, is that my husband and I can finally have a hobby in common! We have been searching for such a thing for years. He is an avid (read: addicted!) gamer, and I don't really have anything specific that I enjoy, except school at this point. So, I am actually looking forward to getting closer to this goal of becomming legit, and growing some plants. It would be nice if it's true that you can sell it to the dispensaries. That almost sounds too good to be true, but we'll see.
Anyway, I'm off to go rig up a thermomter is the shed. After that, I don't know. As long as this patch is attached to me, I'll be fine.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Day 8...Minor relapse :(
Well, I caved, I couldn't resist temptation. I lasted til about 2 in the morning and snuck into the garage to smoke that butt that I knew was sitting there. Aaaaah! The shame! The guilt, the disappointment in myself! I was so wrought with guilt, that I thankfully (I guess), did not enjoy it at all. A regrettable, dumb relapse. I probably took about 4 drags all together. I know exactly what I did wrong....
When I first quit smoking, I had been having serious insomnia. So I decided that I would start taking off the patch at about 10 pm. This really helped.....if I went to bed before midnight. Anything past that put me in the danger zone. And that's what I let happen last night. I took the patch off at aout 10, and then proceeded to stay up way too late. Now, I'm not making excuses, I take full responsibilty for my lapse in judgement. But looking back, these are the reasons I think it happened. Absolutely powerless over nicotine still. Hmmm, is there an NA (nicotine annonymous) group out there? That's like the first step in AA is to admit you're absolutely powerless over your addiction, right? I have definetely learned not to fool myself into a false sense of control, at least not for a good while yet. When that patch comes off, it's like first day withdrawals all over again!
Another possible reason I had a retarded moment of judgement last night, was that,as much as I hate to admit it, I have not been taking my usual meds, as I should. I have never been one to want to have to take anything to just be "normal". So, I periodically still resist that theory to this day. Again, stupid, I know. Bi-polar does not just go away...ever. I have made peace with, although as seen through my actions, not entirely, with that fact that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. So, right here, right now, I am making a new promise to myself. I will take my medication as I am supposed to. What's the worst that could happen? I'm not scared, been there before. I know it is more important now than ever that I keep everything in my life as balanced as possible to allow complete focus on my current battle to quit smoking.
It's not over, I'm still fighting....my oponent just got in a cheap shot last night. Day 8 has been smoke free, and I will continue from there!
When I first quit smoking, I had been having serious insomnia. So I decided that I would start taking off the patch at about 10 pm. This really helped.....if I went to bed before midnight. Anything past that put me in the danger zone. And that's what I let happen last night. I took the patch off at aout 10, and then proceeded to stay up way too late. Now, I'm not making excuses, I take full responsibilty for my lapse in judgement. But looking back, these are the reasons I think it happened. Absolutely powerless over nicotine still. Hmmm, is there an NA (nicotine annonymous) group out there? That's like the first step in AA is to admit you're absolutely powerless over your addiction, right? I have definetely learned not to fool myself into a false sense of control, at least not for a good while yet. When that patch comes off, it's like first day withdrawals all over again!
Another possible reason I had a retarded moment of judgement last night, was that,as much as I hate to admit it, I have not been taking my usual meds, as I should. I have never been one to want to have to take anything to just be "normal". So, I periodically still resist that theory to this day. Again, stupid, I know. Bi-polar does not just go away...ever. I have made peace with, although as seen through my actions, not entirely, with that fact that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. So, right here, right now, I am making a new promise to myself. I will take my medication as I am supposed to. What's the worst that could happen? I'm not scared, been there before. I know it is more important now than ever that I keep everything in my life as balanced as possible to allow complete focus on my current battle to quit smoking.
It's not over, I'm still fighting....my oponent just got in a cheap shot last night. Day 8 has been smoke free, and I will continue from there!
End of Day 7...It's calling my name.
Tell it to shut up! Tell it to go away! Tell it I don't need it or want it anymore!
One thing, and one thing only is saving me from lighting up tonight. My husband's words of encouragement. Right before he went to bed, he told me he is proud of me. Now, he always says the casual "I love you"'s, and I know that he means it. But, to be honest, when you hear the same words over and over agian, be they positive or negative words, they lose their meaning over time. Not that I beleive my husband loves me any less with each time he says those words, they just lose their impact to a degree. Anyway, besides saying "I love you", kindness and gratitude does not come easy to my husband. His father is a navy man, and I beleive as a result, emotion and kindness came to equate with weakness in his family. We all have our own baggage, right? So, him telling me he was proud of me tonight is replaying in my mind as I tell the cigarette demons to shut the hell up.
Why does this have to be so hard, this quitting stuff? I know it's good for my health. But in the grand scheme of things, in my own psychology I think, am I really worth it? It's not like I'm pregnant. I wouldn't be hurting anyone except myself, right? Wrong. I know, logically, that's wrong.
Another "Dog-ism" comes to mind (my fav TV show). Your actions not only effect yourself, but the family that cares for you. Everytime you do something stupid that effect you negatively, you're not only letting yourself down, you let everyone that cares for you down also. You think you would only hurt yourself? You would hurt your mother, who's been pulling for you to quit smoking for years. She doesn't want to have her child go out the same way her mother did. Although, this would be an excellent way to show her that she can't control everything, this is not the way to do so. You would let your father down. I don't suppose I'll ever know exactly what my father thinks of me and my decisions, but he's always full of the obligatory parental encouragement. I wish I knew him better, I would love to crawl around in his head for a week. I wish he would read this and know that this concept applies to him also. I know it's hard, we all have our battles to fight. But if I can quit smoking, he can take care of his diabetes the way he should. But I digress. Then there's my sister, who I know reads this. She's probably the only one, but I don't care. I'm not here to gain an audience. I would like to show my little sister that I'm not as flighty, weak, out of control, as I may appear or have appeared in the past, to be. I would like to do something that she can be proud of.
I have often felt, that because of mental health isuues I have had in the past (and still deal with today) that our roles as older and younger sister are reversed. I feel that being bi-polar has taken away any ability to be the leader, the example. While she did quit smoking many years ago when she bacme pregnant with her first son, I feel that this is an opportunity for me to show that I am capable of something great also. Something to be looked up to for. Some may say, woopidy-doo, you quit smoking, big deal. But, to me it is. And so far, this is the hardest thing I've ever inflicted upon myself to do. Seriously, this is freaking hard, people!
....and I know there's a cigarette butt sitting in the garage right now with a few good drags left on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! This is driving me nuts. OK, I know smoking does not cure boredom. Smoking doesn't do anything good. I don't wanna go back to hitting the inhaler. I don't want my blood pressure to go up again. I should really be in bed anyways. I don't know how this night will end.
One thing, and one thing only is saving me from lighting up tonight. My husband's words of encouragement. Right before he went to bed, he told me he is proud of me. Now, he always says the casual "I love you"'s, and I know that he means it. But, to be honest, when you hear the same words over and over agian, be they positive or negative words, they lose their meaning over time. Not that I beleive my husband loves me any less with each time he says those words, they just lose their impact to a degree. Anyway, besides saying "I love you", kindness and gratitude does not come easy to my husband. His father is a navy man, and I beleive as a result, emotion and kindness came to equate with weakness in his family. We all have our own baggage, right? So, him telling me he was proud of me tonight is replaying in my mind as I tell the cigarette demons to shut the hell up.
Why does this have to be so hard, this quitting stuff? I know it's good for my health. But in the grand scheme of things, in my own psychology I think, am I really worth it? It's not like I'm pregnant. I wouldn't be hurting anyone except myself, right? Wrong. I know, logically, that's wrong.
Another "Dog-ism" comes to mind (my fav TV show). Your actions not only effect yourself, but the family that cares for you. Everytime you do something stupid that effect you negatively, you're not only letting yourself down, you let everyone that cares for you down also. You think you would only hurt yourself? You would hurt your mother, who's been pulling for you to quit smoking for years. She doesn't want to have her child go out the same way her mother did. Although, this would be an excellent way to show her that she can't control everything, this is not the way to do so. You would let your father down. I don't suppose I'll ever know exactly what my father thinks of me and my decisions, but he's always full of the obligatory parental encouragement. I wish I knew him better, I would love to crawl around in his head for a week. I wish he would read this and know that this concept applies to him also. I know it's hard, we all have our battles to fight. But if I can quit smoking, he can take care of his diabetes the way he should. But I digress. Then there's my sister, who I know reads this. She's probably the only one, but I don't care. I'm not here to gain an audience. I would like to show my little sister that I'm not as flighty, weak, out of control, as I may appear or have appeared in the past, to be. I would like to do something that she can be proud of.
I have often felt, that because of mental health isuues I have had in the past (and still deal with today) that our roles as older and younger sister are reversed. I feel that being bi-polar has taken away any ability to be the leader, the example. While she did quit smoking many years ago when she bacme pregnant with her first son, I feel that this is an opportunity for me to show that I am capable of something great also. Something to be looked up to for. Some may say, woopidy-doo, you quit smoking, big deal. But, to me it is. And so far, this is the hardest thing I've ever inflicted upon myself to do. Seriously, this is freaking hard, people!
....and I know there's a cigarette butt sitting in the garage right now with a few good drags left on it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!! This is driving me nuts. OK, I know smoking does not cure boredom. Smoking doesn't do anything good. I don't wanna go back to hitting the inhaler. I don't want my blood pressure to go up again. I should really be in bed anyways. I don't know how this night will end.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Day 7 Health benefits beginning...
Well, it's day 7. And I am starting to realize some of the health benefits of not smoking. Before, I thought, this is all a bunch of hooey! I have asthma, high blood pressure, and other issues. I just have them, it's not because of a small innocent little cigarette. Well, I am happy to report that since I have not been smoking, I have not had to use ny inhaler ONCE! Can you freaking belive it? I can't. I am so glad to be relieved of the tight, compressed feeling in my chest that caused me to have to "hit" my inhaler at least twice a day. Not to mention the constant "asthma cough" that never went away. I can now breathe deeply, without coughing. My asthma was getting so bad towards the end of my smoking that I thought I might end up in the emergency room one day soon. I am very happy that this fear is slowly drifting away.
Also, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of months ago. At the time, I thought it was just about the oddest thing in the world. I have no family history that I know of, and had never had high blood pressure before. I came up with the theory that it was probably caused by the change in elevation. I lived in the midwest and CA before moving to the mile high elevation of Colorado. This, I'm finding out, is also not true. My blood pressure was averaging 145/95, to estimate. The highest reading I took on my own was on December 15, it was 158/109. Kinda scary. I was sufferring from excrutiating headaches and dizzy spells regulary. After 7 days of not smoking, my blood pressure is on it's was back to normal. Yesterday I got a reading of 144/120, and today it's down to 138/109. Aaaah, much better!
While this news makes me very happy, the urge to smoke is not gone. I am still struggling with it every single day so far. Especially when my husband has the day off (today) and I know he has some in his coat pocket. But, I have come to far to cave in now. I don't want to go through this again! My husband has been very supportive, still smoking in the garage and keeping it out of my sight. I am thankful for that, it definetely helps.
After cleaning the house from top to bottom yesterday, I need something to do! My back is hurting from sitting in front of the dang TV so much. I can't go for a walk outside because despite the fact that it's freezing right now, the sidewalks are icy and they don't plow in the neighborhoods ever, just the main busy roads. So, we'll see what I can come up with for something to do. I think it'll be crocheting today, we'll see....
Also, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure a couple of months ago. At the time, I thought it was just about the oddest thing in the world. I have no family history that I know of, and had never had high blood pressure before. I came up with the theory that it was probably caused by the change in elevation. I lived in the midwest and CA before moving to the mile high elevation of Colorado. This, I'm finding out, is also not true. My blood pressure was averaging 145/95, to estimate. The highest reading I took on my own was on December 15, it was 158/109. Kinda scary. I was sufferring from excrutiating headaches and dizzy spells regulary. After 7 days of not smoking, my blood pressure is on it's was back to normal. Yesterday I got a reading of 144/120, and today it's down to 138/109. Aaaah, much better!
While this news makes me very happy, the urge to smoke is not gone. I am still struggling with it every single day so far. Especially when my husband has the day off (today) and I know he has some in his coat pocket. But, I have come to far to cave in now. I don't want to go through this again! My husband has been very supportive, still smoking in the garage and keeping it out of my sight. I am thankful for that, it definetely helps.
After cleaning the house from top to bottom yesterday, I need something to do! My back is hurting from sitting in front of the dang TV so much. I can't go for a walk outside because despite the fact that it's freezing right now, the sidewalks are icy and they don't plow in the neighborhoods ever, just the main busy roads. So, we'll see what I can come up with for something to do. I think it'll be crocheting today, we'll see....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Day 6
Strong urges to smoke today. Don't know why today compared to other days. The boredom is getting to me. I have my dog to thank for my actions today. I had gone to bed early last night, and forgot to let the dog out. She was already lying in her bed when I came up to go to slepp, so I thought she would be OK. WRONG! Often, after "daddy" goes to work (we have no kids, so we refer to ourselves as mommy and daddy when it comes to the dog, lol), she'll wake me up my jumping on and then off, and then on, and then off (get the picture?) the bed until I get up. Last night she was trying to do this at about 4 am. I was not even trying to hear that, so I ignored her. Big mistake. I woke up to find our spare bedroom, covered in doggie doodie! OMG, gross. That'll learn me, won't it? Oh ya.
Anyway, I got up and got a shower and then headed over to the in-laws to borrow their carpet shampooer...thank God there was one to borrow! Got back to the house and started to clean the carpet. Then, I thought while I'm at it, I'll get the office (we used to smoke in there) too. OK, making progress, why not do the hallway too? I'm just going like this all day until just now, about 5pm. Every surface in my house has been cleaned. I even did some windows. The house is freaking sparkling! After all this work, I'm not really looking forward to making dinner. But at least I kept myself busy today. Still no smoking, can't hardly believe it. Woohoo! So, thanks Dotty......I think.
My husband on the other hand, is not doing so good. He's to the point where he's like, "Leave me alone, I am doing this in my own way." OK buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night. To me that means, he is smoking, but won't admit that he's failed at this attempt. He's smokes a lot less then usual when he's at home because I don't smoke. And he's been very supportive in going to the garage to do so. So I am thankful for that at least.
I think I'm gonna go plop on the couch for a bit, I'm pooped....literally!
Anyway, I got up and got a shower and then headed over to the in-laws to borrow their carpet shampooer...thank God there was one to borrow! Got back to the house and started to clean the carpet. Then, I thought while I'm at it, I'll get the office (we used to smoke in there) too. OK, making progress, why not do the hallway too? I'm just going like this all day until just now, about 5pm. Every surface in my house has been cleaned. I even did some windows. The house is freaking sparkling! After all this work, I'm not really looking forward to making dinner. But at least I kept myself busy today. Still no smoking, can't hardly believe it. Woohoo! So, thanks Dotty......I think.
My husband on the other hand, is not doing so good. He's to the point where he's like, "Leave me alone, I am doing this in my own way." OK buddy, whatever helps you sleep at night. To me that means, he is smoking, but won't admit that he's failed at this attempt. He's smokes a lot less then usual when he's at home because I don't smoke. And he's been very supportive in going to the garage to do so. So I am thankful for that at least.
I think I'm gonna go plop on the couch for a bit, I'm pooped....literally!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My first exposure since quitting...
Day 4, I mislabeled my last entry, today is actually day 4 being smoke-free.
Well, I am still craving cigarettes, and I am told that will never go away. I wasn't tempted to the point of smoking, but the urge is still there. What do I expect, though? It's day 4. I just hope the urges get weaker as time goes on.
I was around my first smoker today. The in-laws came over and my father in law smokes like a chimney. Before, I was all too happy to join him, but now I had to keep my distance. We went to a store, all together in the same car. And I could tell he made an effort not to smoke on the way there. I didn't say anything, because he is one of these guys that would deny not smoking for someone else, and then light up. So, I counted my blessings and kept quiet.
All in all, a pretty non-eventful day. But, I am bored out of my mind! I'm in between classes at school. Glad they'll be starting up agian soon. In the past I have used crocheting as a way to keep my hands busy when trying to quit smoking. I think I am resisting getting back into it, on an obsession-like level as my sole distractor from smoking, because it did not work before. And I feel that if I "go there", history is doomed to repeat itself in the form of failure to quit. What's the definition of insanity? Doing something the same way and expecting a different result. So, I don't want to do that. I am having a hard time finding stuff to do. This makes me realize how much of my time was wasted smoking. Just smoking. Just puff-puff-puffing away. Really, what a waste. But now, I need stuff to do.
I've been trying the routine of cooking more, which until recently, I did not do at all. And while, that is fun, being in the kitchen all day is getting monotanus, too. Cleaning? I have to do that whether I choose to smoke or not. I need a new hobby, something different. Hey, a job would be nice! Believe me, I have been trying for a long time with no luck.
OMG, that's so funny, I just paused and looked down at the desk for "my cigarettes" (that no longer exist). Haha, it'll take a while to break that habbit, too I guess. It's just so automatic.
Well, I am still craving cigarettes, and I am told that will never go away. I wasn't tempted to the point of smoking, but the urge is still there. What do I expect, though? It's day 4. I just hope the urges get weaker as time goes on.
I was around my first smoker today. The in-laws came over and my father in law smokes like a chimney. Before, I was all too happy to join him, but now I had to keep my distance. We went to a store, all together in the same car. And I could tell he made an effort not to smoke on the way there. I didn't say anything, because he is one of these guys that would deny not smoking for someone else, and then light up. So, I counted my blessings and kept quiet.
All in all, a pretty non-eventful day. But, I am bored out of my mind! I'm in between classes at school. Glad they'll be starting up agian soon. In the past I have used crocheting as a way to keep my hands busy when trying to quit smoking. I think I am resisting getting back into it, on an obsession-like level as my sole distractor from smoking, because it did not work before. And I feel that if I "go there", history is doomed to repeat itself in the form of failure to quit. What's the definition of insanity? Doing something the same way and expecting a different result. So, I don't want to do that. I am having a hard time finding stuff to do. This makes me realize how much of my time was wasted smoking. Just smoking. Just puff-puff-puffing away. Really, what a waste. But now, I need stuff to do.
I've been trying the routine of cooking more, which until recently, I did not do at all. And while, that is fun, being in the kitchen all day is getting monotanus, too. Cleaning? I have to do that whether I choose to smoke or not. I need a new hobby, something different. Hey, a job would be nice! Believe me, I have been trying for a long time with no luck.
OMG, that's so funny, I just paused and looked down at the desk for "my cigarettes" (that no longer exist). Haha, it'll take a while to break that habbit, too I guess. It's just so automatic.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Day 4: Crack and Back-Stabbing Bitches
Day 4
Still doing pretty good, suprisingly. I am suprised probably because in past attempts, I have failed miserably, like a crack addict at the sight of a big rock in front of me. I think it has been "easier" so far because I have been unintentionally isolating myself from other people. I have not even seen a cigarette until last night, when my husband had the balls to ask me if I wanted to come and talk to him in the garage while he smoked. I said, "Are you f**kin' crazy?! Get the hell away from me with that thing, I don't even want to see it!!" I knew if I had followed him into the garage, I'd probably being having a cigarette right now also. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself for not caving in, when it would have been so easy.
Right now, my dog is sitting on the couch in the room with me, and I have the door wide open. I have to say that this is a good feeling also. My dog would never hang out in the office before because of all the smoke. And I would always insist that the door be shut for the same reason. I know deep down that the smell does trickle through the rest of the house, but that was my of saying it's OK, I have the door shut. So, the door's wide open, kind of like a metaphor for what lies ahead. A wide open door to the unknown. Exciting and terrifying.
People often talk about their cigarettes as being their friend. As ridiculous as this sounds, I have found it to most certainly be true. When you stressed, have a smoke, it'll calm you down. When your happy, have a cigarette with that drink, it'll help you celebrate. When you're bored, have a smoke. It's something to do. And so on, and so on. When I really think about it, cigarettes are more like the back-stabbing bitch you thought was your friend in high school. She'll be all nicey-nice to your face, lending you her shoulder to cry on and confide in. Then, before you know it, she's telling your business to the world and saying what a loser you really are, giggling the whole time, because she knows you'll be back for more.
She (tobacco) shows you "kindness" and "comfort", by making you feel safe, almost freezing time, while you have your time with her. Nothing can get to you, no further drama can effect you at this moment because you are busy smoking. That's definetley one thing I noticed about smoking, it fools you in a way that I never thought of before. In my experience, smoking has been kind of a "time-freezer", or a brain-pauser. Too much is going on? Step outside an have a smoke. Family is stressing you out? Go have a cigarette. Guess what, all that stuff is still there when you go back inside, duh! Again, I find myself associating the circumstances of wanting to smoke with wanting to do drugs.
As you may or may not know, one of my favorite shows is Dog the Bounty Hunter. He is part American Indian, so I just love the way he talks about spirituality and philosiphizes about life in general. Anyway, he said something that stuck with me when he was taking a fugitive in for booking. They were talking about drug use, and he said, "Why do we do drugs? It's not because we're stressed, it's because we like to get high. The only problem with that is when you get stressed and decide to get high, you are actually ADDING another problem, not taking it away. Because you get high, you come down, and then guess what? The stress is still there, AND now you need another hit." The quote is not exact, but that's the gist of it. That really illustrates the relationship that I had with cigarettes. It didn't relieve any stress. By smoking to relieve stress, it only left me dependant on seeking another cigarette. You see what I'm saying here?
Still doing pretty good, suprisingly. I am suprised probably because in past attempts, I have failed miserably, like a crack addict at the sight of a big rock in front of me. I think it has been "easier" so far because I have been unintentionally isolating myself from other people. I have not even seen a cigarette until last night, when my husband had the balls to ask me if I wanted to come and talk to him in the garage while he smoked. I said, "Are you f**kin' crazy?! Get the hell away from me with that thing, I don't even want to see it!!" I knew if I had followed him into the garage, I'd probably being having a cigarette right now also. I must say I'm kind of proud of myself for not caving in, when it would have been so easy.
Right now, my dog is sitting on the couch in the room with me, and I have the door wide open. I have to say that this is a good feeling also. My dog would never hang out in the office before because of all the smoke. And I would always insist that the door be shut for the same reason. I know deep down that the smell does trickle through the rest of the house, but that was my of saying it's OK, I have the door shut. So, the door's wide open, kind of like a metaphor for what lies ahead. A wide open door to the unknown. Exciting and terrifying.
People often talk about their cigarettes as being their friend. As ridiculous as this sounds, I have found it to most certainly be true. When you stressed, have a smoke, it'll calm you down. When your happy, have a cigarette with that drink, it'll help you celebrate. When you're bored, have a smoke. It's something to do. And so on, and so on. When I really think about it, cigarettes are more like the back-stabbing bitch you thought was your friend in high school. She'll be all nicey-nice to your face, lending you her shoulder to cry on and confide in. Then, before you know it, she's telling your business to the world and saying what a loser you really are, giggling the whole time, because she knows you'll be back for more.
She (tobacco) shows you "kindness" and "comfort", by making you feel safe, almost freezing time, while you have your time with her. Nothing can get to you, no further drama can effect you at this moment because you are busy smoking. That's definetley one thing I noticed about smoking, it fools you in a way that I never thought of before. In my experience, smoking has been kind of a "time-freezer", or a brain-pauser. Too much is going on? Step outside an have a smoke. Family is stressing you out? Go have a cigarette. Guess what, all that stuff is still there when you go back inside, duh! Again, I find myself associating the circumstances of wanting to smoke with wanting to do drugs.
As you may or may not know, one of my favorite shows is Dog the Bounty Hunter. He is part American Indian, so I just love the way he talks about spirituality and philosiphizes about life in general. Anyway, he said something that stuck with me when he was taking a fugitive in for booking. They were talking about drug use, and he said, "Why do we do drugs? It's not because we're stressed, it's because we like to get high. The only problem with that is when you get stressed and decide to get high, you are actually ADDING another problem, not taking it away. Because you get high, you come down, and then guess what? The stress is still there, AND now you need another hit." The quote is not exact, but that's the gist of it. That really illustrates the relationship that I had with cigarettes. It didn't relieve any stress. By smoking to relieve stress, it only left me dependant on seeking another cigarette. You see what I'm saying here?
Friday, January 22, 2010
So, I just watched the movie "Thank You For Smoking". Interesting. I have to say that I agree with the main character's point at the end of the movie. He's sitting before some kind of senate committee and being grilled about the moral responsibility of "big tobacco", while they're discussing putting a poison label on cigarette packs. He basically says that tobacco has the right to have their business exist, with this being America (free enterprise and such). But it's the responsibility of parents and teachers to educate young people about the dangers of smoking.
I wonder if I would have ever picked up my first cigarette if the women of major importance in my life had never smoked. While they did tell me it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it (kind of like "do what I say, not what I do"), but they were adults and had the freedom to do whatever they wanted. This of course, at my young age, equalled coolness, and something that I aspired to be (cool and an adult). So, if that's what they chose to do, with all the freedoms presented with adulthood, what cooler thing in the world was there?
Just had a thought, how sad is it that all the females in my life that I have looked up to have been smokers? That really says a lot, doesn't it? There's my Mom, who quit when I was about 11 or 12. I remember begging her to roll down the window more as she puffed away in the car. Then years later, I remember stealing a drag or two off her cigarette that she let lay in the ashtray burning as she attended to something in the other room (sorry Mom). And then there's Gramma, who eventually died from smoking.
Other women (girls at the time) that I looked up to were Cherie Catencamp. I don't know why I remember her name so well. But she was the first person to ever smoke with me. We used to ride around on our bikes, picking up any salvagable cigarette butts from the streets of the neighborhood (GROSS! Can't believe I did that) and then high-tail it to the school yard to puff away in all our secret glamour. Her older sisters smoked also, and they were just the coolest thing since sliced bread, because one of them went to a Prince concert and got hit on by a bandmember. Haha, the things we used to think were cool, right? Anyway, it wasn't all bad, knowing her. She introduced me to microwaved marshmellows (an evilly delicious treat), and I saw Saturday Night Live for the first time at her house at a sleepover. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to see it so bad, because, you know, the COOL kids watched it all the time.
This all happened in 5th grade, believe it or not. I didn't inhale until middle school, but I'll get to that girl in a bit. 5th grade...the first time I heard "smoker" as an accusation. I felt like an outcast because everyone knew what I was doing. At the same time, of course, this is when my rebellious nature began to develop against anything automatically considered "normal" or "right". At least I was known for something. It's a whole lot better then feeling invisable.
As I attended middle school, I naturally gravitated to the "bad" crowd. They were rebels, who did what they wanted, when they wanted. Which, if you know my mother, is a very attractive in contrast to my home life (sorry Mom). Besides that though, if you don't know already, these "bad" people, and I'm talking about "bad" people in general of all ages, the tattooed, motorcycle riding, booze-chugging bad-asses of the world are the most unassuming, open-minded people I have ever met. At least that has been my experience so far. Their loud way of dressing, their wild hair, and rebelious ways are really just trying to overtly distract you from their insecurities, for the most part. So, it makes sense that this type of person would be more accepting, and easier to be friends with. If you're open to them, they return the favor, is what I'm saying. Anyway, there was this girl, Roxy. I think her real name was Rhonda. But, of course, Roxy is much more bad-ass. Picture Samantha Fox as a middle-schooler. For the youngins, picture if Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears had a baby. She was just the epitomy of cool to me. I never really knew much about her, but everything about her screamed I'm cool, I do what I want, and I love aqua net! And of course, she was never without a cigarette before school, down the block a bit so the teachers would see "the smokers". And I was happy to join her, and thrilled she let me.
The most influencial person in my "smoking career" was a Miss Angie Schultz. This was 8th grade, now. This is the one who taught me how to inhale. Another girl that was, in my opinion, the coolest girl in the school. She always wore the Guess jeans, always had the cute purses, hair-do, one of the most popular girls in school as well. And, of course, I was thrilled that she took a liking to me, and decided to take me "under her wing". We were working on a project for choir, and decided to go over a silly dance routine at her house. On the way there, we stopped at this Country Buffet-type diner that had a cigarette machine. We got a pack without getting caught, and walked over to the baseball field across the street. We sat in the bleachers, and she instructed me on how to inhale without choking. I was like "Holy crap, I'm a REAL smoker now!" I was frickin' giddy with excitement that I could smoke like the rest of the people that I looked up to. And, that's were it all started, in my opinion. Unfortunately, I cannot say I recall any redeeming qualities about this girl. Despite her appearences, her house was much dumpier then the one I was living in. And, bless her heart, she allowed me to huff gasoline with her one time. Super! What a friend, right?
So that's 5th grade through middle school. I'll save high school for another day. But exploring this leads me to wonder, was there ever an option, considering who these influential women in my life where, that I even had the chance to be a non smoker? It almost seems inevitable, especially with my desperation to fit in with who I thought was cool at the time. Almost everyone I frickin' knew growing up, smoked. Hmmm, wonder how many still do?
I guess I'm technically into day 3 now, but I still haven't gone to sleep. I don't know if insomnia is a side effect of the patch or not, but I haven't been sleeping well since I started this whole thing. I'm too afraid to take the patch off until I know for sure that I'm ready for bed. I don't want that craving to catch up with me!
I wonder if I would have ever picked up my first cigarette if the women of major importance in my life had never smoked. While they did tell me it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it (kind of like "do what I say, not what I do"), but they were adults and had the freedom to do whatever they wanted. This of course, at my young age, equalled coolness, and something that I aspired to be (cool and an adult). So, if that's what they chose to do, with all the freedoms presented with adulthood, what cooler thing in the world was there?
Just had a thought, how sad is it that all the females in my life that I have looked up to have been smokers? That really says a lot, doesn't it? There's my Mom, who quit when I was about 11 or 12. I remember begging her to roll down the window more as she puffed away in the car. Then years later, I remember stealing a drag or two off her cigarette that she let lay in the ashtray burning as she attended to something in the other room (sorry Mom). And then there's Gramma, who eventually died from smoking.
Other women (girls at the time) that I looked up to were Cherie Catencamp. I don't know why I remember her name so well. But she was the first person to ever smoke with me. We used to ride around on our bikes, picking up any salvagable cigarette butts from the streets of the neighborhood (GROSS! Can't believe I did that) and then high-tail it to the school yard to puff away in all our secret glamour. Her older sisters smoked also, and they were just the coolest thing since sliced bread, because one of them went to a Prince concert and got hit on by a bandmember. Haha, the things we used to think were cool, right? Anyway, it wasn't all bad, knowing her. She introduced me to microwaved marshmellows (an evilly delicious treat), and I saw Saturday Night Live for the first time at her house at a sleepover. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wanted to see it so bad, because, you know, the COOL kids watched it all the time.
This all happened in 5th grade, believe it or not. I didn't inhale until middle school, but I'll get to that girl in a bit. 5th grade...the first time I heard "smoker" as an accusation. I felt like an outcast because everyone knew what I was doing. At the same time, of course, this is when my rebellious nature began to develop against anything automatically considered "normal" or "right". At least I was known for something. It's a whole lot better then feeling invisable.
As I attended middle school, I naturally gravitated to the "bad" crowd. They were rebels, who did what they wanted, when they wanted. Which, if you know my mother, is a very attractive in contrast to my home life (sorry Mom). Besides that though, if you don't know already, these "bad" people, and I'm talking about "bad" people in general of all ages, the tattooed, motorcycle riding, booze-chugging bad-asses of the world are the most unassuming, open-minded people I have ever met. At least that has been my experience so far. Their loud way of dressing, their wild hair, and rebelious ways are really just trying to overtly distract you from their insecurities, for the most part. So, it makes sense that this type of person would be more accepting, and easier to be friends with. If you're open to them, they return the favor, is what I'm saying. Anyway, there was this girl, Roxy. I think her real name was Rhonda. But, of course, Roxy is much more bad-ass. Picture Samantha Fox as a middle-schooler. For the youngins, picture if Avril Lavigne and Britney Spears had a baby. She was just the epitomy of cool to me. I never really knew much about her, but everything about her screamed I'm cool, I do what I want, and I love aqua net! And of course, she was never without a cigarette before school, down the block a bit so the teachers would see "the smokers". And I was happy to join her, and thrilled she let me.
The most influencial person in my "smoking career" was a Miss Angie Schultz. This was 8th grade, now. This is the one who taught me how to inhale. Another girl that was, in my opinion, the coolest girl in the school. She always wore the Guess jeans, always had the cute purses, hair-do, one of the most popular girls in school as well. And, of course, I was thrilled that she took a liking to me, and decided to take me "under her wing". We were working on a project for choir, and decided to go over a silly dance routine at her house. On the way there, we stopped at this Country Buffet-type diner that had a cigarette machine. We got a pack without getting caught, and walked over to the baseball field across the street. We sat in the bleachers, and she instructed me on how to inhale without choking. I was like "Holy crap, I'm a REAL smoker now!" I was frickin' giddy with excitement that I could smoke like the rest of the people that I looked up to. And, that's were it all started, in my opinion. Unfortunately, I cannot say I recall any redeeming qualities about this girl. Despite her appearences, her house was much dumpier then the one I was living in. And, bless her heart, she allowed me to huff gasoline with her one time. Super! What a friend, right?
So that's 5th grade through middle school. I'll save high school for another day. But exploring this leads me to wonder, was there ever an option, considering who these influential women in my life where, that I even had the chance to be a non smoker? It almost seems inevitable, especially with my desperation to fit in with who I thought was cool at the time. Almost everyone I frickin' knew growing up, smoked. Hmmm, wonder how many still do?
I guess I'm technically into day 3 now, but I still haven't gone to sleep. I don't know if insomnia is a side effect of the patch or not, but I haven't been sleeping well since I started this whole thing. I'm too afraid to take the patch off until I know for sure that I'm ready for bed. I don't want that craving to catch up with me!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
First timer here!
OK, so I'm new to all this blogging stuff. My sister has had one for a while, so I guess she inspired me in a way. This blog is mostly going to be about what I go through as I take the uphill journey to quit smoking. I do tend to ramble when I write sometimes, but that's what blogs are for, right?
Anyway, I am on day 2 without a cigarette. This has to be at least my fifth time at seriously quitting smoking. So far, it has been without incident. A little uneasiness, and restlessness, but I expected that. This isn't my first time at the rodeo. But then again, I haven't left the house either, lol. My husband called from work about an hour ago (he was quitting we me also), to learn that, as he put it, epically failed today. He's been off work for a while, due to a foot injury, and this was his first day back. I think all of the guys at his work smoke. So, he didn't last long before he asked one of the guys for a smoke. He says he'll have to do a "do-over" tomorrow. I hope he really does. Not only for his health, but to give me strength to keep going as well.
As for me, I would love to have a life free of dependance on anything. With this quit, more then the others, I truly realize how much of an actual drug these cigarettes are. I don't think you could know that until you go without. While a cigarette won't immediately kill you, like an overdose could, the addiction is so powerful that until you get a smoke, you will do almost anything to get the money together to go buy some. I've scrounged for change in the car, in pants and coat pockets, in change jars that were there to save for other purposes, all to get a hit of....tobacco?! How ridiculous is that? I find myself, in times of desperation (out of cigarettes) that I would do almost anything in order to get some more. Now I'm not talking about selling sexual favors or anything (lol), but I would manipulate people to come over if I new they had cigarettes, or I knew they had money I could weasle out of them somehow. Sounds like a drug addict to me.
More than this, I am SO SICK of my life being controlled by cigarettes. I can't even begin to calculate the hours spent just sitting there, all alone, smoking. I've missed out on time with the people I love, just so I could inhale that crap. Not to mention the worsening asthma. Yes, I have asthma, and I used to smoke! So retarded, I know. Oh, and there's the high blood pressure that my husband and I were both recently diagnosed with. I don't want to be on the road to stroke-ville anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't keep playing with my health.
For anyone who may read this that doesn't know me, my Grandmother and aunt both died from smoking-related illnesses. I remember, as a young girl, my grandmother hacking her lungs up as she continued to puff away. "Are you OK, Grandma?" I would always ask her. "Oh, I'm fine...cough, hack, cough", she would say back. She eventually quit, but it was too late. She got emphasema, and later died. I miss her terribly, but I don't want to see her anytime soon. What I'm about to write may seem silly, but I believe it to be true. Occassionally, I'll look up to the sky and see a cloud in the shape of a heart. I only see this once in a great while. But, I think it's Grandma saying, "Hi", or "I love you", or "You can do it". I know, kinda strange, right? But that's what my gut tells me, and I believe it.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. More on day 3 tomorrow.
Anyway, I am on day 2 without a cigarette. This has to be at least my fifth time at seriously quitting smoking. So far, it has been without incident. A little uneasiness, and restlessness, but I expected that. This isn't my first time at the rodeo. But then again, I haven't left the house either, lol. My husband called from work about an hour ago (he was quitting we me also), to learn that, as he put it, epically failed today. He's been off work for a while, due to a foot injury, and this was his first day back. I think all of the guys at his work smoke. So, he didn't last long before he asked one of the guys for a smoke. He says he'll have to do a "do-over" tomorrow. I hope he really does. Not only for his health, but to give me strength to keep going as well.
As for me, I would love to have a life free of dependance on anything. With this quit, more then the others, I truly realize how much of an actual drug these cigarettes are. I don't think you could know that until you go without. While a cigarette won't immediately kill you, like an overdose could, the addiction is so powerful that until you get a smoke, you will do almost anything to get the money together to go buy some. I've scrounged for change in the car, in pants and coat pockets, in change jars that were there to save for other purposes, all to get a hit of....tobacco?! How ridiculous is that? I find myself, in times of desperation (out of cigarettes) that I would do almost anything in order to get some more. Now I'm not talking about selling sexual favors or anything (lol), but I would manipulate people to come over if I new they had cigarettes, or I knew they had money I could weasle out of them somehow. Sounds like a drug addict to me.
More than this, I am SO SICK of my life being controlled by cigarettes. I can't even begin to calculate the hours spent just sitting there, all alone, smoking. I've missed out on time with the people I love, just so I could inhale that crap. Not to mention the worsening asthma. Yes, I have asthma, and I used to smoke! So retarded, I know. Oh, and there's the high blood pressure that my husband and I were both recently diagnosed with. I don't want to be on the road to stroke-ville anymore. I'm not getting any younger, and I can't keep playing with my health.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. More on day 3 tomorrow.
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